Coaching Teens to Success

Five Great Family Habits to Embrace

2012-02-26T07:44:00.000-08:00

Keeping your family together and keeping the relationships healthy does take work. It doesn’t, however, take any more work than having no structure at home and having your family all over the place. The trick is to create the right habits; once the good habits are formed they are as easy to upkeep as the bad habits.

Many of the habits developed by families have been formed unconsciously (habits developed unconsciously tend to be negative). Habits are developed unconsciously when families don’t give thought to the structure or format they would like to follow. This happens more often than not because life just gets too busy.

Sitting down to think about your habits may sound like an extra thing on your plate. After all, you can make up the positive habits as you go along, right? Unfortunately, that isn’t how it works. When you are spread thin, you don’t have enough mental resources to think of better habits to follow. This is why they need to be prepared beforehand (thought of, written down, and planned out).

Too many bad habits in the home tend to lead to chaos and argument. Teens are frustrated with parents and parents are frustrated with teens. In the end, it’s a lose-lose situation. If you feel your family situation could use some work, I suggest you look at the family habits first.

If you haven’t thought about what new habits you would like for your family to develop, I can get you started with my suggestions. Incorporate them into your family life one at a time. As time goes on, pay attention to what other positive habits your family would benefit from.

1. Gratitude: We all have so much to be thankful for, yet we often forget how fortunate we are. Make gratitude a regular practice in your home. When a great opportunity comes your way or when you avoid a near accident share with your child how thankful you are for what you have been given. It will change your perspective on your life, and it will change your teen’s view of what life is all about.

2. Positive thinking: We all know positive thinking is important, yet many don’t practice this habit. Why? It’s really hard to keep the habit going because most of us are used to thinking pessimistically. And at times it feels like you just can’t control how your child is thinking. That’s true. So, I encourage you not to try controlling how she’s thinking. Instead, control your thoughts, speech, and behaviour. You don’t even have to try correcting her speech. Just focus on you staying positive. Once you are able to consistently model positivity, she’ll adapt that. The best part? It’s difficult to continuously fight in a positive home.

3. Take turns speaking: When having family conversations, take turns speaking. The people with authority (parents) and oldest sibling can take over conversations and they tend to be the loudest. Allow all family members to have an equal amount of speaking time. All kids have ideas and nothing shows more love than backing off so your quietest child can speak up too. Create rules in the house for how this will work.

4. Listen: When your teen wants to talk, just listen. Don’t give your advice. Ask questions to keep conversation going and so you can really understand your teen’s perspective. Allow your teen the time to speak to you. If you cut her off to share your wonderful wisdom, she’s more likely to cut off her conversation with you. She just wants you to listen. If she’s not sure of what to do and is asking for your opinion, guide her to make a decision through a series of questions. Let her develop her decision-making skills.

5. Slow down: Have the family slow down so you can appreciate each other. Both your relationship with your children and with your partner will improve when you have time for each other. By making regular time for your teen, you reduce the likelihood she’ll distance herself from you and if she does, you give her reason to rebuild a relationship with you again.

Best Wishes to You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Five Bad Family Habits To Get Rid Of

2012-02-24T16:54:00.001-08:00

You may or may not have noticed but your family as a unit has its habits. And your family’s habits are a mix of your individual habits. This is why your family’s habits are different from another family’s habits.

Family habits are one reason some families are more successful and get along better than other families.

While habits are extremely important and help you function from day to day, they are only good, if they enhance your life. Likewise, your family habits are only good if they promote family health.

To keep the family functioning well, you need to recognize which habits are holding you back from functioning successfully and in a pleasant way. Once you identify them it becomes easier to change them. The best part is that all it requires is for one person to change his/her behaviour and the rest will be affected by that person.

Here are 5 family habits you may want to consider eliminating.

1. Complaining: Many people complain, for no other reason than to complain. They never actually take any steps to change what is bothering them, but they do complain. Complaining is a contagious habit that wastes time. It can also ruin relationships when directed at other people. Instead of complaining, be proactive and change what isn’t working in the family. Don’t complain to your partner and to your kids about their actions. Be aware of how your own actions affect their behaviour and change your actions so you bring out the best in your family.

2. Over-scheduling: Both parents and kids tend to have too much on their plates. The workload leaves everyone running around and having little time for each other. If this sounds like your family, I encourage you to have each family member drop an activity per week. Prioritize and decide where your family falls on the scale of importance. In the years to come, your kids will remember and appreciate your family time more than any other activity.

3. Chaos in the home: Because people are constantly on the go, it leaves very little time for cleaning. Since housekeeping services can be expensive it leaves many homes in somewhat of a mess. The more disorder there is in the home the less safe and comforting it’ll feel for you and the kids. Reduce unnecessary clutter and make a conscious choice to clean the house once a week. The trick is to get everyone to participate (the boys too!). The more they do for their home the more they’ll appreciate what they have. The first cleaning will be the hardest and longest. After that, it’ll only be upkeep....easy breezy!

4. Yelling: Saying it louder doesn’t make it more right or clearer, it doesn’t get it to sound better, and it’ll not improve your kids’ listening skills. Yelling is a sign of disrespect, powerlessness, and poor communication. Unfortunately, it’s also contagious; as soon as one voice escalates so does another. Instead of yelling, practice sharing your feelings, and speaking in a respectful way. If the kids are still not listening to you, try listening to them. This way you can get an idea of what they are telling you and it’ll allow you to meet their needs. When they feel listened to, they’ll be more likely to listen.

5. Going off to do your own thing: Some families are not as busy, but unfortunately, they don’t use some of their free time to spend together. Instead, each family member goes into a different room to do his or her own thing. Although having personal time is healthy, it’s also important to have family time. Spending about 1.5 hours (length of a movie) on 1 to 3 different occasions per week with your family will benefit everyone. Go for dessert, play family games and sports, go on a picnic, walk the dog together, just sit together and talk without electronics around, etc. The physical proximity will build an emotional closeness.

Best Wishes to You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Five Great Family Habits to Develop

2012-02-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

How To Help Your Teen Deal With An Addiction

2012-02-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

When a child has an addiction, it’s the parent’s concern as much as the child’s. Many parents are willing to do anything necessary to help their teen return to a healthy lifestyle. Unfortunately, they are usually left feeling helpless, confused, and scared.

Having a plan to help can lessen the feelings of hopelessness and fear. It’s when parents feel they aren’t doing enough for their teens that the bad feelings come out. Parents don’t have to feel helpless. There are a number of steps they can take to help their child.

6 steps to keep in mind when helping your teen overcome addiction:

1. Admit it: The first step is not yours, but your teens. She has to be able to admit there’s a problem. Admitting this can be difficult. Why? Because admitting to addictions is admitting that something is wrong, it’s admitting to a bad mistake, it’s admitting to having no control over her behaviour, and it can be like admitting that she isn’t good enough. Admitting to it may also mean listening to your disapproval. If your teen isn’t willing to admit she has an addiction, however, it's harder to move to the next step. How can you help your teen fix something that in her eyes isn't broken?

2. Get professional help: Dealing with addictions isn’t easy and having a professional on your side will give you a feeling of comfort and a peace of mind. You won’t have to second guess yourself and your approach to helping your teen. This can be a highly emotional journey for you and for her. If you’re worried about the stigma attached to getting professional help, then choose to focus on getting her the help she needs to resume a happy life. It’ll all be worth it at the end.

3. Stay positive, hopeful, trusting, and patient: Trust can be difficult to give when your teen has already broken it. Staying positive, patient, and hopeful can be even harder when you’re at the bottom of the hole. Your trust and hopeful attitude, however, might be what keeps her going in the positive direction. This may deter her from disappointing you. If you need to yell, scream, or to speak to someone then find a therapist, someone who is objective, will keep your information confidential, and can give you advice that works. Taking it out on your child for ruining the family order will not help anyone.

4. Stay a team: You are a family and a family should always be a team. Don’t break yourselves up into Team Parents (the right team) and Team Teen (the wrong team). Breaking an addiction is hard enough; it makes it even harder if your teen has to deal with constant criticism from you. Give your teen a reason to stay on track instead of a reason to fulfill your negative expectations of her inability to make good decisions.

5. Do your research: Understand what your teen is going through by doing the research BEFORE you try to help your teen. Parent’s typical response is to jump in and save the child. If you don't know much about addictions (who, what, where, when, why) you're more likely to push your child away than to help her. When you are knowledgeable you’ll be able to identify with your teen. The more she feels you know about her situation, the more she’ll feel you understand her.

6. Stay on top of things: Correct any faulty, negative, and hopeless thinking, keep all appointments, be available to talk, make a family plan that is fair to you and your teen that will help you stay on track. Explain to your teen she is your priority (perhaps up till now she felt she wasn’t even important to you?). By staying on top of things, without being invasive (showing distrust), you’re showing your teen you care and that she is your main concern.

Best Wishes To You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Why Teens Develop Addictions?

2012-02-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

Parents, who have reasons to worry about their teens, breathe a big sigh of relief when they find out their teens aren’t involved with drugs and alcohol. Addictions, however, aren’t always drug and alcohol related. Other addictions include gambling, addiction to relationships, addiction to video games, addiction to sex, addiction to food, etc., some of which are really hard to detect in the early stages. While drug and alcohol may appear most dangerous to the physical body, all types of addictions are detrimental to the quality of a teen’s life.

It’s important to note that teens don’t start off with the intent of becoming an addict (and they usually aren’t aware of the precise moment they start to lose control). Repetitive engaging in particular behaviour to receive particular benefits does, however, lead to addiction.

This leads us to ask, why are teens repeatedly engaging in certain behaviours to the point of developing an addiction? What’s causing them to go back to use the same substance or behaviour?

If we know what leads teens to become addicted, it’s easy for parents to take preventative measures so their teens do not get caught in the trap.

Here are 4 reasons teens start engaging in and keep coming back to addictive behaviours:

1. It has rewards: Some teens feel that a particular behaviour or substance has certain rewards (e.g., feeling a temporary high, fitting in with peers, proving self-worth and courage, deliberate rebellion, etc.). The perceived reward tempts the teen into engaging in the particular behaviour again and again. While the reward is different for every teen, it’s the supposed benefit that keeps the teen coming back to the same behaviour.

2. Pain relief: Some people feel forming addictions is a sign of irresponsibility, bad friendships or hanging out with the wrong crowd, and bad choices. On the surface this is certainly how it appears, but many teens who go through therapy say the substance or behaviour was first used to help them deal with emotional pain. Teens that come from emotionally abusive or neglectful homes (whether they were abused or witnessed abuse) are more likely to develop an addiction. Over time, these teens start consuming larger doses while believing they’re in control.

3. Coping with stress: Life gets tough no matter what age you’re at. It’s even tougher if you don’t know how to deal with what life has to offer to you. In order to divert attention from stressful life circumstances some teens form addictive behaviours. Teens that experience anxiety or depression often find relief in using substances or engaging in certain behaviours. Addictions are particularly likely for teens that don’t see a way out, don’t believe help is possible, or are embarrassed to speak about it.

4. Modeling: Teens that are present in environments with substance abuse or other addictive behaviours are more likely to develop same behaviours. Many of these teens learn this as a way of life and unless someone comes along to show them an alternative way of living, they will adapt the destructive habits as their own.

Best Wishes To You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Letting Your Teen Make Choices: Wise or Irresponsible?

2012-02-11T05:54:00.000-08:00

Some parents love to make choices for their kids. The intent, of course, is all good. They want their kids to have the best without making mistakes. The question is, is this healthy and realistic?

Parents need to practice relinquishing control at an early age...to make age-appropriate decisions only! When kids start going to school, it’s important they can choose their own backpack colour, particular clothing style (with guidance from parents), allowing them to have some choice on their lunches, and even letting them have food preferences.

By making these choices, kids start getting a feel for who they are, what is important to them, what colours they enjoy, and what it means to follow their desires. They also start learning their opinions matter, that you trust them, and that you respect their choices.

So why do parents get nervous when they have to relinquish some control to their teens?

Parents get nervous because teens start challenging them and thinking in a new way. This is a part of developing their identity. When teens start having different opinions, when they start talking back, when they no longer think parents are as important as friends and social activities, parents jump to the conclusion their teens will get off track.

Remember, that it is normal for your teen to challenge your beliefs, opinions, and values. More than anything they are testing their new found and much desired independence. This doesn’t mean they don’t want your input or advice, it means they want you to back off a bit more (alter your parenting to reflect your teen’s age) so they can make their choices. The more controlling you are the more rebellious your teen can become (of course, some kids are more rebellious/ submissive than others). This is natural.

When relinquishing control, however, it’s your job to teach your teen that freedom of choice comes with responsibility and potential consequences. Relinquishing control without these lessons is irresponsible. This means sitting down together to set fair rules that you must enforce. Any slips on your part means you’re not sticking to your end of the deal and not teaching your teen about responsibility.

Having rules and consequences in place, also gives you control over your teen’s behaviour. While he perceives freedom you still have control over what is going on in your home. When you don’t hold your end of the deal, you’ll start feeling out of control and you’ll take it out on your teen. This is unfair to him!

Stay consistent so your teen will know what to expect from you.

Consider these tips when allowing your teen to make choices:

1. Show respect for your teen’s decisions (even if it isn’t how you would do it)
2. Show and speak about the faith you have in your teen’s ability to make the right choice
3. Remember that mistakes are a step closer to success. Most mistakes and failures are not going to ruin your teen’s life (pick your battles)
4. Be a support not a stressor. When you’re willing to offer advice but know when to back off to let your teen think through the dilemma, you show trust and love.

Best Wishes To You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Drugs, Sex, and Alcohol: Can Teens Make Responsible Choices?

2012-02-11T05:51:00.000-08:00

To do or not to do. That is the question teens are facing today.

Drugs, sex, and alcohol are among the scariest choices teens are making in our society. Many parents are scared senseless, not knowing if their teen will succumb to these bad decisions. Some are not even sure if teens, with their limited experience, are capable of making responsible choices.

But, are they?

Yes! Teens are capable of making responsible choices. This, however, only comes with support, trust, and respect from their parents, and practice and an understanding of their value system.

Parents often feel concerned about their teens for having to make so many life-path choices. Most teens that are given the opportunity to make age-appropriate choices in childhood however, are able to handle the more difficult decisions as they grow up. They learn from previous successes and failures and build self-confidence that they are able to take care of themselves. It’s a learning process that creates a feeling of empowerment.

Making choices are a part of life. And that’s a good thing! Choices give your teen freedom and the opportunity to fulfill personal desires (if they make responsible decisions of course).

4 Influencers of smart teen choices:

1. Quality of connection with parents: The quality of the relationship kids have with their parents plays a big role in the choices they make as teens and adults. The choices teens make reflect their psychological needs and wants. If parents meet the emotional and psychological needs of their kids, their kids are less likely to search for fillers outside the home by engaging in random sex, addictions, and negative relationships.

2. Ability to deal with stress: Stress exists in life. That is not the issue. The issue lies in whether or not teens can deal with it. Teens that don’t have the skills to deal with stress are more likely to avoid it by searching for any type of ‘fun’ distractions. When teens are looking for diversions they are more likely to make questionable choices.

3. Level of independence: Whether or not teens are allowed to make age-appropriate choices throughout their life (e.g., what colour of backpack, which shoes to wear, etc.) makes a big difference in how they approach decision-making. Teens that have parents who make all the decision feel lost when parents are no longer making choices for them. Good choice making is acquired through practice not through mindless observation. The more choices kids make throughout life the less they are to mindlessly follow the crowd. It’s important for teens to be encouraged to think through their choices as opposed to waiting for instructions on what to do next.

4. Values: Values are often spoken about, but for some reason taken lightly. There aren’t many people who would be able to list their values, especially teens. When values are known they have the ability to influence choices for the better. When they aren’t known, teen’s misaligned choices leave teens feeling unfulfilled and empty.
Best Wishes To You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

5 Common Stressors for Teens

2012-02-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

As long as we are alive we have stress. Kids and teens are as likely to experience intense stress as are adults. Some parents falsely assume that if their child does not have bills to pay or chores and responsibilities that their child is living a stress-free life.

This assumption is incorrect. Teen stressors appear inconsequential to parents only because they’re looking at these problems with an adult mind. Teens, however, are getting a hang of handling life issues (these early life experiences are preparing them for future matters) and these topics are important to them. Naturally, uncertainties will lead to a certain amount of stress.

To help your teen deal with stress, it will be helpful if you know about the common causes of stress. For those teens that are unable to identify the cause, you can have a starting point for the investigation.

Five common stressors for teens include:

1. School: People have different learning styles, interests, and strengths. Unfortunately, school is a standard structure that doesn’t take these differences into consideration. When the school doesn’t embrace the teens’ strengths, values or creativity they tend to be more stressed out.

2. Parents: Parents and home environment can also add to teen stress.
a. High expectations are a big stress for children. Out of love, parents want teens to succeed in everything. While this idea is nice, it’s really an unrealistic expectation.
b. After school activities are important but become a stressor if parents expect their teens to be involved in too many (even if it’s of their choosing). It’s important for teens to have some free, unscheduled time each week where they can do whatever they want. During this time she has the opportunity to relax as well as learn she deserves to have some free time. It’s a good habit to develop.
c. Stressed parents can transfer their stress on to their teens. If you are frequently stressed, it’s reflected in how you treat your teen. Your unpredictable behaviour may leave her worried and anxious since she doesn’t know what to expect next. Likewise, if you are emotionally unavailable for her, she may feel neglected and worthless. These feelings increase stress levels as she tries to get your attention, only to fail each time.

3. Peer group: Peer pressure, not getting along with friends, and worrying about fitting in causes stress. The peer group is an important part of a teen’s life. If she senses the peer group is unreliable or disrespectful, it will increase her stress levels as she feels pressured to impress her social group.

4. Lack of life skills: Skills such as organization and time management are important stress preventers. Likewise, an absence of these valuable skills can make life more hectic and chaotic. Teen’s habits are normally a reflection of how things are done in the household. As such, it’s unrealistic for parents to expect teens to do better than them. Any other expectations are only a stress producer.

5. Personal thoughts: What kind of thinking does your teen engage in? It’s not too tough to find out. Pay attention to your teen’s actions and words as they’re a reflection of what’s going on inside her head. Instead of criticizing her, provide her with an alternative way of thinking.

Best Wishes To Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Gender Differences in Teen Stress: Avoidance and Coping

2012-02-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

We know that stress is a part of life. We also know this means that teens experience stress too.

The question is how do teens handle stress? Do they know how to handle stress? Do they have the right tools and skills to handle stress in a healthy way?

Research suggests important differences in how boys and girls cope with stress. According to a Baltimore study:

• 25% of boys and 19% avoid or refuse to deal with stress
• 23% of boys and 14% of girls will distract themselves away from their stress
• 17% of boys and 22% of girls seek support
• 35% and 45% of girls actively try to remove or reduce their stress

Based on these results, it appears boys are more likely to refuse to deal with stress and to distract themselves away from it where as girls are more likely to seek support and actively reduce the stress they experience.

Why the difference?

1. Hormones: During stressful situations, females produce more oxytocin than males. Oxytocin is released into the body to counter the production of cortisol. This hormone promotes bonding, nurturing, and relaxing emotions. As such, when females are stressed they’re physiologically inclined to bond with others. This leads them to speak about what is going on and get advice and support from others. Because males produce much less of this hormone they’re less inclined to speak about it and more likely to go off on their own until the stress passes away on its own or they’re able to come up with a solution.

2. Lack of communication and skills: Boys (and men in general) are less likely to talk about what is bothering them. If they don’t want to speak to anyone and they don’t know how to handle what is going on in life, they’re more likely to avoid dealing with it (the same is true of females who don’t speak about their problems and feel in over their head). As a result, they delay developing the skills to deal with stress.

3. Self-esteem: Female self-esteem is built around adequacy of relationships whereas male self-esteem is built based on adequacy of performance. Because males base their worth on how well they’re able to perform, they’re less likely to seek support than females. Females on the other hand are more likely to search for support and strengthen their relationships (this also explains why many females go out of their way to make others happy).

Here are 4 tips to help your teen (male or female) cope with stress:

1. Communication: Communication serves two purposes. One, it helps your teen identify what is stressing them out by speaking to a trusted adult. Two, it shows your teen he is not alone in dealing with stress. Although girls are more likely to speak about their stress, it does not mean boys remain completely mute. During brief communication, you can help him pinpoint stress and share advice. After that, let him come to a conclusion on his own if that is his preference.

2. Coping skills: Model healthy stress coping skills. These include journaling, time management skills, avoid extreme reactions & overgeneralizing, setting priorities, and setting realistic goals. When your teen is exposed to positive habits, he is more likely to adapt them as his own.

3. Saying ‘No.’: Teach your child (by modeling) to say no. Many times teens get themselves into stressful situations because they did not know how to say no to peers, coaches, teachers, and even to parents. By showing them it’s OK to say no and demonstrating how to do it, they’re more likely to respect their own boundaries.

4. Healthy lifestyle: Healthy diet, enough sleep, and regular exercise are important for a healthy body and to reduce stress. An unbalanced diet produces harmful chemicals in the body as does a sedentary lifestyle, and a lack of sleep.

Best Wishes To Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teen Attitude: What is normal? How does it affect behaviour?

2012-01-29T08:13:00.000-08:00

Many parents of teens find themselves wondering if their teen’s attitude is ‘normal.’ Obviously they wonder how their teen compares to other teens and if their teen is on the right track.

So, what is a normal teen attitude? Is there such thing as a normal teen attitude? I am not sure there is, but there certainly is such thing as a positive and negative attitude. And it is well known that a positive attitude will get your teen a lot further than a negative one.

Every teen has unique experiences with a unique home environment. Her current attitude is a by-product of her life experiences and the people around her. My advice to you is stop worrying about whether your teen’s attitude measures up to other teens’ attitude but to encourage her to put her best attitude forward at all times.

Why? Because her attitude affects her behaviour. [Note. It has also been established that when your teen’s attitude is neutral, behaviour will shape her attitude toward a person or object. This helps her justify or explain her behaviour.]

Here are 4 areas how her attitude will affect her behaviour:

1. Persistence: A positive attitude will help your teen stay optimistic and keep going when it gets harder. Teens with a good attitude are willing to stay committed because it is easier for them to cope with everyday life challenges and see the bright side of life.

2. Social life: Teens with better attitude attract more people to them. They tend to see the good in other people and are more motivated to socialize. Remember, however, to take your teen’s natural disposition into account. If she’s an introvert she’ll never be as sociable as an extrovert and that’s OK. More importantly, with a great attitude, she’ll attract like-minded people.

3. Self-esteem: A positive attitude and a bright outlook raises self-esteem. Teens with a higher self-esteem are more likely to try new things and are more open to life experiences. Teens with a poor attitude find new experiences to be less enjoyable and tedious mainly because they don’t have the self-esteem to go for it.

4. Healthier lifestyle: Teens with a positive attitude are more likely to make better choices and live a healthier lifestyle because they think they deserve it. In addition, people with a more positive long-term attitude are physically and psychologically healthier.

Here are suggestions on how you can help your teen develop a more positive attitude.

1. Read inspiring quotes (or have some posted throughout the home...find new one’s each week)

2. Teach your teen to look at the bright side of life

3. Smile often (make this your own habit and watch your teen copy you)

4. Have short stories about inspiring people available around the home (you can also search for YouTube videos)

5. Teach your teen to expect and focus on positive outcomes

Best Wishes to You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Why Do Teens Have a Bad Attitude? How to deal with it?

2012-01-28T08:55:00.000-08:00

Who cares? I don’t!

Why bother?

You’re not my boss! Leave me alone!

This stinks!

Do these words sound familiar? Teens more than anyone else in our society are stereotyped to have a bad attitude (though to be fair to them, consider the adult population and their attitude). The question is ‘why are teens prone to have a negative attitude?’

Here are 4 reasons:

1. Physiological changes. There are changes going on in your teen’s body that shift his mood and attitude from day to day. He is working on getting a hang of this new body (it’s similar to learning how to use motor skills).

2. Identity. Your teen is trying to figure out who he is, and while on some days it is OK with him to be a good kid who listens to his parents, on other days he would rather be independent from you. To do this, he’ll push you away with his attitude (especially if he feels you are babying him or trying to exert your control over him). Similarly, if you enter his room without knocking on one the days he wants to be independent, he is more likely to get upset.

3. Why not. Does your teen feel a bad attitude is expected of him just because he is a teen? Perhaps he has overheard you share your poor opinion of teens. If so, it gives him permission to be nasty. If he feels no one is expecting anything better of him, he won’t expect much of himself.

4. Manipulation. Does your teen know exactly the type of attitude that will have you back off? If he knows certain results will be guaranteed with a particular attitude, you can bet your lucky penny he’ll use this against you. Analyze certain patterns in your relationship with your teen.

Knowing these reasons we can now ask, what can you do to help your teen? I suggest 4 solutions:

1. Limits: Sometimes he needs you to back off, especially if you’re constantly lecturing (instead of just listening), giving orders (instead of support), comparing your life to his (instead of accepting his life is different). On the days his attitude is edgier, back off in order to respect your teen’s limits (as opposed to engaging him in a fight). He will come around when the mood wears off.

2. Your relationship: Many teens develop a poor attitude if they feel their family is ignoring them. This is not an attitude problem, it suggests relationship problems. Take an honest look at your relationship with your teen. Do you think there is room for improvement? If so, there is a chance you may need to prioritize your time and cut some things out of your life to make room for him (e.g., late evening office work).

3. Validation: From time to time a bad attitude will spring from the fact that your teen feels no one is listening. Listen to the words expressed by your teen and after he is finished speaking, first repeat what he said to you in your own words. Do not jump into giving life wisdom immediately. Acknowledge his feelings and then ask him what he thinks is the best way of dealing with the issue. Ask if you can add some of your own insights.

4. Model a good attitude: You may notice your teen has a very similar attitude to you or your partner. Why not start with modeling the type of behaviour you expect from your teen? Eliminate the belief “You have to but I don’t!” This attitude will never fly with your teen.

Best Wishes To You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Helping Your Teen Deal with Depression

2012-01-21T13:14:00.000-08:00

While teens are going though many changes, teen depression is not a ‘normal’ part of growing up! If you suspect your teen may be going through depression, seek some form of coaching or counselling for your teen.

The symptoms of teen depression include:

1. Poor school performance
2. Showing lethargic behaviour and a lack of interest
3. Low energy, prolonged sadness, frequent crying
4. Avoiding family or friends in order to be alone, less willing to socialize
5. Anger, hostility, touchiness (it’s not always indicated by sadness)
6. Rebellion
7. Drug and alcohol abuse
8. Thoughts of death and suicide

Based on the symptoms listed above, you may have noticed there isn’t a particular pattern to look for when suspecting teen depression. Teen depression can be expressed through a number of inconsistent behaviours. Be alert to any unusual but prolonged changes in your teen.

Here are steps you can take to help your teen out with depression. These exercises require you to make time for your teen. If you don’t get the response you are looking for immediately, you need to stay patient and persist.

1. Communication: Communicate, communicate, and communicate. Many parents don’t realize they’ve stopped communicating with their teens until there is a problem. Communicate daily with your teen. If you suspect depression, it will be easier for you to get your teen to open up and see what is causing the depression. Many times depression starts with negative thoughts. Find out what your teen is thinking.

2. Meaning: Once you find out what your teen is thinking challenge the meaning s/he has attributed to the situation. Depressed individuals have a tendency to blame themselves for situations out of their control.

3. Perceived lack of control: Many teens don’t realize how much their own behaviour controls what events and outcomes occur. While it’s true they have no control over other people’s behaviour, they have complete control over their own. Individuals who feel hopeless and believe things just happen to them are more likely to experience depression.

4. Lifestyle: Poor eating habits, no exercise, setting unrealistic goals to prove to parents teen is worthy of their attention is physically and psychologically unhealthy. Model a frequent exercise routine and healthy eating habits. Give your teen healthy attention whether s/he achieves her goal or not. You can provide pointers later, but be sure to notice the effort and courage first. A healthier lifestyle will help eliminate many depressive symptoms.

5. Home experience: Mom and dad focus on the quality of the experience your teen receives at home. This includes the type of relationship you have with your teen and how much time you offer to him/her. Studies have shown that when the home is stable and teens have great interactions with caregivers, they are psychologically and physically healthier.

Best Wishes to You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teen Depression: 3 Causes and Contributors

2012-01-21T08:27:00.000-08:00

Teen depression is on the rise. For many readers, this isn’t the first time they’ve heard this.

Despite the fact that now, more than ever before, teens have more sophisticated lifestyles, including traveling, bigger homes with all basic necessities, sports opportunities, educational opportunities, access to technology, and much more, an alarming number of teens are going through depression.

Why? What is missing?

It appears that experiences bought with money, though they temporarily increase life pleasure, don’t provide the nourishment necessary for a healthy psychological development. Research studies have supported this and even shown that more materialistic objects don’t increase long-term happiness.

Many teens whose behaviour is seen as problematic, when questioned, will recall not having enough time with parents, so they found their own diversion. Some teen’s rebel, some sink into depression, and some experience both. Rebellion or depression, however, are only symptoms of the bigger problem: a lack of connection with the caregiver.

Despite our advanced society, receiving the psychological basics of life (e.g., human connection, love, parent-child bond and interaction) remains important. As such, I discuss 3 contributors to depression. These 3 ideas are rooted in the necessity for caregivers to create a connection with their teens.

1. Poor relationships: Many teens who suffer from depression have very poor relationships with their parents. Poor relationships consist of frequent fighting, not enough interaction, abuse, etc. For healthy psychological development teens need to have interactive relationships with their parents. This sends the message that teens are cherished, worth the time, and that they’re important and they matter. It lets teens know they’re loved and they belong. In the absence of this, teens disconnect from the parents and seek to fill that gap by using friends as a substitute for parents. Peers, however, are a poor alternative as they’re unable to fill in what is missing from the parents. With the inability to find what they’re looking for some teens gradually sink into depression.

2. Dysfunction in the home: The home is meant to be a symbol of security and safety. When it’s a happy home, kids and teens look forward to coming home from school each day. When parents are absorbed by fights and verbally poking at each other, or are emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive towards teens, this home becomes as place of fear, sadness, and insecurity. Teens that associate their worth with a dysfunctional home are more likely to feel depressed.

3. Stress: As long as we live we have stress. Teens are just getting a hang of many life issues and require support at home along with advice on how to handle stressors. When teens are taught stress coping skills and have someone to speak to at home, the stress no longer is perceived as unmanageable. As such, it requires parents to have time for teens, to be in tune with what is going on in teens’ life, and to have robust relationships so teens will open up. Without a healthy way to cope with stress, teens can feel overwhelmed, inadequate and experience depression.

Best Wishes to You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Media Literacy: Tips To Get Your Teen to Question Media Content

2012-01-14T04:37:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

There is a TON of content available on TV, the internet, in print, and on the radio. Much of the messaging teens (and adults) are exposed to is absorbed into their minds. Once they absorb or internalize the information, they accept it as the truth. This information now becomes their guiding light on what to do and how to be.

The extent to which media will affect teens depends on how well they are taught to critically think about what they are exposed to. In fact, critical thinking is a powerful life skill and taking the time to guide your teen to be critical of what she is told will reduce others’ power over her.

Three important steps to reduce the impact of media:

1. Be picky. Demonstrate to your teen to be picky about what s/he is willing to watch. Just because there isn’t anything better to watch doesn't make it OK to watch what is on at that time. Instead, teach her to put her time to better use: read a book, use it for family time, etc. The best step for teens is to distance themselves from much of what they see, hear, and read. Remember, if they are exposed to it, they will be somewhat affected by the messages even if they are aware of media persuasion methods. When picking suitable content, teach your teen to follow the 2 rules below:

a. If I would not like what I see, hear, or read about to materialize in my life, than it is also not suitable for viewing or reading.

b. If it makes me doubt my worth or how good I am, it does not deserve my time.

2. Critical viewing and thinking. Many teens are just not taught to think critically. As such they accept what they hear and read as the truth. This means what they see, hear, and read soon becomes their benchmark for living. When viewing/ reading advertising, work with your teen to answer the following questions; it will help your teen think differently about what she sees.
a. Who created the media experience?
b. What are they hoping to gain?
c. What message are they sending (What are they implying...even if it isn’t said directly)? Are the messages true?
d. How does watching this commercial make me feel? Why do I feel this way?
e. Is this image/ video photoshopped? Why is it photoshopped? Will the product I purchase give me the same result as the photoshopped image?
f. Will this product enhance my life in the way they promise (teach her to pay attention to how many times she can actually answer with a confident “Yes”)?
g. Am I being told that I need this or want this? What is the truth?

3. Who makes it & why. This section is for your teen to think about who stands to gain what from sending out the message. The bottom line, of course, for almost all media is making money! To do this, the media creators entice the audience to purchase their product or service by convincing the viewers to believe their life is lacking if they do not have this particular product. Take the time to observe and talk about what your teen enjoys watching/ reading so she is aware of why she enjoys certain content.

Best Wishes to You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

How does Media Affect Teens?

2012-01-14T04:32:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

It’s no longer necessary to ask IF media affects teens. The question to ask now is ‘HOW does it affect them?’

Of course many experts have refuted the idea that media has an effect on teens saying the studies are correlational in nature thus making it difficult to know if kids with a predisposition to violence are more likely to watch violent shows or if watching violence leads them to become more violent.

While the experts are busy debating it is up to you as a parent who spends every day with your child to notice how his behavioural and attitude patterns change as a result of watching particular content. Mimicking is a good clue.

A survey revealed that 75% of adults would like to see tighter enforcement of government rules on broadcast content. In Britain 78% of 18 to 24-year-olds also believe tougher restrictions are necessary to discourage adolescent sex. Who’s best to tell us how media affects teens’ behaviour than teens themselves!

In my opinion, media does influence our behaviour. If it didn’t, marketers wouldn’t be investing millions (billions?) of dollars every year into advertising. They know that if they portray their product or service as desirable and cool teens and adults will want it.

According to a study conducted by Kaiser Family Foundation (2005) teens spend about 44 hours a week on various forms of media (more time than they spend in school!). They are bound to absorb some of what they are exposed to.

Most people and parents know it has a negative effect, but are unable to pinpoint the specific consequences.

Here are 4 ways:

1. Sexuality: The sexual content has become more explicit in nature and is targeting younger and younger kids. Even the ratings of movies have become less strict. Media (music videos, movies, and sexualized advertising) is portraying sex as something that everyone does (even to the 10 year olds who are watching!). Confused but curious teens and preteens who engage in sexual behaviour are left feeling used, worthless, and emotionally detached as they are not psychologically ready for these experiences (not to mention the increased risk of pregnancy).

2. Violence: The violent content we see today has increased in frequency as well as in vividness. Young kids and teens are exposed to heroes who are ever more violent with cooler than ever tricks and moves (most of which are done by stuntmen or are computerized). After their aggressive performance they are victorious, praised and awarded. With regular exposure to violence, teens (especially boys) are more likely to practice the moves and incorporate them into daily life when interacting with peers. Because peers are exposed to the same content, they respond in kind and the behaviour is considered acceptable in the youth culture.

3. Substance abuse: There aren’t many movies that do not include alcohol and drugs in at least one of the scenes, particularly when teens are partying. Alcohol and drugs are consistently paired with the idea that these substances help teens have more fun. More importantly, media portrays these scenes as reflection of reality leaving teens believing that everyone does it. As soon as teens feel singled out, they are more likely to conform to what they think is normal.

4. Unrealistic fitness and beauty stereotypes: The bodies we see today in media are hardly realistic human bodies. Photoshopped bodies aren't real! The standard of the ‘ideal body’ leaves many adults feeling inadequate, not to mention children and teens who are still using their appearance as clue to their identity. Unfortunately, media portrays these images as ideal and as something to be strived for, leaving teens to feel very dissatisfied with themselves when they fail to meet the standards. This unreachable goal leads to low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, dissatisfaction, and shame. These feelings and beliefs lead to unhealthy choices and behaviours.

Parents have the power to filter the content viewed and read about in the home. It takes times, patience, and communication with teens.

Best Wishes to You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teens: Positive and Negative Self-image

2012-01-07T04:38:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Your teen’s self-image is his mental picture of who he is. His self-image is developed based on how he was taught to think about himself, based on his experiences, and on others’ opinion of him.

His self-image is one of the most important things in his life. It will determine his attitude and behaviour and will affect all of the variables below:
1. The friends he makes and has
2. His performance at school
3. His life choices
4. What he will achieve
5. His level of happiness
6. His level of life satisfaction

A healthy self-image gives your teen the confidence to stand up for himself. The confidence gives him the courage to say no to peer pressure. Teens with a positive self-image believe they are worthy individuals with great qualities. This positive perspective of themselves leads them to believe they deserve to make positive choices so they don’t hurt themselves and their future.

Teens who have a negative self-image usually don’t think they deserve much and they don’t expect much of themselves. They don’t see themselves to be worth all the work. Teens with a poor self-image are also more likely to participate in risky behaviour if they think it will gain them the approval of their peers.

Because a good self-image affects so many important areas of a teen’s life, it’s important for parents to help their teen build a positive view of themselves. Just like anything, this is a work in progress and the more your teen practices positive thinking about himself, the better he will feel.

What you as a parent can do to help your teen improve his self-image:

1. Watch your words: Sometimes teens can take well meant comments in the wrong way. The English language is ambiguous and can be interpreted in a number of ways, so speak clearly. Also, remember that your teen’s mood can affect what he thinks he hears. Be attentive to your teen’s mood so you minimize miscommunication.

2. Build a close connection to your teen: Parents who take the time to develop a strong relationship with their teen will raise a child with a positive self-image. When you spend time with your teen and participate in activities he enjoys you demonstrate your love for him. The more secure your teen feels in his relationship with you, his parent, the better self-image he will have.

3. Show your teen you value him: Spending time with your teen and taking actions to show him you value him will boost how he feels about himself. While forming his identity, your teen often looks to you to show him his value and worth. Kind, respectful words are important. Also, be sure to keep your commitments with your teen, attend his games and recitals, and stop what you are doing when he is speaking to you and just listen.

Guide your teen to learn the important things about himself. Work with him to discover the following:

1. Successes: Talk about your teen’s successes. As a society, we often focus on the bad stuff. Speaking about failures will not make them go away and they certainly won’t help your teen to form a good self-image. Talk about successes and speak about lessons learned when goals weren’t reached.

2. Strengths: After listing your teen’s successes, ask him to point out what strengths were required to reach each success. You and your teen will pick up on patterns and easily learn what his strong points are. Encourage him to get involved in activities where he can use his strengths as much as possible. It will positively influence his self-image.

3. Values: Values are often spoken about by coaches but are also overlooked at home. They are important and they do determine whether your teen feels proud of himself or not. Successes only evoke a feeling of pride if they are congruent to what is important to your teen. Even an award such as the Nobel Prize will not be enjoyed if the ‘success’ goes against your teen’s value system.

4. Personal interests: Your teen has interests and the more things he tries the wider those interests will be. Many young teens believe that video games are their major interest. While there is nothing wrong with video games, their range of interests will increase if they are able to experience more in life. Offer your teen the opportunity to grow his interests so he can learn about the wonderful person he is.

Best Wishes to You and Your Family

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

How to Help Your Teen Overcome Self-image Issues

2012-01-07T04:02:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Self-image is how your teen sees herself. It’s how she perceives her physical and psychological self. Her answers to questions such as the ones below, helps you get an idea of her self-image.

1. What are you capable of achieving?
2. How would you describe your abilities?
3. Are you deserving of all good things in life?
4. How would you describe yourself (good points and bad points)?
5. How would others describe you? (Ask for some negative points too, otherwise she’ll only give you the good ones).

The image your teen has of herself determines what she’ll try in life and what she’ll run away from. If you’re not sure whether your teen gave you an accurate description of herself using the questions above, your clue to her self-image is her behaviour and her desire to be involved in life activities—it’s a reflection of what she believes she’s capable of. Also, pay attention to the attitude she has about herself and about life. A negative attitude is usually reflected in perceived self-limitation.

Many teens (and adults) have a tough time seeing themselves in a positive perspective. Teens in our society have been conditioned to pay attention to their weaknesses, mistakes, and incapability so they can ‘fix’ them. Unfortunately, paying attention to the negative points usually leads teens to internalize a negative self-image.

Teens of parents who repeatedly bring up their negative points (no matter how good their intention) are more likely to struggle with a negative self-image even if they are excelling at everything. It’s not outer success that determines a good self-image; it’s how teens are taught to think about themselves! Don’t let your teen’s good performance fool you into thinking everything is ok with her self-image and self-esteem. Let her overall behaviour guide you.

If you’re certain your teen has a poor self-image, it’s best to nip it in the bud before it becomes habitual. The longer she has this negative opinion of herself, the more effect it will have on her life and the harder it will be to break it.

Here are some general ideas to help your teen overcome a negative self-image:

1. Media exposure: Unfortunately, one of the things teens are most exposed to is more likely to hurt their self-image than it is to help it. Since you can’t control everything your teen is exposed to, your job is to empower your teen to think critically about what she sees and hears on TV and to be aware of how it makes her feel about herself. Media literacy is very important in our society.

2. Your self-image: How you see yourself is usually reflected in how you speak about yourself and in your actions (low or high confidence). Your behaviour and self-talk is absorbed by your kids. If you think you may have some trouble seeing yourself in a positive light and you think it’s reflected in your everyday action you may want to consider getting some guidance on overcoming a negative self-image. It’s a simple enough process which requires self-awareness to help you understand why you see yourself as you do. The benefits will be seen in your entire family. Remember, healthy moms and dads = healthy sons and daughters.

3. Extracurricular activities: Encourage your teen to be involved in variety of activities. Teens who are involved in social activities tend to have a more positive image of themselves. These teens also have a higher confidence level and develop less social phobias or anxieties. Teens who are not a part of various activities tend to develop the “I can’t” attitude which is rooted in a negative self-image.

4. Self-esteem: A positive self-esteem will positively affect your teen’s self-image (or a positive self-image will positively affect your teen’s self-esteem...all depends on what causes what). To help increase your teen’s self-esteem work on the following activities: build your connection with your child, encourage a 'yes, I can attitude,' avoid social comparisons in the home (we are not others and we are not meant to measure up to them...encourage uniqueness and reaching personal potential), teach your teen to accept compliments, keep a list of her successes on the refrigerator, provide her with the opportunity to hang out with positive and inspiring people, teach her to take action to do the things she likes.

5. Physical appearance: Teen’s self-image is also very much connected to her appearance, particularly in our society. Although make-up and clothes are important to girls, it’s not the only thing to consider. After all, the makeup and clothes come off at night. Make a point of focusing on healthy eating and fitness. Taking these actions will help your teen feel better about herself. Spending a day on the couch is usually not as rewarding as spending the day on a bike, walking, hiking or participating is some other favourite activity. Make it a family lifestyle!

Best Wishes to You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Tips on Setting and Obtaining Goals for Teens

2011-12-31T07:54:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Does your teen have goals? What are these goals? Would you know how to help set her up for success?

Just like anything in life, teens must learn how to set goals in order to obtain them. This isn’t a process we naturally know (and that is one reason why we hear about people who don’t achieve their objective...they never learned how to). Teens must actively learn and practice how to set ourselves up for success.

When teens (and adults) decide they want to achieve something, they tend to jump right into it without thinking about the logical steps to complete it, exploring the many opportunities available, and what to do when obstacles come up.

Most teens don’t understand that the planning process is as important as taking physical action toward completing the goal. When they have a plan of action in mind along with a plan to overcome obstacles, they gain confidence, motivation, and the will to complete it so they can benefit from the results.

When teens don’t create a plan (especially for the larger goals), they’re more likely to feel confused, without a direction, and the end result becomes hopeless. They have an overall idea of what to do, but are not sure of the immediate steps to take (sometimes the steps that appear logical will take them to a dead end). This is when it’s easy for them to start losing the excitement to get the goal done.

If your teen is setting New Year resolutions, help her through the process. Do the research together and offer a goal of your own so you have something you can work on together.

Here are steps to help you out with the plan to obtain the goal. As an illustration, I will use the goal “To make some money” as an example. We will use my modified SMARTER approach to goals to guide us.

SMARTER Goals

Specific. The first thing you may have noticed is the goal to ‘make some money’ isn’t specific. According to this goal, even if your teen makes $10 she has succeeded because she has made some money. The question is, is she happy with that? My guess isn’t as this isn’t what she had in mind. Guide her to pick an amount that is feasible but will make her happy. Ask her, how much money she would like to earn during a certain period. Set the bar high enough so she’s challenged but not overwhelmed. This way she’ll feel satisfied once her goal is achieved.

Measurable: How will your teen measure her progress to ensure she’s staying on track? It can be overwhelming to think about the big picture all the time, so it’s important your teen has little targets to work through. These little milestones need to add up to the full amount at the end of the defined period. If they don’t add up, she’ll not reach her expected amount. Guide her to break up the segments into appropriate amounts. For seasonal jobs she may expect to earn better during some months, and not so much during other months.

Attainable: The goal must be attainable. How will you and your teen know if it’s attainable or not? One way is to look at the amount of hours she can work given school and other commitments. It’s important to get the desired amount right. If it’s too low, it won’t be satisfying, if it’s too high it’ll be overwhelming and she may give up without giving herself a fair chance to earn a feasible amount. More important, she may consider it a failure. [Note. Successful goal setting and obtaining should not cut into other responsibilities.]

Realistic: This is the section where she defines HOW she’ll earn this money. She needs to create the steps that will get her to the endpoint and provide the chronological order of steps to be taken. For example, will she be working one job or several? If it’s several, ask her to write down how much she expects to earn from each position. What does she need to do to attain this goal? Get her to list the steps. Is she willing to do these steps no matter what or are there conditions attached? This all needs to be figured out at this stage so she doesn’t have to deal with it last minute. Make the plan doable and realistic.

Timely: Ask her to set a deadline. By when does she hope to earn this money? It’s best to set a specific month, day, and year when possible. Keep the deadline proportionate to the amount of money she hopes to earn. [Note. For some goals the due date will be chosen for her and she won’t have much say as to when she wants to finish e.g., submitting university/ college applications.]

Empowerment: Working towards goals can be challenging. When it gets really tough or your teen feels unmotivated and is tempted to quit, what will she use to get herself back in goal achieving mood? What will she do to regain control? What thoughts will she need to think? What will she need to focus on (e.g., results, outcomes)? Challenges and setbacks can be expected, so guide her not only to be prepared for them but to learn to empower herself. This can be her motivator when she’s feeling overwhelmed or is debating whether she should pick up an extra shift when she has the time.

Relevant: Why is this goal important to her at this stage in her life? What are the benefits of completing this goal? Ask her to create a list of what she’ll gain by completing this goal (think of the psychological benefits too, e.g., self-pride, self-confidence, feeling successful). This will help her weed out goals that are not of benefit to her and to choose wisely.

Best Wishes to You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Vision Board: Helping Teens Stay Committed to Their Goals

2011-12-31T07:49:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Perhaps the two most challenging things about goals is 1) staying motivated to complete them 2) remembering that we set them after a period of time passes. This holds true for adults as well as teens.

Without thinking about your goals from day to day it’s easy to forget you set them. You’ll think about them less and less until eventually a couple weeks go by before you remember you ever set them. Eventually it’ll be a month or more.

For those teens who take time to think regularly (daily) about their goals and who take regular action to complete them, it can get challenging to stay motivated. This is a normal part of life and goal setting. To overcome this, however, teens can create reminders for themselves.

The best method is to have visual reminders of the end product they hope to achieve and reminders of what it’ll feel like when they achieve the end product. My suggestion is a vision book (the same as a vision board except in book format).

A vision book is a book in which your teen can glue images that represent his desires and goals. Vision books are effective because when your teen surrounds himself with pictures of what he would like to have, what he would like to be, or of things he would like to do, his life is more likely to become what he wants it to be. It’s about having clarity of what he wants, focusing on it, and emotionally aligning himself with the things he hopes to achieve. These are all key components of staying motivated, committed, and achieving his goals.

Vision books have repeatedly been shown to be an integral part of many successful people’s lives.

Work with your teen to create a Vision Book (or vision board). It’ll strengthen his level of commitment.

1. Purchase or create (bind) a scrapbook. Purchased scrapbooks are convenient because they have the option of being easily refilled. Creating your own however, allows you to be as creative as you like and it allows you to customize it to your taste.

2. Grab a bunch of magazines with photographs. Consider magazines that are topic specific (e.g. travel magazines) and magazines that cover many different areas. You can also go online to search for specific pictures.

3. Collect inspiring words and phrases. Any words that make your teen feel great or that describe how he will feel when the goal is accomplished are essential for the vision book. Likewise, he can always print out the words he can’t find.

4. Get glue or tape to make the pictures stick to each page. It’s a good idea to organize the order of the images before they are firmly set.

5. Label each page with a positive and action oriented phrase. For example, “I am happily exercising 3 to 5 times on week.” (With the images he ought to include the days of the week he plans on working out. It’ll be a great reminder for him to go to the gym on those days.)

6. Review the vision board daily or every other day. Reviewing the book regularly will keep the goals fresh in your teen’s mind. The positive words and pictures will keep him motivated to keep going. It’ll also develop a level of commitment. If your teen does not think regularly about his goals, there will be little to stay committed to.

Best Wishes to You and Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Ringing in the New Year with Your teens

2011-12-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Did you know New Year’s Day is a Global Family Day?

It is common now a days for parents to celebrate New Year’s separately from their teens. Even teens as young as 14, 15 or 16 years old make plans of their own as parents book their own festivities. After all, teens are clearly not interested in spending the time with mom and dad but prefer to spend it with peer’s their age or slightly older and cooler acquaintances.

Traditionally, families celebrated such holidays together. While youth and adults would separate into their respective groups, the entire family attended the same party. They arrived together, they celebrated together, and they left together. Such actions promoted family unity and family cohesiveness.

The benefits of spending New Years with your teens include:

1. You strengthen your bond with your kids
2. You let your teens know their company is important to you
3. You promote family togetherness as a value to be adopted by your teens
4. You spend happy and festive times with your kids (not just the regular days)
5. You create tradition
6. You create good memories you and your teens can recall
7. You can model a responsible way to ring in the New Year
8. You are able to supervise your child to ensure his safety (teens behave differently when parents are around)

Little by little families have adopted the belief that it is normal for teens who are seeking independence to spend celebrations with their peers as opposed to their ‘uncool’ parents. [This is often witnessed when teens go clubbing or to bars on Christmas Day, Thanksgiving night, during Hanukkah celebrations, Passover, Kwaanza, Good Friday and Easter holiday, and other valued cultural festivities.]

For many families (who unconsciously use families in the community or TV families as a guide), divided celebrations have become an acceptable way of ringing in the New Year. Do not worry about how other families are celebrating New Year’s, follow your own values and instincts about family togetherness. Following your intuition is a sign of a confident and in-control parent.

If your teens are used to spending time with their peers, you may be faced with a few challenges when you introduce the idea of family togetherness. After all, young teens have developed traditions of their own and you are not a part of them.

The toughest challenge you may face is your teens desire to be with friends. Teens see other teens ringing in the New Year with friends and as such want to be part of the group. In their minds, their lack of presence signifies separation from peers and losing their spot in the peer group. Let them know through action, they fit into the FAMILY group. Don’t fall into the trap of ‘all teens and families do it like this.’ Set your own standards and traditions and let your teen know you want his presence to enrich this occasion.

When planning the night, plan to bring your teens to a party where they recognize a few of their peers (it’s no fun if they are the only kids or if no one knows anyone). If there are no such options, why not stay in and create your own party? No one is ever too old for fun family games. Stay firm in your decision, however, your teens will thank you for it in years to come.

If the parents are divorced, alternate the years of where your teen will spend New Year’s (if spending it together is not possible). The idea is for teens to feel loved and wanted by their parents. Sometimes teens from divorced families may choose to spend the celebration with their friends because they have a hard time picking one parent over another. Help your teen with this decision by organizing the event with the other parent and presenting the idea to your child.

Many blessings to you and your family in the New Year!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

How to Guide Your Teens to Pick New Years Goals and Resolutions

2011-12-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Setting the right New Year’s resolutions can change our lives for the better. Unfortunately, the word ‘failure’ has become synonymous with the word ‘resolution’. Many times we set random goals, or goals we think will bring us certain benefits only to find ourselves giving up soon after we begin.

The problem is not that we can’t complete goals; the problem is that we choose the wrong ones and we choose them for the wrong reasons. In the meantime, as parents and other adults mischoose and struggle to complete goals, the kids and teens are watching (and copying).

If teens learn to set proper goals at an early age, they won’t grow up only to repeat the typical mistakes they learned from adults. Their decisions will be based on who they are and on ideas that are important to them.

Here are some tips to guide you and your teen on how to pick personalized goals; goals that are based on her (and your) preferences, on what is important to her/you, and goals that will bring her/you fulfilment and joy.

1. Strengths: Parents often encourage teens to work on their weaknesses in an attempt to make them well balanced individuals. Although this sounds logical, I encourage you to allow your teen to focus on her strengths. This focus will allow her to build her strengths to full potential. No one is excellent at everything but everyone has the potential to be excellent at their unique strengths. Guide your teen to incorporate her strengths when picking a New Year’s resolution. [Note: being well-balanced is about setting goals is various life domains, not about being good at everything.]

2. Natural interest: Natural interest is a guide to what your teen is meant to do in life. It is a guide to her life passion. It ought to be nurtured and enjoyed and you and your teen ought to be proud of her innate interest. I encourage parents to praise this natural interest and provide activities where teens can enjoy it and explore it. New Year’s resolutions that contain a part of their natural interest are more likely to be continued when the going gets tough.

3. Values: What family values and personal values are important to your teen? Goals that ignore your teen’s value system will leave her feeling unfulfilled and without much success (even if the goal is achieved). Remember, that your teen’s unique values bring meaning her life. When values are not incorporated into her everyday living, it leaves your teen vulnerable to a less fulfilling life.

4. Psychological needs: Emotional and psychological needs are unique to every person and unmet needs lead to frustration and ‘acting out.’ As such, do not get trapped by the idea that all your children require same type of feedback. Allow your children to pick goals that are unique them. What type of feedback does your teen enjoy? What is she hoping to achieve by setting certain goal? If she hopes to capture people’s approval she may be setting herself up for a disappointment. Guide her to set goals that will fulfill her needs, not another’s. Example of psychological needs include to feel accepted, to feel free, to be admired, to be appreciated, to be forgiving, to be productive, etc.

Many blessings to you and your family in the New Year!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

6 Fun Ways to Celebrate Christmas with Your Teens

2011-12-18T10:14:00.000-08:00

As with all holidays, Christmas is what YOU make of it. Your attitude, behaviour, and thoughts will determine the kind of time you will have.
To have the best time possible ask yourself “What do I want to experience with my family this year?” Make a detailed list if necessary.

Most people will agree that Christmas and other holidays are best when spent with the immediate (and extended) family. Add in amusing activities, a good attitude, and you will notice an improvement in the quality of the holidays.

The only way to teach your teens to value family is by showing them you value it too. This is done through the time you spend with each other and by the amount of effort you put in during important (and not so important) times of the year.

Consider including the following ideas to help make your Christmas more festive this season. The 2 common themes you will notice in each of the activities are: 1) Family togetherness and 2) Fun. Fun is the glue that keeps families coming back to celebrate traditions. Boring traditions get quickly dropped or become dreaded. Customize them in whatever way it will enhance your family experience.

1. Favourite recipes: We all have ‘em so why not make ‘em together? This is a perfect opportunity for parents to bond with kids through communication. Communication is always easier when enjoying a fun activity. This really is an activity that ought to include mom, dad, and the kids. Put aside traditional gender roles, put aside the need to be doing work, and instead make it a priority to spend time with your kids.

2. Secret Santa: Play secret Santa with a twist: No purchased gifts! Instead the gifts can be favours bestowed upon the selected recipient. They can consist of polite compliments, help with chores, a homemade gift, breakfast in bed, scheduled time to hang out, or whatever creative ideas your family can come up with.

3. Decorate with your family: Decorating ought to always be done together. If it’s hard to get everyone together at random times, then be sure to schedule in advance a time where everyone can be present. No options. When you are unwilling to exclude anyone it sends the message they are important and their company is essential. It gives your teens a place to belong, a place where their opinion counts, and a place where they are wanted.

4. Family Christmas party: This is not about hosting a formal sit down dinner. This is about inviting over the aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, and just having fun. Turn on the Christmas music, wear fun clothes, take out the baked favourites, and create a fun and loving time. This is more about promoting the importance of family, having the adults and kids mingle, and creating fun tradition for your child, than it is about being the perfect host.

5. Create your own Christmas cards: Computer programs and application can do wonders today. It is possible for people to make their own Christmas cards. Why not create a card together with your family (e.g., decide on the theme, the written content, design on the outside and a design on the inside and ask each person to be responsible for one aspect of the card). Remember, handing out cards is more about the thought and effort than it is about the sophistication and price. A card that comes from the heart sends out more positive energy than a card bought in a rush and without feeling.

6. Attend a religious ceremony: Many religious ceremonies are festive, warm, and bring families together. Religious ceremonies speak of and remind us of the true meaning of Christmas. It gives everyone a chance to sing their favourite carols and it gives the entire family a feeling of belonging to a community. Make the feeling a part of your tradition each year.

Best Wishes to Your Family This Christmas Season

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

The True Meaning of Christmas and the Holiday Season for Teens

2011-12-17T04:42:00.000-08:00

Birthdays, Valentine’s, Christmas, and most gift-giving holidays have become commercialized. For many families Christmas has become about gifts (very expensive gifts!) and less about the meaning behind the day. It is about rushing here and there, feeling guilty for eating sweets, stressing about the holiday menu, and waiting for the busy period to pass so one can relax.

This is not what Christmas is about. This is only what we have made it into and it is a mentality we are passing onto children and teens.

What is the meaning of Christmas? Have you ever asked your child what in his (or her) mind is the meaning of Christmas? Why not ask him to share ideas of what he thinks. If you get an answer such as ‘for families to spend time together’ dig deeper and ask how families can do this. After he gives you his answer, ask if your family is meeting all these important points and where the family could improve.

If you find both you and your teen are running short on ideas, here are 4 suggestions to help you convert Christmas into a more meaningful holiday:

1.Giving back: Worried about what your child is asking for this Christmas season? Make this season less about money and more about giving back. It’s not about forcing the idea of giving onto your kids; it’s more about exposing them to different people with different life circumstances. It is about helping them develop an open mind and a kind heart by watching and modeling you.

2. Family time and togetherness: Yes, it is difficult to explain what Christmas is all about without using the word ‘togetherness.’ Remember, however, that it is not just about being together, it is about showing love and generosity to each other. There is no point to being together if the time is used to debate and argue about things that happened earlier in the year or years ago. Christmas is an excellent time to show your teens how families can respect each other.

3. Relaxation and fun: Believe it or not, the holiday season can be about relaxation and fun if you want it to be. Split up the chores (this will create a feeling a team) and watch how much more time you have to relax with your family. Christmas is not extremely busy because it is extremely busy; it is busy because we often chose to do more than we have time for. Let’s not pass on this bad habit to our teens. Pass on the habit of family fun and relaxation time.

4. Homemade gifts: Presents are great but they are not necessarily great because of the monetary value. It is the effort and the thought that counts. That is why homemade gifts are always more meaningful than any store bought gift (e.g., scrapbook of past Christmases, homemade calendar, a storybook with family members starring as the characters). They are also more likely to be treasured because they are irreplaceable. Technology is soon outdated and easy to get tired of. A homemade gift often gets saved for years to come. Teach your teens about sentimentality.

Best Wishes to Your Family This Christmas Season

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Christmas: Teach Your Teen to Give Back During the Holiday Season

2011-12-10T12:19:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Giving to others doesn’t have to be about giving money. It is about giving time, giving complements, giving a smile, giving attention, giving a helping hand, giving emotional support, or giving a kind word or gesture. While monetary donations have their place and time, Christmas spirit is about enriching another’s life through kind action and intention.

Giving and receiving are both habits. The more we receive the more we expect to receive and the more we demand to receive. The more we give, the more excited we are to recreate the experience, and the more enthusiastic we are to give again.

Sometimes parents wonder about their children’s expensive expectations at Christmas and other gift giving occasions. This usually happens when receiving is not balanced with giving. For many teens, giving is not as expected of them as receiving because they have little or no income. But giving is not about money; the spirit of the season is what you make of it. The traditions you create with your kids are the ones they often carry into adulthood and recreate when they start their families.

As you read about the ways your teen can give, you’ll notice, your child will receive 2 specific gifts each time he makes an offering. He will receive the gifts of gratitude and wisdom that can only be gained by being in service to others! These gifts build social responsibility, humility, a positive character, and a motivation to make a difference in the world.

Promote your family values during the Christmas season. Giving is better than receiving.

1. Volunteer: Donate time at food shelter (soup kitchen). This is one of the most common volunteer opportunities cited and also one of the most overlooked. The reason being is that volunteering takes a little more effort, time, and attention than giving money, or donating food and clothes. Expose your child to various forms of living (including the luxurious life) so he gains a sophisticated understanding of the world.

2. Donations: Food, money, clothing, toys, hygiene products. These are things we have and use daily, but often take for granted because we just expect them to be a part of our life each day. For many people these are precious items that may not be there from day-to-day. Being involved in community organizations is an excellent way for teens to be exposed to people who experience a lack in the areas they have plenty.

3. Acts of Kindness: Nothing brings a smile to someone’s face faster than random acts of kindness (e.g., giving up your seat for someone, sending a handwritten notes saying thanks, picking up garbage, offering to help). Even the angriest people cannot resist receiving a gesture of kindness. Make this your family’s and teens’ habit.

4. Invitations: Is there anyone in the neighbourhood who doesn’t have a family or anyone to celebrate Christmas with? Why not teach your child to open his home and heart to individuals who have no one else to share the holidays with?

5. Community events: As a family, be a part of community events. There is usually a lot going on in most cities and towns. Call your city hall or visit their website for more information. Public libraries also seem to know about ongoing events. Being regularly involved with community events will train your teen to be open, generous, and active.

6. Say thanks: People often forget to express their appreciation for services rendered (think how often you feel underappreciated in a romantic relationship)--because we are usually not even aware we received. Many parents claim their children are often ungrateful. Teach your teen to stay in the moment and be conscious of gifts and services they receive and to show their appreciation.

7. Smile: One of the most generous gifts is the gift of a smile. It costs nothing and requires little effort, yet we are usually not in the habit of giving it. It is not just about giving it to family, friends, and neighbours. Many strangers and acquaintances cross our path during the day that could benefit from our smile. Model to your kids what happens when they share a smile. Help them build this wonderful habit.

Show your teen he CAN make a positive difference in the world. It all starts with simple actions.

Best Wishes to Your Family This Christmas Season

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Christmas and Holidays: Teaching Your Teen to Handle Her Money Well

2011-12-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

Teaching teens how to handle money is one of the most valuable lessons you can give them in life.

You cannot teach your kids how to handle money by sitting them down at the kitchen table and handing them PowerPoint slides with the option of writing notes down by each slide. While the theoretical work in money management is important, you really teach with the example you set and letting them have personal experience handling money (with your guidance of course).

If your kids learn how to handle $100, $500, $1000, they will be more comfortable with handling even bigger amounts of money. The trick is to teach them how to work wisely with what they got. Handling money is all about organization, knowing the budget and knowing how much savings are wanted by the end of the period.

Christmas and the Holidays are an excellent time to practice. It is a time of the year where most of us end up spending more than we do on a regular basis while having to keep our regular financial commitments. It really puts us to the test!

With your guidance, let your teen practice how to handle money. The more she practices working with money, the more confident she will be with it later in life. As with other things in life, managing money well is a habit. Encourage her to develop this habit early in life.

Here are some tips to address with your child about handing money this Christmas:

1. Open a Bank Account: If your teen doesn’t have a bank account yet, consider getting her one. Having a formal place to keep her money, a place where she can see her money grow can motivate her to keep more in there. Open the bank account before Christmas and watch her hesitate to spend what she has deposited!

2. Firm budget: Guide her to start Christmas shopping with a firm budget in mind, not a flexible one. She can write down a range of what she wants to spend (e.g., lowest she thinks she can spend based on her commitments and the most she is willing to spend). Getting into the habit of keeping a budget will give her experience in learning to plan her spending, it will help her not to spend money on things not needed, and it will teach her to save money for bigger purchases (e.g., first car, first home).

3. Write a list: Asking her to keeping her budget in mind, het her to write down who to buy for and how much she would like to spend on each person. She must stay within her budget so she doesn’t go into her savings. The list will help her stay organized and within budget.

4. Look around: Teach your teen to look around a few stores before buying. With a little more effort it is possible to find an item for a bit cheaper elsewhere. Flyers and online research can help with this. No need to drive around to do the research. It can be done from home by phone or going online.

5. Coupons, coupons, price match?: Teach your teen it is cool to use coupons and it doesn’t represent cheapness. It represents cleverness! Look for coupons together and show her how much money she can save (there is a coupon for almost everything online). Also, many stores now offer price matching. Teach her how to take advantage of this opportunity without being shy about it.

6. Keep records: If your teen needs to buy for a few people, get her in the habit of keeping a record of how much she is spending (this is also good when keeping a monthly budget). Managing money successfully involves keeping a record of how much money goes where. This allows her to know where she is overspending. Help her create a spreadsheet that will automatically calculate her spending during the Christmas season.

7. Bank the rest: Let your teen know it is OK if she doesn’t end up spending as much as she thought she would need to. Awesome! To treat herself, teach her to put the rest in the bank so she can see her bank account grow. That’s more satisfying than any material reward she could buy herself and place in the corner 2 weeks later.

Happy and Safe Wishes to Your Family This Christmas Season

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

How to Get Your Teen to Believe in Herself

2011-12-03T11:58:00.000-08:00

Believing in oneself is the first step to success, happiness, and a feeling of control in life. It is also a learned behaviour that becomes a habit when practiced over time. Likewise, self-doubt and feelings of inferiority can also become a habit if practiced frequently.

If you find your teen has a low opinion of herself, telling her to be more positive isn’t going to change much. She has settled into a habitual way of thinking about herself and will need a little more work before she can change how she think of herself. You can help her change a step at a time. To get her to change, you’ll have to address her thoughts, emotions, and behaviour one at a time while understanding that all 3 work together in synchrony.

Here are steps to help you boost your teen’s belief in herself. Follow these steps in the order listed. Remember, this is a journey. These types of changes usually don’t happen instantly. Give yourself a month to 2 months before you start seeing behavioural changes.

1. Investigate what behaviour you are modeling: Change your behaviour before you attempt to help your child, lest you be called a hypocrite. Would you take a coach seriously if she asked you to stop smoking, start eating healthier, and exercise more when you know she did the exact opposite? Would this coach motivate you to change your life? Would you take her seriously? It works the same way in the parent-child relationship. So, stand back for a week to observe your life and get an idea of the behaviour and language you model to your kids. Ask yourself if you model confident and assertive behaviour. Do you often speak about how you are unsure of your skills and what you have to offer to the world?

2. Find out her thoughts: If you are worried about her low self-esteem, her lack of belief in herself, and suspect something is amiss, speak to her! Chose neutral words and a nonjudgmental attitude when speaking to her. Bring up examples you have witnessed to get to the root cause of why she doubts herself and her abilities. To find out where this feeling originated, ask her which events led her to start questioning her capability. Get her to list as many events as she can remember and line them up in chronological order. This way you can get an idea of how this thought originated and how it solidified her belief.

3. Share positivity: Show your teen you believe in her. Remind her of the many successes she has had and the hard work she put in to accomplish them. Ask her if she were to put in the same amount of effort in another activity, if that would lead to success? Ask her to list the lessons learned and how her newfound knowledge would influence her future decisions and behaviour. Ask her to provide a different interpretation of the same events when she concluded she wasn’t good enough (what are other reasons the event did not turn out?). Share some of your own stories where you wished you believed in yourself or where in hindsight you learned you are a lot smarter and courageous then you ever thought.

4. Challenge her: Challenge her to try new things and retry some old things. The reason this step comes last is because you need to do some cognitive work before her behaviour will change. By now you have started to demonstrate more uplifting behaviour (so you are not a hypocrite), you have addressed the root cause of why she stopped believing in herself, you have illustrated many of her successes, and let her know you believe in her even if things don’t work out the first time around. These changes add to her confidence and believing in herself becomes a tad easier.

Best Wishes to Your family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy With Your Child at Home

2011-12-03T11:11:00.000-08:00

Ivana PejakovicB.Sc., MA

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a form of counselling that helps clients understand how thoughts and feelings influence behaviour. CBT has helped teens with various issues, including, anger, low opinion of oneself, stress, anxiety, low self-esteem and confidence, and many other problems. For example, a teen who constantly thinks about being made fun of, his weaknesses, his failures and mistakes, his lack of fit in social groups, will very likely avoid social situations (because thoughts affect behaviour).

CBT works by helping teens change their thoughts regarding certain events. The negative thoughts are usually false interpretations of what happened. Once they change how they view the event, they change their feelings from negative to positive. Positive thinking (e.g., optimism, hope) and good feelings regarding encourage teens to try new experiences. Therefore a change in thoughts will provide a change in behaviour. These changes always help teens feel better and try again.

No matter what your situation at home is and what you are trying to help your teen with, address the following steps:

1. Thoughts: By speaking to your child you can get an idea of your child’s thinking pattern. Ask questions to get an idea of his logic, of his experiences, of his conclusions and lessons learned. You may feel you already know answers to the questions you ask, but you only know what he told you previously or what you observed. You don’t know his perspective of the situation and his feelings about it (if he never shared). And that is what matters more than reality. Ask questions to find out the perceived consequences of his mistakes and failures (e.g., public embarrassment, feelings of inferiority compared to peers, anger, and anxiety). Ask him to retell the story so you can see where his logic is biased. This is how to access the root cause of his thoughts. It is an essential first step to help your child.

2. Emotions: Thoughts always affect emotions. If your teen is thinking uplifting thoughts, he will demonstrate an uplifting mood and happy feelings. If he is thinking gloomy thoughts his mood and feelings will match. It is impossible to be inconsistent (positive thoughts, but negative mood). Emotions and mood are 1 indicator of what is going on inside your child’s head. By helping your teen clear up his thoughts you will help him change his mood. If you notice your child is down or angry, telling him to ‘brighten up’ or ‘get over it’ can lead him to think you just don’t get him (if this keeps up it can lead child to distance himself from parent). Ask him to help you understand by sharing feelings and emotions a given situation evoked. Communicating with your child in a clam manner regarding what is going on is the best approach. Sometimes it is better to back off for the time being, however, revisit the issue within 24 hours once his mood lightens. This way you show respect for his feelings and demonstrate caring by following up.

3. Behaviour: Thoughts influence emotions and thoughts and emotions together influence behaviour. Behaviour is the second indicator of what thoughts are being played in your teen’s head. If your child feels he is not good enough, it means he has negative thoughts running through his mind (remember it is impossible to think and feel positively and show the opposite behaviour). The thoughts can be translated into feelings of anger, frustration, or sadness. The thoughts and behaviour will usually translate into behaviours such as shyness, avoiding social activities, not signing up for teams, or avoiding challenges. If you want to address your child’s lack of initiative, ask why he passes on fun activities (and try not to jump to obvious conclusions such as laziness, irresponsible, or too coddled. Don’t accept the first answer such as “it’s dumb,” or “it’s boring.” While your child may feel like this for some activities, it is not true for all of them. Get your child to expand by sharing your opinion on it too. If you find you’re doing most of the talking, that’s OK. He’ll open up eventually.

Best Wishes to Your family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teen Identity: How to Nurture a Healthy Identity in Your Kids and Teens

2011-11-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Developing an identity is one of the most important things any person will do in life. Our identity or self-concept answers the question of ‘Who am I?”. It determines how we see ourselves, how we behave, and how we feel about ourselves. If we see ourselves in a negative light or feel badly about the person we are, it affects our ability to have a good relationship with others and our levels of success across various domains.

Developing an identity happens gradually throughout the childhood years. In early childhood, kids describe themselves in concrete ways (e.g., I have brown hair, I am Jimmy’s friend) and in adolescence their description becomes more abstract (e.g., using personality traits, morality, and ideals to describe who they are).

The role of parents is to excite teens into thinking about themselves in a more mature (and of course positive) way while providing a loving and supportive environment. Encouraging and compassionate surroundings allow teens to feel safe and proud of their attempts at an adult-like life. This support has a positive influence on their identity.

Here are some ideas on how to guide your child to develop a healthy identity:

1. Self-awareness: Guide your teen to think about who they are, what they are good at, what they like or don’t like, preferences, skills, and talents. Talking about bodily changes, what to emotions to expect, and the normalcy of it all is also important. Share stories from your childhood with your teen to demonstrate s/he isn’t the only one experiencing this ‘awkward’ stage.

2. Self-acceptance: With all the changes occurring in your teen’s life, mental and physical health depends on how much your teen is able to accept him or herself (e.g., new physical appearance and new way of thinking). Teaching self-acceptance is best done through modeling. Teens tend to criticize themselves similar to the way the same-gender parent does, likewise, they tend to praise themselves similar to the same-gender parent.

3. Family values: Every family has values. It becomes a problem however, if they are never discussed. The earlier a family discusses values (and adheres to them!!) the better. Sometimes there is a mistaken impression that teens will figure it out on their own. After all, it’s part of building independence and too much guidance might spoil them. Teens are still very much children and vulnerable children at that. It is at this age that they need parents to guide them on what is important in life. Clearly laid out values (not in lecture format though) outlines what type of behaviour is acceptable.

4. Goals: Goals help strengthen identity by adding a feeling of purpose in life. Completed goals give teens direction and a feeling of accomplishment. All 3 of these components are necessary for good self-esteem. Goals don’t have to be big to count; even simple objectives such as keeping room clean from week to week arouse feelings of pride. Encourage your teen to have goals, point out goals that have not been recognized as ‘goals,’ and remember to celebrate all successes. If there are any outstanding goals, teach your teen to view them as lessons learned before they write them off as a failures.

5. Future occupation: In addition to the other challenges teens face, thinking about future career choices adds stress and anxiety. 100 years ago, children’s future would be decided early. Sons would inherit the father’s farm or business and daughters would marry and raise kids. Today’s career choices are much more extensive and many times children are left on their own to figure it out...assuming that as they reach a certain age they will just know! Guidance, inspiration, and experimentation are important throughout the teen years as they help identify and pinpoint skills, strengths, and likes. Research, discuss, and experiment with (hands-on experience) a wide range of occupations.

Best Wishes to Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Erikson’s Developmental Stages: Helping Your Child Develop Successfully

2011-11-26T08:00:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

If there is anything parents want it’s the successful development of their children. As such, it’s helpful for parents to be aware of how their children develop and what psychological changes occur at each stage of development. Knowing where children are at helps parents attribute meaning to much of what children say or do. This knowledge increases confidence in parents and gives them patience while children are growing up.

Erikson, a German psychologist, proposed 8 (though I will only cover first 6) psycho-social developmental stages humans go through from the time of birth to the end of life. During each stage the human is faced by new and more complex challenges. Each stage is a building block for the next stage and unresolved issues from previous stages are taken into subsequent stages until the problem is resolved. Old issues tend to impede successful development in subsequent stages.

The summary of the 6 stages are as follows:

Stage 1: Trust vs. Mistrust (Birth to around 15 months old)

During this stage infants face the challenge to develop a sense that the world is a safe and good place. Throughout these early years, children learn to trust or mistrust depending on how well their needs are met. Both mom’s and dad’s nurturing behaviour (touch, visual contact, and availability to meet child’s various needs) plays an important role for children to develop a good level of trust, safety, security and worth. The more the parents are available, the greater the likelihood this stage will be met with success.

Stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame/ Doubt (1 to 3 years old)

Between the ages of 1 and 3 children learn many new skills and they learn right from wrong. The challenge faced is to realize that one is an independent person who can make one’s own decisions (the terrible twos!). When learning new skills and making choices, mom’s and dad’s behavioural and verbal feedback greatly influence how children perceive themselves. Encouragement will lead to high self-esteem and pride (whether the child failed or not) and autonomy whereas negative feedback will lead to feelings of shame and low self-esteem (whether the child succeeded or not).

Stage 3: Initiative vs. Guilt (3 to 6 years old)

The challenge here is to develop a willingness to try new things and to handle failure. Primary family members continue to be the most important influence as children develop the desire to copy the adults around them. Some behaviour is directly tried out by the child (e.g. tying shoe laces, eating with cutlery) and other situations are played out in the imagination (e.g. tea parties, playing house). In their attempt to understand how the world works parents often hear the word ‘Why?’. Success at this stage leads the child to a sense of purpose. Children who frequently experience parental disapproval tend to develop a sense of guilt that carries into the next stages.

Stage 4: Industry vs. Inferiority (6 years to adolescence)

The challenging during this stage is to continue learning basic skills and to work with others. If the stage is completed successfully, children develop a sense of competence, if not they develop a feeling of inadequacy.
Children now start going to school and their world becomes larger—they see, hear, and experience many things they have not up to this point. In school children develop relationships outside the home and start learning how to deal with peers. Children who have a difficult time getting along with peers due to lack of social skills or lack of success in previous stages develop low self-esteem and feel inferior to their peers.

Parental modeling of healthy social skills, positive feedback, and tips come in handy for children to apply to their own life.

Stage 5: Identity vs. Identity Confusion (Adolescence: 12 to 18 years old)

The challenge during the teen years is to develop a lasting, integrated sense of self. If this stage is not completed successfully, children end up moving onto the next stage without an idea of who they are. Children with a clear identity are able to stay true to who they are and their value system, whereas, children who are unsure of their identity tend to be more easily persuaded by others.

Teens will use their world experiences with friends and social groups, social ideals, family values, and own judgement and conclusions to understand themselves. Positive family modeling and continual healthy parent-child bonds are important for the success of this stage. Although teens tend to pull away from parents, it is important parents don’t pull away from their children. They are still children!

Stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation (Young adulthood: 18 to 35 years old)

During this stage the challenge is to commit to another in a loving relationship. The success of this stage is usually determined by how well children fared in the previous stages. If previous stages lead child to experience overall feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, shame, and low self-esteem it is more difficult to sustain a healthy and loving relationship. If young adults believe themselves to be unsuccessful during this stage they will experience isolated and like they do not fit in with peers who have married and started a family.

Best Wishes to Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Life Coaching for Teens

2011-11-20T08:11:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

According to research, youth who have 3 or more adult role models (in addition to their parents) are less likely to engage in unsafe behaviours including, sex, drugs, and alcohol. The adult role models can be athletic coaches, teachers, extended family members, or a member from the church/ temple/ synagogue. Unfortunately, today’s communities are larger and as a result are less intimate leaving teens without the support previous generations were able to give to youth.

Life coaching for teens has been increasing in popularity. Similar to other role models, life coaches are trained individuals (be sure to always check credentials!!) who can guide your teen to think and behave in a self-serving manner. Coaching is about teaching youth to CREATE their life as opposed to be swept away by it. The benefits of coaching are widely recognized.

The benefits include:

1. Guiding and teaching teens how to think for themselves
2. Helping youth develop a self-identity, including how to think about their place in the family, school, and community
3. Promoting positive relationships with family members
4. Understanding the meaning of responsibility and accountability (responsibility is more than just chores and homework)

In addition to the many benefits, life coaching for teens often focuses on the following area (depending on individual programs). The 4 components serve to provide guidance to teens as they transition from childhood to adolescence and over into adulthood.

1. Self-awareness: Sometimes it is difficult to connect how our actions lead to outcomes. Many individuals see life as unfair fate or just plain luck. Life coaches show teens how to make choices that are in line with who they are in order to create the life they want. This way they do not need to count on luck for things to go their way.

2. Self-esteem and confidence: Self-confidence is based on self-esteem and self-esteem is based on how we interpret events in the world, including how we interpret others’ comments, our setbacks, and what we think about our place in the world. It is determined based on whether we focus on our strengths or weaknesses on our success or our failures. Showing youth to put things into perspective will raise self-esteem and confidence levels.

3. Choose and plan goals: Everyone has values, strengths, and needs. It is important we choose goals based on strengths and values to ensure goals are fulfilling. Picking goals because others expect us to pick them almost always leads to disappointment. Life coaches show teens how to recognize the goals important to them from the goals important to others.

4. Empowerment: Increased self-awareness, raised self-esteem and confidence levels, and choosing and planning goals all give teens a new perspective on life. This new knowledge empowers and motivates them. They learn that life does not happen randomly and they learn that when something does not go as planned they still have a choice on how to react.

Best Wishes to Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Life Coaching for Parents

2011-11-19T19:38:00.000-08:00

Life coaching is not just for individuals looking for personal improvement in career, social, or financial areas of life. Life coaching is also extremely effective in putting families back on track. Many life coaches are finding themselves working with parents (or the family as a unit) to help parents create the relationship they want with their kids. And they are doing a fantastic job!

Life coaching is not only for parents in crisis who are in dire need of outside intervention. Many parents would agree their family is functioning well, however, they recognize there are a few areas that could use some buffering. Most parent clients usually come for one of the reasons below:

1. Parents know the type of relationship they want to have with their children but have a hard time reaching that point. It is not uncommon for parents to feel inadequate and hopeless. Coaching for these parents is about inspiration and reassurance to follow their natural instinct.

2. Parents feel lost and stuck. They are not sure what else they can do to improve their relationship with their child, to get their teen to listen, and have a happy well-adjusted household. They’ve tried many methods and they know which of the parenting techniques are not working for them but are not sure what to do next. Coaching for these parents is about recognizing negative patterns, re-establishing the bond they have with their children and setting up some new rules.

Parenting was not meant to be hard and it certainly wasn’t meant to leave parents feeling lost, confused, feeling like a failure and unfulfilled. Parenting today is not what it was 100 years ago, 50 years ago, or even 20 years ago. The challenges parents face today are different than the challenges their parents faced. For economic reasons, many households have both parents working outside the home, some operate their own business from their home, however, feel tight with time and are unable to give their kids the time and attention they require.

Parents soon learn that parenting is much more than just modeling the right behaviour, providing their children with food, shelter, and sport and educational opportunities. Although all of these are VERY important, there is more to it than that.

When parenting consider these 3 areas:

1. Attachment: The strength of the bond you have with your child is extremely important and will determine how well your child is willing to listen to you and cooperate. If your child does not feel bonded to you and is more attached to his peers, he will be more likely to follow their example than yours.

2. Personal insecurities: Many of our personal insecurities stem back from our own childhood and they affect how we parent our kids. Whether we push them into activities they are not interested in, or push them to keep performing better and better each time, or try to relive our life through our kids it all provides incredible pressure on kids that can lead them to rebellion.

3. Observation and communication: Be present (physically and mentally) so you can observe your child, be alert to self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviour, and be alert to anything that may be going on outside the home. Have an open line of communication so your child feels free to speak to you without feeling judged or belittled. Approach topics with an open mind.

Best Wishes to Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Parents: Common False Beliefs in Teens

2011-11-13T04:30:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Many people have false beliefs about themselves that keep them from getting what they want. If you think back to your teenage years you’ll probably remember you had some of the same limiting beliefs then as you do now (e.g., being afraid to try new activities or try out for teams, feeling you never were able to keep up with others, etc.).

Similarly, if you notice false beliefs in your teen and think she will simply outgrow them with experience and age, think again. With age and experience also come tougher challenges which can help perpetuate the same old false beliefs. As such, it is wiser to nip these limiting beliefs now then allow them to spread and dominate.

How will you be able to identify any of the false beliefs your child has? Pay attention to your teen’s speech (negativity) and behaviour (avoidant or self-sabotaging). Your child’s habitual patterns are visible through her words and behaviour. You cannot separate her thoughts from who she presents herself to be in the world.

Watch out for these common false beliefs:

1. Self-judgement: A common false belief adults hold is “I am not good enough.” This belief tends to be picked up in childhood while kids are learning new skills and frequently making mistakes and are solidified in teen years as they try to figure out their identity. This is where the quality of parental feedback is extremely important. Encourage your teen to avoid basing her worth on the outcome of her actions.

2. Social fears: If you’ve noticed your teen is avoiding social situations there is a good chance she holds the belief “Others tend not to like me” or something similar. Thoughts like these are usually based on 1 or 2 bad experiences and are then generalized to all future experiences. Pay attention to your teen’s social habits and inquire about her reasoning.

3. Capability: One of the most used words by adults as well as teens are “I can’t. Others can but I can’t.” Usually there is an underlying fear of failure and what that failure really means. For many teens it feels safer not to try than to try and prove to self that “I knew I wasn’t good enough.” Clarify to your child that success often comes after many trial and errors. The learning lessons along the way are normal and important for growth.

4. Powerless: Another prevalent thought which circulates in society and which teens adopt as their own is “I can’t change it.” This type of thinking leads to giving up, feelings of hopelessness, dissatisfaction with life, anxiety, and depression. To challenge this thought, it’s important for parents to minimize modeling the victim mentality and take action more often. The more parents model to their kids that they can take action to change or repair a situation; the more likely teens will adopt this type of mentality.

5. Guilt: Guilt tends to be used if child has not done what was asked of her or if she made a major mistake. Repeated guilt-inducing parenting can lead child to feel she is bad and at fault for her inferiority. It can lead her to conclude “I deserve to feel bad for my inadequacy.” When a teen develops this guilt belief it can lead her to believe she deserves to feel bad about herself and deserves punishment. This affects her perceived self-worth and what she believes she deserves in life.

Now is the best time to empower yourself and your teens through positive parenting!

Best Wishes to Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Parents: Correct Your Teen’s Negative Thinking

2011-11-12T12:48:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

A habit of negative thinking is easy to come by. Let’s just consider the people around us, the television, the radio, and our community as a whole. Considering the new trend is to think and speak positively, it is clear that changing a negative mindset to a positive one is a lot trickier than most of us expected.

As adults we know how difficult it can be to change our habits. As such, it is important we encourage our kids and teens to develop the habit of positive thinking before they solidify a pessimistic view of life. Being negative has nothing to do with being realistic (“I just call it as I see it!”) it’s just one interpretation of the many possible ones. Being positive on the other hand injects a note of hope and expectancy. It’s a much healthier mindset.

In my practice, I love to work with and empower parents. While my one-on-one work with youth is creates immediate changes, it is my work with parents that helps the changes stick around long after I exit the scene. As such I direct much of my writing to parents, hoping to challenge them, inspire them, and guide them to think in different ways.

Here are common ways I suggest to parents to correct their teens’ negative thinking:

1. Challenge your teen’s negative thinking: Often times, you can challenge your teens negative thinking through logic alone. For example, if your teen holds the belief that new people tend not to like him ask him what he basis this conclusion on. Is it a preconceived expectation that tends to colour his view of reality? Is it based on some past experiences that lead him to believe every future experience will be the same? Future predictions, believing to be able to read others’ minds, all or nothing thinking, and catastrophizing are some of the major areas of faulty thinking.

2. Challenge your teen to step out of the comfort zone: Teens are willing to try new things if they are not worried about failing and of what that failure means. If the temporary failure is considered a part of the process and if it can be separated from what that means about him, perceived failure is no longer so threatening. Clarify this for your teen and challenge him to try something he otherwise wouldn’t.

3. A failure is not a failure: As a society we have conditioned ourselves to believe that anytime something does not work out as planned it is a failure instead of a ‘learning lesson.’ The word failure is defeating and has a note of finality in it where as a learning lessons sounds more positive and allows room for improvement. In my eyes failures only happen when people give up. Anytime your teen refers to ‘failures’ ask him to look deeper into the situation and ask him what he has learned and what he would do differently if he could do it again. Challenge him to try again if that is an option.

4. Watch yourself: Just as a kitten learns how to be a cat from his mom, kids learn how to be human, how to think, and how to behave from their parents. Yes, you must watch your thinking and speaking patterns (keep a journal to help you get a sense of your positivity/negativity patterns). Practice steps 1 to 3 in front of your teen. Just as a kitten follows mother cat’s example, your teen will follow yours.

Best Wishes to Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teen’s Low Self-esteem: How to Raise a Child with High Self-esteem

2011-11-06T11:24:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Parents’ words and behaviour have an enormous impact on child’s self-esteem (SE) and self-confidence (SC). Carefully chose your words and watch what your behaviour communicates to your child. Kids require a healthy SE in order to have high SC. Only when kids think positively of themselves can they accept their achievements for what they are.

So what can you do to start raising your child’s SE right away? It’s simple!

Here are a few ideas to get you started. Grab a pen and paper and think about how you typically relate to your child as you read each point. Draw a line down the middle of the paper. On one side write down the typical wording you use (call it typical column) and on the other write down better, more encouraging words you can use instead (call it positive column) when communicating with your child. Write them down and study them!!! This way you will be able to recall the right words when you need them (even when you are tired, running on a short fuse, or caught off guard).

1. Encouraging comments: Even if your child didn’t succeed, always provide encouraging comments first (e.g., “That was a really good try, I liked your initiative and novel approach.”). It can be difficult to provide positive feedback, however when she obviously didn’t put in the effort required but regular comments like “You could have done better,” “That wasn’t done that well” can and will lead to feelings of ‘nothing I do is ever good enough.’ This belief (and others like it) is conditioned once she continues to receive these types of feedback. Start off on a positive note and relate the good stuff first.

2. Connect the dots: Discuss the reasons for failure. If your child didn’t put enough effort into the activity in question, it is important she understands failure was due to lack of preparation or not enough practice. This is different from believing it is her personal inability to be awesome. As such, your child is more likely to conclude “If I practice hard enough, I will be able to succeed,” instead of “Doesn’t matter how hard I try, I don’t have the ability to learn.” Let her know that not doing well was due to a poor choice and choices can always be changed. Comments like “You’ve got some natural talent. With extra practice you’ll ‘ace it’ or “Some things really do require more effort to be done well, what can you do differently next time?” connect the dots for your kids. What is obvious to you may not be obvious to them.

3. Encourage independence: Independence produces feelings of mastery which increases SE. It is important, however to recognize when a task is too hard for your child. Not all activities are age appropriate. By providing a mix of independence and a helping hand you teach her to stretch her abilities but to also know when to get help. It also sends a message that it is OK to get help. Comments such as “Look how far you have gotten on your own. What did you learn? How did you ever think of that!?!? That is awesome! You know I have some ideas too. Can I share?” If your child asks to be left to it alone, let her continue on her own. Pushing unwanted help onto your child can lead her to conclude that you don’t have faith in her abilities. Over time this can translate into feelings of inferiority. Leaving your kids to complete a task means you trust them enough to work it out on their own. Let them know you have fresh ideas when they are ready for them.

4. False beliefs: False beliefs are highly responsible for low SE and SC. Watch your kid’s verbal and behavioural patterns (they are a clue to what is going on in the mind) and ask questions. Get to the bottom of things so you can understand your child’s insecurity. Let’s say you notice your child speak badly about herself when she receives a low grade, your conversation with her can go something like this: “Why do you speak so meanly to yourself when you get a low grade? What does this grade mean about you? Are grades the only way of measuring how smart you are (or good enough)? Is it fair that you are mean to yourself based on your performance on this test? Why is it so important that I am happy with your grade? Would I love you more if you got a better grade? What makes you think that? Did I ever imply by accident that I would love you less if your grades were lower? Tell me so I don’t make the mistake again.). The more you understand the root cause of the belief, the more you can help her.

5. Famous people and role models: Role models are always great inspiration. Having a role model (AKA hero) works even better when the person is from the same field as the child’s interests (e.g., musician, visual artist, scientist, etc.,). If your child gives up before giving things a fair chance or tends to avoid things she thinks she can’t do, provide examples of the struggles her hero went through and how she had to try many times before the hero achieved her goal (e.g., Thomas Edison tried 10 000 times before he got the electric lamp to work; Einstein was considered to have a learning disability (some even speculate autism) and was told he would never amount to much). The great thing about all these wonderful people is they all faced adversity but believed in themselves the entire way. This belief lead them to success.

Best Wishes to your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Causes of Low Self-esteem in Teens: Unintentional but Common Mistakes Parents Make

2011-11-06T03:49:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Parents have an incredible influence over their kids’ self-esteem (SE). While the best time to start building your kids SE is from day 1, it is never too late to start. Every day brings opportunities to nourish a child’s SE. Unfortunately, when parents don’t take these opportunities to show their child their worth (either because they do not recognize them or are not sure how to take advantage of such opportunities), kids will show signs of slow SE.

To be able to take opportunities each day requires conscious parenting. Conscious parenting means being in the moment and paying close attention to how your words and behaviour make your child feel. If you do not like his/her response consider how your words and behaviour may have affected your child. Every child has different sensitivity levels so it is difficult for any expert to give you an exact formula on how to treat your child. Experts can only provide suggestions and guidelines and it is up to you to adjust it so it fits into your family.

Here are some of the most common mistakes parents make that lowers SE in teens. Do feel free to adjust so it best suits your family!

1. Runs in the family: Typically (but not always), when parents have a healthy self-esteem, the kids do too. Likewise, when parents have low self-esteem, so do the kids. Why is this? Because SE influences language and behaviour (level of assertiveness, confidence, and sociability). Language and behaviour are visible evidence of the SE level and parents model that type of behaviour to their kids. Shy parents who avoid meeting new people and who have little to say in unfamiliar situations have children who observe their avoidant behaviour and will usually grow to imitate the parents.

2. Bad experience: Every once in a while a child will have a bad experience. Tripping and falling in a school performance, mind going completely blank during a test, making a serious social gaffe; any one of these situations can leave the child feeling bad about himself. During this time it is essential he receives unconditional support from parents. Bad experiences are a part of life; however, if parents are not up to date on what is going on in their child’s life they cannot provide the encouragement required so their child can gain a healthy perspective of the situation and maintain a good SE level.

3. SE isn’t nurtured: Although parents have the best intentions, they don’t always translate them into most effective words and behaviour. Reason being? Lack of knowledge. Part of building SE involves daily hugs and “I love you’s.” The frequency of either of these should not be based on performance or achievement. Rather they should be based on the child’s inherent worth as a human being. Regular hugs and “I love you’s” ought to continue into the late teen years. Your child may try to discourage hugs as he gets older (hugs tend to lose their ‘coolness’), but it is your parental right and duty to nurture your child with loving touches and words. Additionally, parents don’t always allow children to make age appropriate decisions. While it is true that you can do most things better, faster, and more accurately, doing things for your child ends up sending the message “you just can’t do it right.” Lastly, when problems arise, parents like to take over and have control of the outcome. Instead, encourage your child to solve the problem on his own as opposed to you taking charge. Remember, it is PRACTICE that gets things right, NOT age! And it is practice that builds SE and self-confidence.

4. Not involved in extracurricular activities: Being a part of teams and clubs builds SE. It shows your child he fits in socially, has great ideas to contribute, it gives him a feeling of achievement, a feeling of fulfillment, and allows him to make various friends. The trick of course is to sign your child up for activities he wants to participate in, not the ones you wish you participated in when you were his age.

5. Negative feedback: Parents often say ‘you could have tried harder and you could have done better.’ The intention of course is to let the child know that with more practice the result would have been better. And many times that statement is correct, had the child put in more effort he could have done better. What parents may not understand is that kids rarely hear what parents think they are saying. Over time the child will infer your words to mean “I am not good enough*.” Likewise, refusing to attend or threatening not to attend sports games until child improves skill leaves child feeling undeserving and stressed.

*Note: This is why parents with high SE don’t always raise kids with high SE. They unknowingly use the wording that leads kids to misinterpret parents’ meaning.

Best Wishes to Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Why Changes and New Habits Aren’t Working in Your Home: From A Parent’s Perspective

2011-11-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

Ivana PejakovicB.Sc., MA

This school year you said and you thought would be different. You set out proposed changes and had high hopes that homework would be done on time, there would be little arguments, grades would be up, and life would be great. A short time later, you’ve realized things have not gone according to plan.

Perhaps you thought about and implemented a plan of how the kids would start pulling their own weight around the home? You imagined the dishwasher would always be empty, the trash would disappear from the can, and the bathrooms would be sparkling clean (not to mention the dust-less furniture). Now you look back and think...things didn’t go according to plan.

What went wrong, you wonder? Is it just your household that is highly resistant to change or do other families go through a similar process? Is this normal?

Normal? That is debatable (depending on the expert you speak to)...but it is certainly common! During this process, try not to get discouraged because things aren’t getting better right away. Sometimes it can take up to a full year before there is a noticeable difference in behaviour. The kids (and you) need to adjust to a new schedule, change habitual behaviour, deal with stressful situations, and successfully overcome a bunch of disputes.

In fact, things often get worse before they get better as your teen may try to rebel against the new rules. And although things may never reach your ideal picture, change and improvement is possible! To make your journey easier, keep these tips in mind:

1. Bond/Attachment: Kids listen and respect those who they are emotionally attached to. The weaker your attachment is with your child, the less interest s/he will have in your attempt to improve the household situation. You need to strengthen your bond with your child before any effective changes will be made in the home.

2. Consistency: Although most parents know about the important of consistency, many have a hard time following up with this concept. The reason being? It requires a lot of attention and focus on the child to ensure regularity. With life being hectic, parents assume and feel they can hand over the responsibility to their children who ought to be reliable and sincere. If the rules are not their rules...think again! Also, try to be consistent in your behaviour (saying one thing and doing another will not work).

3. Giving up: When the going gets tough and kids challenge you, it’s easy to give up a little every day until you settle into old habits. Kids are smart and they have learned that if they challenge you long enough you will back off (they don’t know how or why it works, they just know it does). It is necessary for you to stay persistent (and consistent in your own words and behaviour) until the new behaviour becomes a habit for them. Eventually, they will repeat the new behaviour long enough for it to rub off in their daily life.

4. Lack of patience: Whenever making any major changes in the household (or in life), things will not transition perfectly. Some individuals will protest, some will not get it right, some will not seem interested in your new ‘self-improvement’ kick, others will just think it’s dumb to fix something that ain’t broke! During these times it is extremely important for you to hold on to your temper. Emotional explosions are not fun for anyone. Remember that it takes a while before habits are changed (21 day rule doesn’t always work). Sometimes it can take a full year, before you can look back and say...wow...things have sure improved. Stay patient.

5. I’m the parent! You listen to me: Right! When parenting, it is easy to assume the role of “I am the boss.” And while this is true, it is not a good approach to rub it into your child’s face (imagine if your boss said this to you...and if s/he has, how did you feel?). As most parents will agree, this approach tends to work more with little kids but less with teens. Teens demand more respect than little kids and are not afraid to say no and walk away.

6. Your plan: The problem is that it is YOUR plan...not your kids’ plan! Sit down to discuss the changes that need to be made in the home. Ask them for their opinion, ask them what new routine would make them happier, less stressed. Show them how these changes will benefit them....not just you! It could be that they do not see a problem. If there is no problem, then what is there to fix? Create a plan TOGETHER! Write down who volunteers for what. Let everyone know the chore difficulty must be age appropriate and distributed fairly. Make it the team’s plan not yours!

Best Wishes to Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teens: How to Get Your Child to Listen

2011-10-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Many parents today are bewildered and left scratching their heads trying to figure out how to get their teen to listen to them. With so much information and advice available, they are left confused as much of the stuff fails to work or works inconsistently.

One of the most difficult things to change is personal behaviour. It makes it even more difficult, if you are trying to change the behaviour of your uncooperative kids, more specifically, your children’s listening habits. As you may have already figured out, however, is that you can’t make your kids change if they don’t want to. No amount of pleading, forcing, or punishing will work. In fact the more you insist, the more they will revolt (if not right away...then eventually).

The question is, how can you make your child WANT to change his/her attitude towards listening to you? The answer is to examine the quality of the attachment between you and your child.

Healthy attachment is essential to a good relationship so they will WANT to listen to you (remember, you can’t make them!). Attachment means bond. What kind of bond do you have with your teen? One clue to the strength of your teen is attached to you, is by how willing s/he is to cooperate. When your child forms a healthy attachment to you, everything else will flow smoother.

Note that the attachment I am referring to is the emotional connection between the parent and child. This is different from your child being financially dependent on you (or depending on you for car rides)...it is an emotional attachment you want to create. If you create a strong emotional attachment with your child, you will see an increase in respect, listening, cooperation, and an overall positive change in his/her attitude.

How can you build your attachment with your child? Here are 5 tips you can incorporate into your daily parenting life.

1. Consistency: Most people think consistency means enforcing what you say each time child breaks rules. That is not what I mean in this case. Consistency means, to make sure YOUR daily actions match the worth ethic you preach to your kids. Your kids will be less inclined to build a loving relationship with you if you are exempted from the very rules they have to follow. If your behaviour is inconsistent with your words, you will be perceived as a hypocrite and your teen will go find friends who keep the same rules as them.

2. Communicate: Sit down with your teen and discuss what is on your mind. This includes making plans together, sharing successes, sharing good memories, fun past experiences, and jokes. Recently experts have been focusing on the importance of communication when things go wrong. Let’s not forget, however, how important communication is when things are going RIGHT. By communicating the good things, we are strengthening our relationship with our kids and keeping their focus on us.

3. Involvement: Decide to be at the table for a few minutes (15 minimum!) while your teen is discussing the day or doing work. Stop what you are doing and dedicate your entire focus on him/her. It’s more fun to talk when we know we are listened to. Eye contact, smiles, and open body language offer more than talking to your teen while you are rushing around the kitchen to finish a chore. Actively listen to what you are being told. Likewise, share what is on your agenda and discuss some of your thoughts and feelings. These simple gestures will show your teen s/he matters to you. When you share...s/he will share. This type of involvement in your child’s life will nudge them to listen to you and cooperate.

4. Quality time: Quality time is important and it is different from filling each other in on what happened during the day. This is the time you spend together and make the rest of the world disappear. If you decide to go to the movies, follow it up with hot chocolate so you still have that time to communicate and bond. Communication is the key to building attachment because it gives your child an opportunity to share information about him or herself. Opening up and sharing personal information strengthens your child’s emotional bond with you.

5. Loyalty: Your teen may often tell you you are never on his/her side. And although I am not encouraging you to side with them if they are in the wrong, at least let them have their say. Do not form an opinion until you have heard evidence from all sides and you can explain to your teen how you formed your belief. If s/he is really in the wrong, it is not the issue. Stay supportive and ask how you can help next time so s/he can make better formed decisions. By offering loyalty, s/he has a reason to stick by you next time.

Best Wishes to Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teens and Anxiety: Coping Skills

2011-10-26T07:36:00.000-07:00

Anxiety is on the rise, including in the teen population. While a very small number of people need to manage anxiety with medication, adjustments in a teen’s lifestyle and extra support at home can lead to great changes.

If your teen is currently using anxiety medication, it is important s/he also learns coping techniques that can minimize or eliminate the need for or dependence on prescription drugs. A healthier lifestyle will improve the overall quality of your teen’s life. Encourage your teen to make necessary adjustments.

Here are 9 tips to help your teen cope with or eliminate anxiety.

1. Relaxation methods: Yoga, nature walks (e.g. hiking), quiet time (without music, TV, or other electronic devices), and laughter are all example of methods that produce feelings of relaxation and reduce anxious feelings in the body. With a hectic life and access to many electronic gadgets, most kids have little quiet time and have minds that are constantly running. Try to schedule quiet time in the house for everyone. It can be at different times or at the same time for everyone.

2. The present moment: If you find your teen is constantly talking about the past or about the future, guide him/her to the present moment. The past cannot be changed and the future holds endless positive opportunities. Ask your teen about what is happening in life now and what can be done now to shape the future s/he wants. Teach your teen to let go of past events and to be an optimist regarding the future. Set a good example.

3. Find root cause of your child’s thoughts: If your child is expressing nervousness and fear, don’t sugar coat the feelings by saying everything will be fine. The feelings are based on thoughts and past experiences. Ask questions that will lead you to the root cause of his/ her fear. When you find it, eliminate it through logic, past examples, and optimism.

4. Practice positivity: Encourage your child to think positively. At the beginning of each week ask your teen to write one positive story. The story should include details of how things will turn out positively. When the story is completed, ask him/her to re-read it daily.

5. Journaling: Ask your teen to write down what makes him/her feel anxious and what makes him/her feel good (what thoughts associate with each situation). This will allow the two of you to pick up on patterns and get an idea of what the trigger points are. This can be done daily or 2-3 times per week.

6. Healthy lifestyle: Living a healthy lifestyle has the power to influence thoughts in a positive direction. Taking positive actions also provides evidence that life is changing for the better. Incorporate the following into daily life: regular exercise, nutritious diet, drinking plenty of water, enough sleep. Also, see if your teen can avoid the following items: caffeinated beverages, alcohol, cigarettes, & drugs. These items are stimulants and can enhance anxiety.

7. Social group: Who is your teen hanging out with? How is this group contributing to his/her anxiety? If you think changes are necessary, approach your teen from a neutral perspective and point out any issues. The key is to avoid lecturing but allowing your teen to feel s/he has some choice in the matter. S/he may not see your point immediately but you will be planting positive seeds in his/her mind.

8. Life purpose: Having a purpose in life often gives feelings of excitement and enthusiasm, and takes away feelings of stress and worry. Inspire your teen and teach him/her to set goals. When teen is focused on goals s/he is less likely to be bothered by inconsequential matters that can lead to anxiety.

9. Support network: Who can your teen speak to when stressed and anxious? Sometimes teens prefer parents and other times they prefer a neutral person. Don’t let it hurt you if they choose someone else. Sometimes it can be difficult to speak about embarrassing things to parents. The important thing to keep in mind is that s/he has the support necessary to deal with anxiety.

Best Wishes to Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teens: Causes of Anxiety

2011-10-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

Anxiety is a feeling of nervousness, unease, apprehension and worry. It is a physical and psychological state affecting how we think, feel, and behave. Feelings of anxiety are similar to feelings of fear. When we are afraid, however, we usually know what is making us feel the fear. With anxiety, we have a difficult time pointing out what is causing the anxious feelings; this often increases the level of anxiety.

In some circumstances, anxiety is a learned form of behaviour and in others it is a result of external influences. The list below is a directory of some reasons teens experience anxiety. In life, these reasons often overlap and parents, coaches, and therapists must consider more than one as a possibility.

1. Negative thoughts: Negative thoughts and negative self-talk is common. The severity of it varies. Teens who engage in higher volume of these destructive thought patterns are more likely to experience anxiety. Their thoughts about the past, present, and future are usually gloomy and carry little hope.

2. Lack of confidence: A lack of confidence in one’s ability to handle social situations, tests, and other challenges increases feelings of nervousness. As such, confidence is not only important for achieving goals and other objectives, but it is also important for mental health.

3. Situation interpretation: It is well known that two people can interpret the same situation differently. One child can find the same situation threatening and another full of opportunity (e.g., signing up for sleepover camp). The difference of course is due to the meaning the child adds to the situation: a meaning of friendship and skill building or meaning of judgement and inadequacy.

4. Blowing it up: Often time kids make a problem appear bigger and more complex than it is to an adult. As such, they make up stories in their minds of how things will turn out horribly. When kids/teens don’t have the necessary skills to deal with certain situations, those situations do appear highly threatening. Parents can teach kids the necessary skills to help them handle fearful situations.

5. Feeling of no control: Believing to be stuck in a situation in which a child has no control over what can or what will happen tends to increase feelings of anxiety. These types of situations include bullying, divorce, or being pushed into situations child does not want to be in (e.g., joining certain teams).

6. Home life: What is going on at home? When there is extra stress at home the most sensitive kids (the ones more vulnerable to anxiety) will feel it, while the less sensitive kids will experience only mild discomfort. As such, it can be difficult for parents to connect the dots on the cause of the child’s anxiety. When the home life is stable with minimal stress, kids will also find outside stressors easier to handle.

7. Lifestyle: Diet, exercise, water, and enough sleep are all important. They are not only important for our physical health but also for our mental health. Make a habit in your house to eat fresh fruits and vegetables, and discuss the benefits of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Kids’ lifestyle is often a reflection of a parent’s lifestyle.

8. Trauma: Some kids experience trauma in life and never receive any attention or help regarding this experience. Although it may appear like the child forgot the event, it could be that the brain buried it deep in the subconscious mind. Anything buried in the subconscious mind has a way of coming back up when triggered by right circumstances. This almost always leads to anxiety.

9. Poor coping skills: Inability to deal with stress and other life situations will lead to anxiety. Kids face challenges as often as adults. Unfortunately, adults will sometimes downplay the importance of kids’ stress and challenges; remember that kids have age appropriate challenges and these are as tough on them as your bills and responsibilities are on you. As such it is important they have the right tools to deal with stress and to face life difficulties.

Best Wishes to Your Family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Parenting Teens 101: Tips for Successful Parenting

2011-10-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

Is there a formula for perfect parenting? Not really. Is there one right way parents ought to raise their kids? Nope again!

Although there isn’t a widely approved method of parenting, there are steps parents can incorporate into everyday parenting practice to help their child grow with healthy self-esteem and confidence levels. These steps will also help teens develop good habits and a positive mindset. And the goal of course is to raise happy and successful kids.

Below are a few Do’s and Don’ts to help you create positive changes in your home. These tips may require a bit of extra effort (and patience) on your part until they become a habit for you. Once they become second nature, you’ll notice a happier household and a tighter-knit family that shows more respect for one another.

Don’t

1. Push: Don’t push your kids into being something they’re not. Pushing leads to disputes and rebellion. The more you push in one direction the more they pull in the other direction. End result? No one is happy.

2. Relive your childhood through your child: Parents have best intentions for their kids and want to see their kids be happy and successful. With this intention it is easy to nudge kids into pursuing the activities that would have made parents happy when they were that age. Guide your kids into activities that appeal to them.

3. Criticize: It’s so easy to criticize what could have been improved. It’s easy to overlook the scored goal and rehash why the second one was missed. It’s easy to neglect the things they did right and badger them about the things they did wrong. Although the aim is to guide kids to excellence, these types of criticisms often lead to low self-esteem, confidence, and feelings of inadequacy that can stay around for a life time.

4. Threaten: Parenting is not about threatening kids into obedience. Threats only lead to obedience when a parent is watching. Rationalizing, setting the rules together, and open communication are far more effective.

5. Be a doormat: To gain respect from teens, parents must be fair but authoritative. Don’t go back on your word when it comes to consequences. Neither empty threats nor strict control lead to respect.

6. Make excuses: Don’t make excuses of why it is acceptable for you to do the very things you tell teens not to do. Hypocrisy is not respected and is despised. Be the person you want your teen to be.

7. Be Judgemental: With an adult mind, it is difficult for parents to understand the reasoning of their child and why they made the choices at hand. Don’t consider these choices to be life mistakes. Consider them to be lessons learned and lessons needed for the next stage in life.

Do

1. Encourage: Frequently encourage your kids to be the best they can be. Speak to them with faith and teach them they’ll achieve everything with commitment and persistence. Your confidence will nourish theirs.

2. Inspire: Inspire kids with different activities so they can have many options to choose from when picking a direction in life. The more activities they are exposed to the more their imagination will be stimulated. The possibilities will be endless.

3. Praise first and suggest improvements later: Starting off on a positive note increases feelings of pride and adequacy. Show your pleasure first. After a few days follow up with suggested improvements on the weak spots. Let them bask in their glory first.

4. Listen and communicate: First listen and then communicate your ideas. Likewise, ask your teens to hear you out before they jump in. Communicate daily on the simple stuff to avoid confusion. An open door policy for all topics makes teen’s likely to ask for your opinion before they make their decisions.

5. Have patience: This is a tough one. With all other things that need to get done, teens have a way of testing parents’ patience. In any given day, if you choose to be patient with one thing only, choose to be patient with your kids. Your attitude will not be unappreciated or go unnoticed.

6. Offer choices: When parents offer choices, teens feel like they are less instructed on what to do and feel more freedom to make decisions on what will happen in their life. This step is a win-win. It allows parents to offer appropriate choices while giving teens control.

7. Express your love: Express it and show it every day. No one is ever too old to hear they are loved and cared for. All things grow in love and light. Make love and light your home atmosphere and watch everything grow in happiness and health.

Happy Parenting!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

How to Help Your Teen Deal With a Break Up

2011-10-10T06:44:00.000-07:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Romantic breaks ups are tough! They can be an emotional and psychological roller coaster. Moms know this because they have gone through them and now watch their daughters go through similar emotions and behaviours after a break up.

With changing bodies, adjusting hormones, a lack of identity, and competition for social popularity, break ups really do play a big role in a teenage girl’s life. But, moms also understand that time heals everything. And while the break up can seem like the end of the world for her daughter, with time her perspective will become clearer and she’ll realize the relationship wasn’t as great as she thoughts it was.

Getting hurt, however, is a part of dating. As teen girls develop a healthy identity and form a clear picture of what they want, they will date a number of partners. This is normal and healthy. The dating experience is important for personal development, growth, and developing a clear image of what girls are looking for from a lifelong partner.

While moms can’t prevent their daughters’ heartbreaks, they certainly can be a source of comfort. Moms’ presence and kind words go a long way to build her daughters’ self-esteem and confidence that everything will be OK. Moms’ wise words also teach daughters how to deal with disappointment and helps determine the image they form of themselves.

Moms, consider these tips if your daughter is going through a relationship break up:

1. Be supportive. Offer to listen without saying “I told you so.” Sometimes your daughter’s choice of romantic partner’s may not be ideal, but this is not the time to remind her. Be there to offer a hug, a kind word, and an encouraging outlook.

2. Discuss. Ask questions to get the full story. While it may be hard to hear some of the detail, remain non-judgmental and calm. The story may upset you and even break your own heart. Stay relaxed. Be sympathetic but positive.

3. Share a story. Go ahead and reveal some of your own heartbreaks. Tell her about a similar situation and how it made you feel. Tell her what you thought then and what you know now.

4. Distract. Go shopping with your daughter or do her favourite activity. A mother-daughter activity can be more comforting than the words you have to offer.

5. Let her experience grief. It sucks when someone says “oh another one will come along,” “cheer up, he isn’t worth it.” In this moment she is crying for reasons that make sense to her. Let her shed some tears. The emotional release is healthy. Telling her to be strong and not to cry may teach her to bottle up pain. Also, the more you advise her to stop feeling what she feels the less she will be open with you in the future. We like to share our feelings to people who can relate to us and allow us to go through the natural grieving process.

6. Reassure. Let her know she has a lot going for her. This break up is not a reflection of her unworthiness and it is not a reflection of failure. Letting her know she is valuable will keep her grounded and discourage her from running into a rebound relationship (which usually occurs to prove self-worth).

7. Encourage girl time. Encourage her to spend time with her friends. Keeping up with social activities will distract her, get her to realize life still has great things to offer, and give her a reason to smile again.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Thanksgiving, Tradition & Family

2011-10-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Thanksgiving is a powerful holiday and one of the few that reminds us of what is really important in life (without the expected exchange of gifts or other favours). It is a holiday for gratitude, a time to be thankful for everything we have been given and more.

Thanksgiving is an occasion for family members to remember and to show how much they value each other. It is a time to renew family relationships and a time to let go of grudges. Thanksgiving is an opportunity to slow down, a time to model family values, a time to build family connections, and a time to give one of our most scarce resources to others, time.

Whether you have a big family or a small one you’ll agree that without family, the holidays would not to be the same. It is the closeness you experience with those who share the day with you and the memories you have that make the day special.

Families and Traditions

Holidays like Thanksgiving are perfect for teaching kids about cultural traditions. Many parents hope their children will pick up on these historical practices and pass them along to their kids. As such, it is what makes holidays a good time to learn about traditional recipes, customs, and a bit of history and literature.

People who share tradition often have stronger bonds. Tradition provides us with a reason to get together, it gives us activities to perform, and it gets us into a festive mindset. Traditions are fulfilling because they provide us with feelings of belongingness, an increased feeling of connection to our loved ones, and they evoke feelings of happiness.

Most adults have happy memories of the traditions their parents upheld during youth. As such, they can now help the new generation build similar memories.

Maintain tradition

1. Consistency: Practice tradition every year so kids can remember them and look forward to them. Be consistent with traditional recipes, decorations, or whatever works for you.

2. It’s not an obligation: If kids don’t want to participate in the tradition, don’t push them. Sometimes teens think traditions are stiff and outdated and they can’t imagine why people still keep them up. You go ahead and stick to your traditions anyways. As they grow and mature they will be more willing to participate.

3. Fun: Traditions should be fun. Even if you’re just cooking or baking play happy traditional music in the background and sing along. When traditions are fun, kids will want to participate and it will not feel like it is an obligation.

4. Family: Involve the entire family. Traditions are more fun if more people are involved. This will give you the opportunity for the bonding time you are looking for. So turn off the TV, put the cell phones away, and leave the video games in another room. This is connection time.

5. Positive Attitude: Always keep a positive attitude. Accidents will happen, time will be tight, things may get messy, but a positive attitude will keep the kids coming back. Put on your patience cap, roll up your sleeves, and enjoy the time with your kids.
Have a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving Weekend!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Tips for a Happy Thanksgiving Day with Your Family

2011-10-02T12:11:00.000-07:00

Without a doubt Thanksgiving is a day that ought to be filled with hope, gratitude, and happiness. It is a time of togetherness and for appreciation of our family and friends. It is a day to be celebrated in joy and liveliness.

Although this day is great on its own, it is possible to enhance the day for your family. There are many things that can make your Thanksgiving holiday exceptional. Your kids watch and notice much of what you do. How you talk about your family, the attitude you have about this special day and life in general is all being recorded by your kids.

As such this article is intended for parents to examine how they are currently celebrating the day and to find tips that can enhance this experience with their family.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Begin with a thankful mindset: Start the day off with a happy and thankful attitude. You can ask all family members to write down one positive thing about each of the other family members they are grateful for. Decide to read these notes out loud when you are together at the dinner.

Cook together & eat together: Cooking and eating are important for human bonding. Sharing a meal with others is what makes the food even more enjoyable. This is an opportunity to share your daily experiences (the good and the bad) with those you love and those who love you the most. Thanksgiving Day, however, is a good time to share your gratitude with each other. When we share positive ideas with people we grow closer to them. Remember that food is more than just nutrition for the body and brain. It is nutrition for the mind and soul.

Celebrate the gift of life: Thanksgiving is the time to celebrate life, not only by saying “Thank You” but also by stepping out of the home to experience something fun (e.g., family sport game, hike, photography, picking wild flowers, appreciation of nature). Joy and happiness are the best vehicles to gratitude and a zest for life.

Build family connections: As adults, people recall many memories from their childhood years formed during family events. Many adults have great memories of “crazy Uncle George” or “eccentric Aunt Martha” which they speak about with their siblings and cousins. This is a good time to put aside any family disputes. Model good family relations to your children so they can grow up and value the relationships they have with their siblings and extended family.

Be thankful for your family: Much information exists on “How to survive the holidays with your family.” Nobody’s family is perfect and most of us have a family member that is difficult to get along with. Use Thanksgiving Day to remember all the positives about everyone and to recall all the positives they have done for you. Find a subtle way to tell everyone what you appreciate about this family member and watch his or her attitude change that night. This is a great opportunity to show your kids how family can connect.

Volunteer: Give some of your family’s time to a shelter or food bank. This is good for the kids and it is good for you. You will come home with a feeling of contribution, a greater gratitude for what you have, and with feelings of humility. This helps keep us all grounded, but it helps kids form a positive attitude about the life they were given, and it can show kids how their actions can make a difference in their community.

New and old tradition: Sometimes it’s just easier not to cook the traditional favourites or put up the decorations. But believe it or not, these little, seemingly unimportant traditions are what we crave and what we remember from our youth. Celebrate your yearly traditions and think about developing a new tradition that incorporates the uniqueness of your family! As a family unit, what is your strength and what are your interests (e.g., using arts and crafts, visually represent what each of you is thankful for)? Use your family’s uniqueness to establish a new yearly ritual.

Happy and Safe Thanksgiving to your family!

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Communication in Your Relationship

2011-09-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Communication is key to success in all relationships. From romantic relationships to professional relationships to parent-child relationships, it is important individuals learn to and are able to effectively communicate with each other.

Why is communication important? Good communication can and will increase the satisfaction of your life just as bad communication can and will reduce it. How so?

Well, we all have something to say and we all wish to relate our needs, desires, thoughts, and emotions to our romantic partners, co-workers, children, friends, and loved ones. Sharing our thoughts allows us to express our feelings, it relieves stress, and it is important for building a bond and strengthening the relationship. More importantly, if you communicate well you’re more likely to be well-liked and respected.

Communication is always important, but particularly important during time of conflicts and stress. It will prevent (or minimize) misunderstandings which can lead to unnecessary arguments. These are the times when our personal feelings and biases come into play and what we say is often reflected in our feelings, insecurities, and limiting beliefs. If you practice good communication skills, however, it will help you resolve conflicts at a faster rate.

Tips to Enhance Your Communication and Your Relationships

Listen: Listen to what you are being told. A person’s words are a good give away of what they want from you. Try not to add your own interpretation of their words. Repeat what they say in different words and see if your partner agrees with you.

Attention: When someone is trying to communicate with you, place your full attention on that person. Sometimes it’s tempting to split your attention between your partner and the television/ work/ other activity. It can even be tempting to just tune your partner out. This is hurtful and can cause your partner to feel insignificant to you.

Body language: A picture tells 1000 words. So does your body language. What is your body language saying? Through your body language you can convey annoyance, boredom, love, disinterest, etc. It is best when body language matches what you are trying to say.

Be direct & concise: Often times we speak in code (especially women) and just want our loved one to guess what we want. Sometimes we say one thing hoping s/he will know we mean another thing. Of course this leads to confusion, fights, frustration, and disappointment. Be honest and direct (get to the point) when communicating.

Think ahead: Most of us (if not all of us) can recall saying something only to regret it as its coming out of our mouths. Words can be wounding. When communicating with your partner stay in the present moment and think about how your words will affect your partner and impact your relationship. Remember, once you say it you can’t take it back.

Need to be right: While it’s great to be right, we are seldom right ALL the time. Many times your discussion has nothing to do with who is right and everything to do with understanding where each of you is coming from. If there is a right or wrong, it’s important both parties accept responsibility for their own mistakes. Do not make your argument about whose mistake is bigger, or different, or stupider, or worse. Concentrate on solving the issue at hand and not on who is more right.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

The Effects of and Solutions to Bullying

2011-09-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

According to research, 1 in 7 Canadian children between the ages of 11 and 16 have at one time been bullied (Journal of Pediatrics). Researchers at the University of Guelph found that 50% of local school children reported being bullied in the last month. Forty-five percent of these same children said they did not feel safe at school.

Bullying is a repeated form of harassment where the bully typically has more power than his or her target (e.g., physical power, social power). Bullying includes, physical forms of harassment (e.g. punching kicking), social harassment (e.g., excluding from social groups), emotional harassment (e.g., teasing, putdowns), and verbal harassment (e.g., name calling). A newer type of bullying is cyber-bullying where victims are targeted online, by cell phones, and other technological devices.

Physical and Psychological Effects

Long-term bullying has negative effects on all parties involved. Targets of bullying are more likely to experience feelings of loneliness, isolation and a concern for their physical safety. Targets of repeated bullying also experience increased levels of depression, anxiety, and stress and reduced self-esteem. Due to this they are more likely to experience symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, loss of appetite, troubles sleeping, bad dreams, sadness, and moodiness.

Studies have also shown that long-term bullying negatively affects bullies and the effects can worsen over the life cycle. Their antisocial behaviour often interferes with learning, creating genuine friends, work, building intimate relationships, and their mental health. Bullies can turn into antisocial adults and are more likely to engage in crime and become emotionally and physically abusing husbands and parents.

Solutions to End Bullying

Evidence suggests that bullying is more likely to occur when parents, teachers, or other authority figures are absent from the scene. Thus, adding more authority figures (even video cameras) could help solve immediate problems of bullying (at least for the traditional face-to-face bullying).

Considering the negative effects of bullying on both targets and bullies, however what can be done to eliminate (or at least minimize) bullying from our society so we may bring up well functioning children and create adults with a healthy well-being.

Here are a few tips:

1. Educational programs at school (raising awareness): Educational programs are effective and continue to raise awareness regarding what consists of bullying and how to deal with it. They also teach youth about respect and how bullying hurts.

2. Model positive behaviour for solving conflicts: Teaching kids how to behave and how to solve social conflicts starts at home. Parents are extremely influential and have the power to teach children the importance of solving disputes in a way where no one is hurt.

3. Speak about bullying at home: Parents can share values about respect and kindness for others. This is a chance for parents to promote positive life and human interaction skills. Also, parents can share some personal stories of bullying or situations they have witnessed as kids. They can share how everyone’s life has turned out and how bullying affected all parties involved (including bystanders).

4. Provide love and support to kids at home: Kids who receive love and support from parents tend to treat others positively. These kids are more likely to have higher self-esteem and advanced social skills. They also model their parents’ behaviour and treat their peers thoughtfully.

5. Understand the bully: Find out the underlying cause of why the bully is bullying and work with bully to overcome the issue. Sometimes educational programs are not enough and individual intervention is needed in order to have the bully become aware of his/her thoughts, emotions, and behaviour. Compassion is very powerful.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

6 Steps to Building Trust in Your Parent-Child Relationship

2011-09-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

A lack of trust in a parent-child relationship is manifested through various behaviours. Whether it is stealing money, sneaking out at night, punching holes through walls, or not keeping promises, it is all a sign the level of trust in your relationship with your child can be improved.

Trust, of course, is a 2-way road and it’s difficult for one person to trust another if the other person is not behaviourally or verbally reliable. While your teen may trust that you will provide food, a home, and clothes the story does not end there. Teens also need to trust that mom and dad will be there and react compassionately when they make a mistake, they need mom and dad to spend quality time with them and not pass them over for work or other responsibilities, they need mom and dad to ask about what is going on in life and be genuinely interested, they need mom and dad to keep their word, they need to have family dinners together regularly where positive talk takes place and good stories are exchanged, they need mom and dad to provide a safe home without constant hostility or arguments, and they need mom and dad to discipline behaviour that is out of hand. All these things demonstrate care and as a result build trust.

Many times, when teens do not get adequate attention from one or both parents, they misinterpret the behaviour as a lack of care. In order to regain some of that attention they will then engage in questionable behaviour that often elicits a response from mom or dad (or both). After all, any kind of attention can be better than no attention.

Tips to Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Teen

Having a trust is important; it is the major building block to any relationship. It solidifies the attachment between you and your child and it promotes compliance and reduces rebellion.

Recognizing this, here are simple tips to help improve the trust between you and your teen.

1. Make the initial move: When re-building trust, it is usually the job of the parent to make the first move. Some parents wait for teens to make the first move, thinking their teens have to show they are interested in change. As a parent you need to set the example first. When unsure of how to deal with the situation, teens may behave in a way that will worsen the situation.

2. Open lines of communication: Communication is an important step to many things and this includes building trust. It is difficult to enhance your trust if you are not communicating your perspectives and what is going on in each other’s lives.

3. Keep your promises: Many times both parents and teens will make promises and then cancel due to lack of time, misbehaviour, other more appealing social activities, etc. This is the easiest way to reduce trust in each other. Just as teens need to keep their promises to their parents, parents need to keep their promises to their teens.

4. Respect: Treating each other and speaking to each other (and about each other) with respect is important to building trust. It is difficult to develop a trusting relationship if you’re spoken to disrespectfully or if you overhear your parent (or your child) badmouthing you.

5. Patience: Building a trusting relationship happens over time. It is easy for wrong action to cancel out the last 7 good actions. At times you may feel like your relationship is progressing and at other times you may feel it is disintegrating. During these times, it is important you keep your positive and hopeful mentality and continue with your plan of building a trusting relationship. Your effort overtime will bring good results.

6. Consistency: For a trusting relationship to develop there must be consistency (or reliability) in the relationship. The more often each of you demonstrates that you can be trusted, the more likely you will be trusted. Consistency strengthens every relationship.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Everyday Tips to Strengthen Your Parent-Child Bond

2011-08-29T12:38:00.001-07:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

A parent-child bond is perhaps one of most precious things in life. While a part of it is a natural phenomenon (work of biology), this bond also needs to be built, nourished, and maintained.

A child’s development, happiness, and his/her ability to form healthy relationships as an adult are dependent on the bond with mom and dad. Moms typically play the role of the nurturer and caregiver and dads are the authoritarians/ disciplinarians and play buddies at home. Because moms and dads play such a different role it is important that each parent is continually involved in the child’s life.

Everyday busyness and everyday situations often get in the way of nurturing and maintaining a strong parent-child bond. Parents find themselves busy working to provide the basic necessities of life and luxuries for their kids and they find themselves swamped with other responsibilities making it difficult to spend regular family time together.

Of course, if parents are divorced, it makes it a little harder for the parent with limited custody to spend the quality time with the child. If parents are divorced, separated, or not with the parent of the child, it is highly encouraged to speak to the child daily on the phone and let him/her share his life with you day by day.

Just like with anything else you wish to change or improve in your life, building your parent-child relationship must be something you want and something you are willing to make time for. The rewards will be enormous for your child and for you.

It is simple to nurture your parent-child bond with these everyday exercises:

1. Spend time together: Schedule some 1-on-1 time with each of your children. Mix it up. Sometimes you can stay at home and at other times you can plan an activity together. Make the time a regular part of your week (e.g. every Monday night 7PM to 8PM). When scheduled, both parties know to make themselves available in the evening. Most important, scheduled meetings are harder to brush off. This will show your child that s/he is important and can count on you being there.

2. Remember the good moments: Reminisce on the fun times you’ve spent together. Remember that moment at the cottage, remember the fun roller coaster ride, and remember the goofy times. These are the moments that will help strengthen your bond.

3. Communicate: Have an open door policy and an open line of communication. While this is easy to do when things are well, it also needs to occur during times of distress. This means no judging, no yelling, or storming off. Open communication also means speaking about those things you may normally avoid speaking to your child about (e.g., drinking, drugs, and sex and other age-appropriate topics).

4. Family values, traditions, and words of wisdom: Be sure to share your traditions and values with your kids and similar experiences you went through as a child. Family traditions and values will give your kids a sense of identity, a sense of belonging, and good memories with happy feelings.

5. Respect: Respect must go both ways. Respect sometimes gets lost when a parent and child have different viewpoints and neither can see the other’s perspective. With stubbornness and an inability to effectively communicate, disrespect enters the picture leading to a gap in your relationship with your child.

6. Appreciate: Tell your kids how much you appreciate them. Parents often find times to let their kids know about their mistakes. Make an effort to let them know about the good stuff too. It takes about 7 compliments to make up for a single criticism.

7. Family meals: Regular family meals (this includes preparation and clean up time) go a long way to build a bond. [According to research, the more often a family shares meals together, the less likelihood of criminal activity, low self-esteem, and body image issues]. Family meals is a good time to communicate, discuss every day things, inquire about your kids lives and just show you care.

8. I love you: Hearing “I love you” during the good days and the bad days keeps your child knowing s/he is lovable unconditionally. This can be as simple as poking your head in through your child’s bedroom door every night to say “Thanks for being mine. I love you.”

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Applying to College or University: Checklist

2011-08-15T17:46:00.000-07:00

Picking a university can be a stressful event for the applicant and the family. Much of the stress and fear can be reduced, however, if you prepare and gather timely and accurate information. Here are some considerations to keep in mind to help your application process go a little smoother.

1. University or College: Where do you really want to go, university or college? What is your intuition telling you? Is there parental pressure to attend one over the other? Consider your goals and learning style. What do you hope to gain from post-secondary institution? Be honest with yourself, otherwise you may find yourself wasting time money and losing a bit of your confidence and self-esteem.

2. Research potential institutions: Do some research on the school’s geographical location, campus, programs offered. International or outside of province students may need to fill out additional paperwork. Get familiar with each of the institutions you are seriously considering.

3. Research the offered programs: Not all schools offer the same programs. If you know you want to go into sciences, research which schools offer strong programs in that area. This is finally your time to choose your area of study. Make an informed decision.

4. Find out admission requirements: Some school may have different admission requirements. Before you apply and set your heart on a particular school be sure you meet admission requirements otherwise you may be wasting your time, money, and letting yourself unnecessarily down.

5. Research tuition fees and loan options: If money is an important factor to you, research the tuition fees at each school. Be sure to do research on where you can get a loan. In Ontario, Ontario Student Assistant Program (OSAP), is a popular choice because there are no interest fees until the student graduates from the postsecondary institution. Inquire if your province or state offers a similar service.

6. Further guidance: Talk to your school counsellor or better yet go speak to someone at the admissions office at the potential school for more info (if it is within your driving range...if not, than call them up). No one can offer better info than the people who work there.

7. Speak to your family: Share your fears, concerns, and excitement with your family. They would love for you to communicate with them and let them know what is going on in your mind. Support is an important part of decision making.

8. Be proactive: Do not procrastinate with the application process—don’t leave anything to the last minute. Attend all post-secondary information presentations. Be aware of deadlines. Talk to people who are currently at university. Take their advice into consideration but don’t let it sway your opinion.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Tips to Succeed at University and College

2011-08-07T08:05:00.000-07:00

As students prepare to enter university, many are unsure of what to expect. For some students this is a scary transition while others are excited and ready for the change.

University is a great time to develop and improve academic, social, and life skills. This is students’ opportunity to meet new friends, network with future business partners, learn how to be organized and how to manage their time, and learn the significance of responsibility and the power of self-discipline.

Here are a few tips to help students in their transition from high school to post-secondary education.

Responsibility: For many students, university is a good opportunity to learn the significance of responsibility. Understanding responsibility means understanding that every outcome in your life is a result of your actions or lack of action. This means that if you are looking for specific outcomes, it us your responsibility to keep your actions in line with your goals. This means that if things don’t go right, you are not a victim of circumstance (e.g., wrong university, unreasonable professors, and too many social activities) but a victim of your poor decisions. Likewise, all great outcomes are a result of your right decisions and your right action.

Self-empowering beliefs: Do you believe you are capable of taking care of yourself and making the right decisions on your own? What you believe about yourself will have an impact on how things turn out. You can succeed, but it is a matter of believing in yourself and following up with what needs to be done. University is an experience to be approached with enthusiasm and a positive outlook. Clean up any beliefs that make you doubt your abilities.

Time Management and Organization: As you approach the beginning of your first year of university, it is a great time to brush up on your organizational and time management skills. The workload gets heavier and life can get more complicated with assignments, labs, readings, social events, family, etc. How organized you are and how well you manage or plan your time will influence how well you perform. It is important to have all assignments, readings, and events scheduled. Even more important is to stick to the schedule you have made for yourself as closely as possible.

Self-discipline: Many students are moving out on their own for the first time. The sudden freedom from parents can be exciting and liberating. Unfortunately, this may leave some students struggling with certain areas such as academic performance or organization. It is up to you to create the type of life you want while at university. As much as freedom is fun, it also comes with responsibility and responsibility can be achieved through self-discipline. Remember that only your behaviour produces your outcomes so make choices that are in line with your goals.

Motivation: Always keep your eyes focused on the big picture. There will be times when things get tough, you’ll get tired, and you’ll be confused wondering if you are on the right path. If you concentrate on your long-term goals, it will make it easier to get through the tough times. A social support group can also help you stick to what matters. Be part of a group that has similar values as you with similar ambition. In the meantime, keep yourself interested by creating new academic and social challenges and always celebrate your successes.

Balance your life: University is a great time to learn how to live a balanced life. It offers various social, sports, cultural, and academic clubs and organizations. Here you can learn how much time you want to dedicate to various activities, yet still giving yourself a little of every experience. While it is impossible to be perfectly balanced in all areas (some things require more time and effort), it is important to expose yourself to a little of everything. A balanced life will give you inspiration and even increase your motivation to stay on track.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teen Leadership Qualities - 5 Qualities Of A Leader

2011-07-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

My belief is that we are all born to be leaders. Some people are born to be leaders of great big companies, some are born to be leaders of important civil movements, some are born to be leaders for environmental protection, and so.

Because there are a variety of opportunities for leadership, it is impossible to list the ‘top 5’ leadership qualities, however, many professionals will agree the qualities listed below are important for any leader to possess.

Here are 5 qualities teens can practice to enhance their leadership ability during their teen years and to strengthen the skill as they approach adulthood.

1. Proactive: A leader must take action and taking action is a habit. It is good to encourage teens to take action on matters that are important to them. It is also good to teach them that their actions can and do make a difference in the world.

2. Positive thinker: A positive attitude is extremely important. This too is a habit and optimists are always more fun to follow than pessimists. Take a look at the type of attitude at home and see how your teen is affected by it. Turn your home into a positive environment so you can promote a positive attitude to your teen.

3. Have a vision: Part of being a leader means having a vision. The vision is a place where the leader wants to go and to lead those that share his dream. Encourage your teen to be a part of the community and be involved with current issues. This will lead to inspiration for a vision and this vision will guide your teen’s purpose and actions.

4. Motivate others to see the big picture: To be a leader, one must be able to motivate those around him/her to see the vision that s/he sees. The better the person’s ability to communicate ideas to a team, the better his/her vision will sound to them. Create opportunities for your teen to learn how to thoroughly describe the big picture in his/her mind.

5. Team worker: A successful leader arrives at the finish line together with his/her team and gives credit to all team members. This increases the team’s respect for their leader. Encourage your teen to share credit and other things with siblings, friends, and acquaintances when appropriate. After all, it is always more fun to celebrate success with a group of people than it is to celebrate alone.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teens: Surviving Summer Boredom

2011-07-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

It’s half way through summer and chances are your teen has already said “I’m bored” or used a similar enough phrase. Although many teens look forward to summer time so they can do nothing, the nothing only feels good for a week or so and then gets boring.

In early childhood, parents typically figure out their kid’s summer activities and spend much of their own time entertaining them. As kids enter the teen years and approach adulthood, I like to encourage parents to promote independence in the family. It is their turn to start picking and planning their own activities (with parental support, of course).

This process gives them the opportunity to explore their likes and dislikes, build their research skills, and it gives them a feeling of responsibility and empowerment. More importantly, it will give them a greater sense of appreciation for what they are involved in.

Here are some possible opportunities for teens:

1. Camp with leadership: Many camps offer wonderful programs to help teens meet new people, make friends, and build their social and leadership skills. These skills are essential and are transferrable to all areas of life. Consider a program where you can build upon your existing skills.

2. Life coaching program with personal development: Life coaching programs offer personalized services helping teens to identify weaknesses and self-limiting beliefs that can keep them from creating a good life for themselves. Coaching typically assigns ‘homework’ where teens use their time to learn how their thoughts and beliefs affect their behaviour. Connecting these dots is usually the first step to taking responsibility and accountability for one’s actions.

3. Family time: If possible, every summer should consist of some family time. Family time reinforces the family bond which is important for every family member. Family activities can range from vacation to single day outings, to regular dinners together.

4. Explore the creative side: Creativity is not necessarily about music and art. Creativity is really a process where anyone can create something new. The new creation can be anything, including writing a book or a song, creating a new product or service, creating new recipes, or anything that is fun. Creativity typically encourages one to look deep inside oneself for inspiration.

5. Chores: Are there any outstanding chores that need to be done (e.g., cleaning out the closet and donating items to charities)? The summer is a great time to continue strengthening the responsibility muscle. After all, summer is not a vacation from responsibility; it is a vacation from the school routine.

6. Volunteering: Does your teen support a particular charity? Encourage him/her to belong to a group that makes an important difference in the community. The great thing about this is your teen will feel s/he is a part of this important difference. And s/he really is!

7. Job: Is your teen old enough to add employment to his or her summer agenda? Not only will this produce an income but it will promote independence. The teen may choose to work for an employer or to become a young entrepreneur. What matters is that the choice of employment is a close match to personal interest.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Helping Teens Eliminate Self-limiting Beliefs

2011-07-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

Many times we don’t achieve the things we want to. The reason? Our negative beliefs about ourselves and our abilities hold us back. These beliefs include undervaluing our worth as a person, rejecting our birth right to be successful, and carrying false beliefs regarding our capabilities.

Our self-limiting beliefs usually originate in our childhood and adolescence and by the time we are adults, the limiting beliefs become facts. The best solution to prevent your teen from developing false beliefs is to stop it before it starts!

Follow these great tips to help your teen build self-empowering beliefs.

Teach your Teen to Believe...

You can: Let your entire household practice this belief. Even when the going gets tough encourage everyone to say “I can.” First thing most people say when asked if they can complete something challenging is “Oh, I can’t do that.” They say this before they have the time to think of what would need to be done in order to succeed. It is a habit that hurts everyone’s chance of success.

You are good enough: Let your teen know s/he is good enough as is. There is no need to improve his/her worth in order to deserve something better. Teach your teen that believing in his/her self-worth must come before other good things can follow.

You are destined to succeed: Many people start off important goals hoping they won’t fail or hoping they’ll meet minimal requirements. Teach your teen to focus his/her attention on getting exactly what s/he wants and not to settle for less.

People like you: Most teens (and adults) think others do not like them or will not accept them. This holds them back from trying new activities, participating in new experiences, and living life the way it was meant to be lived. Openly question your teens’ concerns and teach them to withhold judgement.

You are fine the way you are: Most teens (and adults) believe they need to change their inherent personal flaws before things will start to go right. Encourage your teen to believe s/he is fine the way s/he is and if the right actions are taken, life will go in the desired direction.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Unable to Make a Decision? Improve Your Decision-making Skills

2011-06-18T02:21:00.000-07:00

Making decisions can be one of the most painful things you have to do. Not all decisions are the same of course and some decisions are easier than others. There may be those few decisions however, the just keep you sitting on the fence and most importantly keep you feeling stressed and crazy. They stop you from moving forward!

Decision making is important for a flourishing life. It improves the quality of your life and it is important for your physical and mental health. The longer you put off making a decision, the longer it festers in your mind and body. The less peace of mind you have. The less you enjoy life. The less you’ll want to deal with it. The more you’ll feel like a victim.

You may catch yourself thinking you would have no problem making this decision if you could only predict the outcome of your choices. Ha! That would be too easy! The crux of the matter is that you can’t always predict which choice is best. That's just life! It doesn’t mean, however, that you should keep sitting on that fence until you can predict something. The longer you sit there the more physically uncomfortable you’ll be and the more likely you’ll miss an opportunity you would have otherwise enjoyed.

So, what to do?

Things to think about:

1.If you’re undecided, become aware of what your indecision is doing to your mind and body. Do you want to continue living like this?

2.Figure out your choices. There is always more than one choice available. Does one feel better than another?

3.Do some research. Just because it is impossible to predict an outcome doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make an informed decision. Find out as much as you can from objective and subjective sources.

4.What would make you happy? It always comes down to your happiness. This means making the right choice for you, not choosing based on what the important people in your life think you should do. When you’re undecided about what to do in your life, all of a sudden it feels like others are experts and their advice starts to sound very wise. Remember, you are the expert of you!

5.Make a decision no matter what. The longer you sit on the fence the less happier, more grouchy and uncomfortable you’ll be. Even choosing imperfectly will give you relief. It will give you the opportunity to fix the mistake if you did not choose right the first time around.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

How to Help Your Teen Overcome Self Image Issues

2011-06-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

Your self-image is your mental picture of who you are and who you are not, what you can and can’t do, what you should and shouldn’t do, how you should and shouldn’t behave, how you should and shouldn’t dress, etc. We all have a self-image and if we are not aware of how we think about or see ourselves it can hold us back from being as happy or productive as we would like to be.

Youth particularly start noticing their self-image in early adolescence and it becomes very important to them. Developing their self-image is often based on external influences including, friends, fashion, trends, etc. They use these outer points of reference to discern how they should look, feel, and act, and the attitude with which they should approach life. Because teens just want to fit in they will often feel self-conscious about who they are if they perceive their real self is deviating from the norm.

It is important to encourage teens and young adults, to ‘be yourself’ and to feel comfortable with the self. Everyone, including teens, are often under the impression that there is one correct way of being. This correct way of being is a reason why nobody feels they fit in and a reason everybody feels bad about themselves. To help our teens out of this trap, we need to teach them to celebrate their individuality and to be proud of who they are.

Here are some tips to help your child overcome self-image issues.

1. Appreciate who you are: We are all different with unique talents and gifts. It can do our self-image wonders if we just accept ourselves as we are. Parents can model to their children to appreciate and accept themselves so that children see an example of self-appreciation. It’s a ‘lead by example’ point. “Do as I say, not as I do” rarely works.

2. What are your strengths: Focus on strengths. We all have weaknesses but life is not about identifying with those. By focusing on and using strengths in daily activities, teens will use these experiences as a measure of who they are.

3. Value system: A value system is a behavioural guide. Being cognizant of this system helps teens make better choices. Discuss with your teen your family value system and ask him/her which personal values s/he has that can be added to the list. This gives your teen a sense of connectedness as well as a sense of individuality. Both are necessary for a positive self-image. Note. Don’t pick this personal value for your teen and praise the one s/he picks.

4. Dealing with failure: There really is no such thing as failure unless one gives up. One who does not give up is considered a committed and determined person. Teach your teen to see temporary setbacks as learning experiences but not something to be identified with. Teach him/her to choose to stick to it until it is accomplished. We are not what we do, we are how we choose to be.

5. Be the person that makes you happy. Promote to your teen to be the person that makes him naturally happy and free. When we try to be the person others want us to be we are often afraid of being exposed as a fraud. Feeling like a fraud and believing oneself to be a fraud will not nurture a healthy self-image.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Like Mother, Like Daughter: Teaching Your Daughter to Accept Her Body

2011-05-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

A girl’s belief about her body is influenced by many factors, including media, peers, fashion trends, impression management, and so on.

The media has been known to target young females. Insecure girls are more likely to try to attain the ideal body or obtain beauty products and clothes to help them achieve the desired body shape. According to the Canadian Women’s Health Network, even girls as young as 5 or 6 years old are attempting to control their weight.

Overall, media messages about thinness and ideal beauty tell girls they are continually in need of changing their appearance and perfecting their body. It is clear that intervention is necessary.

What Can Mom’s Do?

There is much research to suggest that mothers have strong influence over their daughters’ beliefs about their bodies. More importantly moms can act as a buffer when giving support and encouragement to her girls.

While it is impossible to shield girls from the media messages, peer influence and other external pressures, moms have complete control over what is discussed in the home, her attitude towards her own body, and what magazines and TV shows are considered appropriate.

It is important to understand that daughters are fully aware of what moms say, do, and believe. When it comes to body image and body dissatisfaction, a daughter will often criticize herself in a similar way to how her mother criticizes her own body. Mom’s continuous concern regarding her body shape can and will teach her daughter it is a valid concern. In addition, if mom focuses on a certain personal ‘flaw’, she tends to comment on the same physical flaw in her daughter.

The most important thing a mom can do to teach her daughter to accept herself as is, is to start accept herself. Mom's insecurities are often be copied by her daughter and accepted as a way of life. As such, it is up to moms to choose what example they wish to set for their daughters.

Here are a few tips to help your daughter overcome negative thoughts about her body.

1. If daughters copy the bad habits, it means they will also copy the good ones. Practice being a confident woman who respect's herself. This way you teach your daughter to focus on her strenghts.

2. Teach your daughter to be media literate. Teach her to question what she sees and hears on TV and what she reads in magazines.

3. Teach your daughter to appreciate physical health.

4. Teach your daughter she is worth more than just her appearance.

5. Do not criticize your body in front of your daughter. Provide her with a good example by appreciating your body.

6. Speak positively about food, fitness, and the natural body shape.

7. Be size positive. Let you daughter know that people naturally come in all sizes and body builds.

8. Practice self-care. Teach your daughter to practice self-care every day. This can be through personal time, listening to music, hygiene practices, or doing some stretches. Whatever promotes her psychological and physical well-being.

9. Encourage your daughter to be active and to enjoy what her body can do.

10. Praise your daughter’s accomplishments and personal values.

11. Discuss family values.

12. Share at least 1 family meal a day. Studies show that children who are a part of family meals are less likely to develop an eating disorder.

13. Initiate communication with your daughter frequently. Let her know you are her support.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Body Image Issues in Early Teen Girls: Effects of Media

2011-05-26T11:11:00.000-07:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Exposure to underweight models can have serious consequences to teen girls’ psychological and physical health. Research has shown that thin-ideal internalization is related to lower self-esteem, unhealthy dieting behaviours, and eating disorder behaviours (Harrison, 2001; Johnson & Wardle, 2005; Tiggemann, 2005).

Thin-ideal internalization refers to the extent to which an individual accepts or absorbs socially defined ideals of attractiveness and engages in behaviours to achieve this look. Research has shown that thin-ideal internalization increases body dissatisfaction, dieting, and negative affect (Keery, Boutelle, van den Berg, Thompson, 2005).

Body Dissatisfaction and Media

Body dissatisfaction, although common among females of all ages, is “especially prevalent during adolescence when body image is the most important component of adolescent girls’ self-esteem” (Hargreaves & Tiggemann, 2004, p. 351). Alarmingly, studies have found that even girls as young as 9 years old have considerable dissatisfaction with their bodies (Hill, Draper, & Stack, 1994).

Investigation of possible causes or contributors to body dissatisfaction in young girls has consistently pointed the finger at exposure to the unrealistically thin female body images in the media (Botta, 1999; Champion & Furnham, 1999; Stice, Spangler, & Agras, 2001).

Correlational studies have shown that young females who watch more television and who read more magazines report higher dissatisfaction with their bodies (Anderson, Huston, Schmitt, Linebarger, & Wright, 2001; Harrison, 2000). Experimental studies have shown that exposure to unrealistically thin and idealized female body images leads to increased state body dissatisfaction for adolescent girls (Durkin & Paxton, 2002; Hargreaves & Tiggemann, 2002).

Media Literacy

Considering the effects of media on teenage girls’ psychological well being, it is vital parents take steps to educate teens on media literacy. Media literate teens are able to analyze visual and audio messages received from TV, magazines, the Web, etc., and are able to critically think about them before they accept what they are exposed to as the truth. With an instinct to question the motives of the producers, teens can be less susceptible to the messages they receive.

Ivana Pejakovic , Life Coach in Toronto

References
Anderson, D. R., Huston, A. C., Schmitt, K. L., Linebarger, D. L., & Wright, J. C. (2001). Early childhood television viewing and adolescent behaviour: the recontact study. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 66, vii-147.

Botta, R. A. (1999). Television images and adolescent girls’ body image disturbance. Journal of Communication, 49, 22-41.

Champion, H. & Furnham, A. (1999). The effect of the media on body satisfaction in adolescent girls. European Eating Disorders Review, 7, 213-228.

Durkin, S. J., & Paxton, S. J. (2002). Predictors of vulnerability to reduced body image satisfaction and psychological wellbeing in response to exposure to idealized female body images in adolescent girls. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 53, 995-1005.

Hargreaves, D. A., & Tiggemann, M. (2004). Idealized media images and adolescent body image: “comparing” boys and girls. Body Image, 1, 351-361.

Hargreaves, D. A., & Tiggemann, M. (2002). The effect of television commercials on mood and body dissatisfaction: the role of appearance-schema activation. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 21, 287-308.

Harrison, K. (2001). Ourselves, our bodies: thin ideal media, self-discrepancies, and eating disorder symptomatology in adolescents. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 20, 289-323.

Harrison, K. (2000). The body electric: thin ideal media and eating disorders in adolescents. Journal of Communication, 50, 119-143.

Hill, A., Draper, E., & Stack, J. (1994). A weight on children’s minds: body shape dissatisfaction at 9-yers old. International Journal of Obesity, 18, 183-196.

Johnson, F., & Wardle, J. (2005). Dietary restraint, body dissatisfaction, and psychological distress: a prospective analysis. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 114, 119-125.

Keery, H., Boutelle, K., van den Berg, P., & Thompson, J. K. (2005). The impact of appearance-related teasing by family members. Journal of Adolescent Health, 37, 120-127.

Tiggemann, M. (2005). Body dissatisfaction and adolescent self-esteem: prospective findings. Body Image, 2, 129-135.

Stice, E., Spangler, D., & Agras, W. S. (2001). Exposure to media-portrayed thin ideal images adversely affects vulnerable girls: a longitudinal experiment. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 20, 270-288.

Teenage Goal Setting - Preparing For Your Future

2011-05-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

You may have heard by now that goal setting is very powerful. The types of goals you set or don’t set for yourself will determine the type of life you live.

Those who choose not to set goals, often find themselves wondering through life or latching on to other people’s goals. These individuals find themselves without a purpose and very dissatisfied with their life circumstances.

To prepare for the future you need to learn the following lessons that goal setting has to offer. First, you demonstrate to yourself that you are capable of achieving whatever you set your mind to. Second, you learn to believe in yourself. Third, you learn that everything doesn’t always work out the first time; however, with commitment and persistence you can make things work.

Below is a short list of important benefits that goal setting offers you. Each of these points prepares you for a positive future. When reading through, think about your life and how each point relates to you. Think about how this information can help you move ahead.

1. Keeps you focused: Having goals and knowing what you want to achieve helps you stay on track and focused. It makes distractions are less distracting. When you know what needs to be done you’re more likely to do it then when you don’t have anything on your agenda.

2. Keeps you moving and motivated. Goals keep you moving. If you have nothing to do, you have no need to go or do anything. When you have something in mind you are motivated to get it done.

3. Achieve your dreams: As obvious as it sounds, you can’t achieve your dreams if you don’t know what you want to do. When you set goals regularly, you get to know yourself and what is important to you. Getting to know yourself is ongoing work. You don’t need to know all the answers right now. You just need to figure out what would be cool to achieve.

4. Shape your life the way you want to: You may not know this, but you have complete control over your life. How you spend your time, working towards something valuable, or just hanging out without getting much done, completely determines what kind of a life you live. You are a very smart and powerful being, but you need to use your time and energy in a positive way.

5. Feel good about yourself: There is no better way to boost your positive feelings about yourself than goal setting. There is something about getting things done and moving forward that will always make you feel good about yourself. It makes you feel like a valuable and contributing member of your community. Not only do you feel good about yourself because you’ve proved to yourself that you are great, but positive feedback from others, is like a cherry on the top.

Remember your future is in your hands. Believe in yourself. Plan for it today.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Parenting with Shame and Guilt: Low self-esteem, Self-confidence, and Inadequacy

2011-05-09T17:28:00.000-07:00

When it comes to raising kids, parents tend to use methods their parents used to raise them. Many parents remember saying, “When I am a parent, I will never do that to my kids.” Fast forward to several years later and you may find yourself raising your kids the way your parents raised you.

Parenting techniques are different from the family values and traditions that were passed on to you. Parenting technique refers to how you handle (congratulate or discipline) your kids in good and unpleasant situations.

In unpleasant situations, shame and guilt are often used as a form of discipline by parents, family members, teachers, and sports coaches. Shame is typically used as a tool for gaining control over a child with the threat that certain behaviours, attitude, or beliefs will lead to failure, family shame, or community judgement and exclusion.

Guilt on the other hand is used to make kids feel bad when acting against parents’ wishes. Further still, parents will continue to make kids feel bad about themselves until they do as is expected of them.

In time, kids learn that when things go wrong or when they do not behave according to standards they should feel ashamed of themselves. Eventually, these feelings are experienced automatically whenever things are less than perfect.

Consequences of Using Shame and Guilt as a Parenting Technique

Children who are frequently made to feel ashamed and guilty as they are growing up, often times develop the following problems:

1. ‘I am bad’ belief: Many times kids equate the ‘bad’ action they committed to who they are. When kids identify with the behaviour that is punished they start believing they are bad.

2. I am not good enough and am undeserving: Kids who feel ashamed have the underlying belief that there is something wrong with them. Because they feel there is something wrong with them they often feel they are undeserving of good things.

3. Avoiding others and social situations: Because kids with feelings of shame are uncomfortable with who they are, they avoid situations where they think others will see the real them.

4. Low self-esteem: Kids who believe they are bad, inadequate and unworthy also develop a low sense of self-worth or self-esteem. Since they feel there is very little that is good about them, they have a hard time feeling good about themselves.

5. Low self-confidence and self-reliance: Because they feel they are inadequate, undeserving, and unskilled, kids with a high sense of shame are often afraid to go after what they want and have a difficult time achieving their goals and dreams.

Shame is an unproductive and debilitating feeling that will keep kids from opening up to grow as human beings. As such, it is essential for parents to be aware of how their parenting techniques will affect their children.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

How to Reduce Teen Stress: Tips for Relief

2011-05-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

Today’s teens live in a very different world compared to teens just 20 years ago. Because of the various changes such as advanced technology and greater media influence their lives have sped up and modified just as adult lives have.

Unfortunately, these changes have also brought a great deal of stress to teens. Because stress is related to many illnesses, both physical and mental, and to happiness and success, it is important for parents to help their children deal with stress and acquire stress reducing techniques.

What can parents do to help teens reduce or manage stress?

It’s not always so much as getting outside help as it is about being involved in your teens lives.

1. Be involved in your children’s lives and be supportive.

2. Communicate with your teens and provide a support system: 1) Ask how each day was. 2) Find out what is going on if you notice something. Don’t allow your teen to shut you out. 3) Don’t be judgmental—it will add more stress.

3. Be a good role model. Be the person you want your children to be.

4. Spend family time together. Family is the best buffer against stress, drug abuse, giving in to peer-pressure, early sexual activity.

5. Offer praise and encouragement for all jobs well done. Don’t forget to reward bravery and attempts at new things.

What can teens do to reduce their stress levels?

Teach teens to manage their stress is essential to their health and success. Discuss the following with them:

1. Don’t over-schedule. If you're having a hard time juggling all your activities or if you feel you can’t give your best to any of your activities you are probably over-scheduled. Cut out the least important or fun activities.

2. Break up big tasks into smaller chunks. This will make big tasks easier to tackle and it won’t stress you out as much. Also be sure to take action to complete the little tasks as they come.

3. Just be yourself. No one is perfect and no one is better than anyone else. Enjoy what comes to you naturally and focus on your strengths and values.

4. Rest. Getting enough sleep is extremely important to re-energize your body and get you ready for the next day. Exercise and Eat Healthy. Moderate exercise and healthy food is known to help people manage stress. Schedule in regular exercise and choose to reduce the amount of junk food you eat.

5. Be positive. Your outlook, attitude, and thoughts influence the way you see things. Is your cup half full or half empty? A healthy dose of optimism can help you make the best of stressful circumstances. Even if you're out of practice, or tend to be a bit of a pessimist, everyone can learn to think more optimistically and reap the benefits.

6. Have a support system (parents, friends) you can ask for help: With caring people around you, you won’t feel alone. Talking to people often feels like we have removed a burden from our shoulders.

7. Believe in yourself: You will succeed if you know that you can keep working toward your goals.

Interested in hearing about more teen stress reduction techniques? Contact Teen Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic, and speak to her about helping your teen manage stress.

How Teens are Influenced by Celebrities

2011-04-23T04:08:00.000-07:00

Teens tend to turn to the most popular celebrities for guidance in their day-to-day lives. Because celebrities are not only envied by our society but their images are splashed across magazines, social media, television, and movies, it is natural for teens to use them as role models. While some celebrities are a positive influence on teens, others are viewed as a negative influence.

Perhaps the most obvious ways in which celebrities influence teen are:
• Physical appearance— too skinny with fake body parts?
• Clothing style and brand endorsement—to revealing?
• Behaviour misconduct—drinking and driving?
• Low self-esteem and disturbed body image—how to live up to the ideal body image?
• Modeling of drinking and drug use—in movies and in real life?

Family Intervention

With such a heavy and widespread sway on teens, what can you as a parent do to counteract the influence celebrities have over teens?

While you cannot completely control what your teens are exposed to, you can control what you teach them at home. Do not underestimate the power and influence you have on your children.

1. Family Values: Do you discuss your family values with your kids? When you teach teens what is important, their behaviour is less likely to be influenced by others’ values and more likely to be influenced by your own. Speak about the family values as you have day-to-day discussions.

2. Family time: Do you schedule regular family mealtimes, hangout times, or movie times? Hanging out with your teens allows them to bond with you, to respect you, and to listen to you more. The more time parents spend with teens the less likely they are to be involved in crime, develop an eating disorder, or to be influenced by others.

3. Family Communication: Do you communicate? Do you speak to your kids about how people in general are influenced by the media? It also helps to, non-judgmentally, point out how celebrities’ actions or behaviours are impacting their own lives. The more you talk about what they see on TV, the more they will be aware how their behaviour is shaped by celebrity influence.

4. Set an Example: Do you set the example you want your kids to follow. Do your teens see you being influenced by the media? Are you behaving the way you want your kids to behave? Setting an example is more influential than asking your kids to do what you are not willing to do.

5. Role Model: Do you model healthy self-esteem and self-acceptance to you children? Do your teens see you worrying about your own weight, body image, or ability to succeed? How you feel about yourself will influence how your teens feel about themselves. Be sure to pay attention to your own behavioural patterns as you will see the same patterns in your children.

6. It’s Up To You: Don’t leave the parenting duties to the school, church, or community. It is up to you to instil good values in your children and to mould your children into the people you want them to become.

The biggest challenge to parenting is that parents don’t really know how well they are doing and won’t find out till years down the road. As a parent, you job is to be persistent in raising your kids according to your values, by setting a good example, being a good role model, and communicating with your kids regularly. Parents you are not powerless. Your good example, family communication, and your family values will plant seeds of success in your teens.

Worried your teen is negatively affected by celebrity role models? Contact Teen Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, and find out what you can do to positively influence your teens.

Parental Involvement: Pay Attention To Your Teens Homework and School Performance

2011-04-13T03:30:00.000-07:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

By the time kids enter their adolescent year’s parents expect their children to keep track of school work. While it is right to encourage independence by handing the responsibility over to your children, parents at times may feel their parenting work is done with respect to school work.

During the teen years, kids are still developing mentally and need assistance from parents. They are developing the self-control and positive work habits necessary to succeed in school and in life. As they get older, parents can hand more and more of the responsibility to their teens, however, parental monitoring and supervision is required to ensure the work is getting done and that there are no concerns with progress. The trick is to stay involved while nurturing their independence.

By keeping track of your teen’s school work, you are not only showing an interest in the school work itself, but also in your child. School is an important and a major part of children’s lives. This is the place where they will develop life skills, such as communication skills, social skills, work ethic, etc. Your attention will vastly improve your child’s school performance and your interest and guidance will have an enormous impact on your child’s attitude towards him/herself and his/her schoolwork, ability to perform, self-esteem, confidence, success and independence.

Your attention is their reward.

Tips To Help You Stay Involved With Your Child’s School Work

Find Out The Deadlines: What are the deadlines for projects, exams, assignments, and other important school work? Write them down in the family calendar. This will allow you to keep up with what is going on in your child’s school work and it will remind you to ask them about their progress.

Show Interest In The Content: By showing interest in the content you’ll encourage your teen to pay attention to what s/he is learning. You will model an attitude of interest to your teen.

Follow Up On Missed Work During Absences: From time to time your child will be absent from school. Follow up with your teen on the first day back to school to know what they have missed or if they need any help grasping the information since they missed out on the lesson. They will notice and appreciate the extra attention (even if they don’t show it or say they don’t want it).

Contact Teacher If Necessary: If you are feeling lost with respect to the school work, feel free to contact the teacher and get more information. You’ll be teaching your teen that it is right to ask for help if something is not understood.

Create Suitable Study Environment: A suitable studying environment will not only help your child eliminate distractions but will help him/her learn and retain the material. It will also help your child attain organizational skills, positive habits, and a good work ethic.

Interested in more information to increase your teen’s school performance? Contact Toronto Teen Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic, to learn what you can do to help your child succeed.

Get Your Teen to Love Learning!

2011-03-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

The world is changing rapidly. It is important your child can keep up. Learning is not an option. As long as we live, we must learn in order to survive. In fact, continuous learning is considered an essential life skill. As such, it is important you teach your child to have fun with learning.

Often time’s learning sounds like hard work and even a bore to a teen who just wants to explore life. After all, who wants to sit and write poetry or work on a complicating math problem when other things sound like more fun? Learning, however, does not have to be boring and does not have to be done at the kitchen table with books opened and spread everywhere.

If your teen does not show signs of being interested in learning, there are a number of things you can do to motivate him/her. The most important part is that you demonstrate patience with your teen. Here are a few tips to use.

7 Tips to Encourage Your Child to Learn

Inspire your teen: Give your child the opportunity to speak to people from a variety of professional backgrounds and interests. There is nothing more inspiring than speaking to individuals who enjoy their job and speak positively about their journey, including all the challenges. Overtime your child will develop a more positive outlook on learning and welcome new challenges.

Find out his/her learning style: There are many different learning styles, including verbal, logical, audio, visual, or hands on. Find out your teen’s learning style and let him/her know you noticed s/he learns best when taught in a specific way. This way you are coaching your teen to pay attention to teaching styles and making it easier for him/her to pick up new information. When s/he has figured out which style works best, s/he will enjoy the work more because it will seem less of a struggle.

What’s going on at school: Be involved with your teen’s school work. Ask what they have learned each day and ask them to quiz you to see what you know about science, English literature, geography, etc. Kids often enjoy teaching their parents for a change. As they are quizzing you, they are strengthening their own knowledge of the day’s lesson.

Learn as a family: Organize family learning opportunities by going to a museum, library, sports hall of fame, etc. The first few times you can pick a place your teen will enjoy (based on your child’s interests). This will persuade your teen to be open-minded about family trips. There may be a few objections in the beginning, but the more often these family activities are repeated the more open you teen will be to the experience.

Tap into your teen’s strengths: Learning can be hard work. Tap into your child’s strengths to encourage learning. Everything seems more fun when we are good at what we are doing. The same holds for your teens. While it is important to develop your child’s weaknesses be sure you allow him/her to use his/her strengths too.

Set an example: When you show that you enjoy learning and reading new material and are willing to put in the effort, your teens are likely to follow. Be sure to let your teens see your enthusiasm for learning...not your pressure to learn something new in order to retain your job. Demonstrate to your teen that learning is a natural part of life.

Be creative: You know your children the best. You know what excites them and you know their areas of interest. Combine these two important pieces of information and be creative to make up attractive new learning scenarios.

Interested in more information on how to get your teen excited about learning? Contact Teen Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, and find out how you can teach your child to love learning.

Speak to Your Teens

2011-03-23T18:37:00.000-07:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Parents often times find themselves at a loss when it comes to speaking to and understanding their teens. Many times genuine parental concern turns into fights and misunderstandings.
The “trick” is to speak to your teens. Really speak to them and really listen to them without judgement (not easy but very important!). Parents often times ‘speak’ to their teens with the expectation that they will speak and children will listen and agree to their parents. Although this would be ideal for the parent, it is hardly fair to children.

The steps listed below are directed for parents. As a parent, it is your role to demonstrate good communication skills to your children. When you role model this steps, your kids will naturally adopt the behaviours as their own. Here are the tips to help you improve the quality of communication with your teens.

6 Tips to Effective Communication

Stop to discuss: Often times parents speak to kids as they are cooking, folding laundry, trying to write an email, searching for a phone number, etc. When multitasking you are not giving your children the attention they deserve. Your teens will feel unimportant and will be less likely to approach you for advice next time. When your teens approach you, stop what you are doing. If you are in the middle of something, ask them to wait for a minute or so, finish your task and turn your full attention onto them. Giving your entire attention to your teens will encourage them to keep coming back to you for guidance.

Check your immediate response: Your children are closely looking for your immediate behavioural and verbal response when they tell you stuff. As soon as they hear a vocal reprimand or see behavioural condemnation, they have already decided to end the discussion as soon as possible or to conceal information from you. Be aware of your words and behaviour when speaking to your children and try to remain objective at all times. An initial supportive attitude will calm your teens down and make it easier for you to let them know that you do not approve of their actions.

Acknowledge your teen’s feelings: Whether happy or sad, never dismiss how your teens are feeling, even if they are upset over a trivial matter. It is not for you to decide what should and should not get them upset. The first thing you ought to do is verbally acknowledge what they are feeling (good or bad) and why. The second thing is to accept their feelings. Accepting your teens’ feelings will help strengthen their trust in you.

Relate to your teen: Because of the age and maturity difference between you and your teens, it can be hard for you to see each other’s perspective. It is up to you as a parent to think back to your teen years and remember how a little thing easily became a ‘big thing.’ Your teen cannot ‘remember’ how it is to be an adult but you can use your personal experiences when speaking to them to let them know you understand.

Don’t command: No one likes to be ordered around or told what to do. Teens are developing their individuality and independence and as such don’t like to be ordered around. Ordering them around will challenge them. As a result, they will either rebel or confirm. Neither case, however, allows your teens to be who they want to be or to learn how to make good choices. The power of good, well delivered advice and a good example is far more effective than directing them.

You stop and you listen: Do not cut your teen off in the middle of the sentence. No one enjoys being cut off without having their full ideas heard. Often time’s parents tell their teens to stop and listen without being aware they do not stop to listen. Your kids want to be heard and have a right to be heard. Do not teach them their opinion doesn’t count by cutting them off. Slow down and listen.

Interested in more information about how to relate with your teen? Contact Teen Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, and find out how you can communicate with your teen and strengthen your relationship.

Teens: Where to Find Help During Decision-making

2011-03-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

As a teen you may find decision-making to be difficult, tricky, nerve-racking, and maybe even embarrassing. Some decisions are just plain hard, some require extra knowledge, some require confidence, and others require the ability to resist temptation or pressure.

Whether you are trying to decide what school to go to, whether to get a tattoo/piercing or not, how to deal with a relationship break-up, or even whether you should become sexually active, it is usually a good idea to ask a few people at different stages in their life, with different life experiences.

Remember, you have options and people to turn to:

Friends: For some of your decisions, friends are an excellent choice. They know what is going on in your life, what is trendy, and you may feel they are understanding and non-judgemental. Although these reasons may depict friends as the best people to go to for help, keep in mind your friends are as inexperienced as you for many of your dilemmas (kind of like ‘blind leading the blind’). You can ask them for their opinion but don’t assume they know what they are talking about just because they appear confident. While they want the best for you, they unfortunately, lack the necessary knowledge for many of the tougher decisions.

Your parents: Without a doubt, decision-making is easiest with supportive parents who can advise you on what to do. You can be assured they have your best interest at heart and will be willing to support you in your challenges. Parents are usually one of the best choices for teens. Unfortunately, you may feel your parents’ are unsupportive, or have opinions and advice that is outdated or wrong for you.

Your teachers/ school counsellors: By talking to a favourite teacher or school counsellor you will learn they often have more knowledge than you think. Teachers don’t just know history, math, science and other subjects. You’ll learn that they also have fabulous experiences they can share with you to help you make your decisions. Keep in mind, however, that some teachers have a hard time opening up to students. While they have a right to privacy, it is easier to relate to someone when they tell you about their life.

Life coaches: You may find that advice from those you speak to is biased or perhaps not for you. Some questions can also be embarrassing you may not want to discuss with your parents or other family members. This is a great time to take advantage of a teen life coach. Teen life coaches are unbiased, teach you to make choices based on what is important to you, guide you based on your strengths, and truly care for your well-being.

Yourself: Nobody knows you like you do! After receiving advice from others, carefully consider which options would make you happy. Be aware if you are feeling pressured or if you have negative feelings popping up when you are thinking about certain choices and outcomes. In the end, your decisions should be based on your values and researched facts. You’ll know which decision is best for you based on how you are feeling. A feeling of peace and contentment is usually present when you pick the choice best suited for you.

It is up to you to gather advice or facts from a variety of people to help you make the choices that will increase your happiness, pride, and self-worth. Your choices are ultimately yours to make and you should be careful with who you allow to influence you.

Have more questions about the decisions in your life? Contact Teen Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, and find out how you can strengthen your decision-making skills.

Teens: Long-term consequences of avoiding decision-making

2011-03-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Many teens (and adults) find it extremely scary to make the big life-changing (or life-directing) decisions. They are afraid of picking the wrong choice, disappointing their parents, embarrassing themselves, making mistakes, taking wrong action, and so on. With so much pressure, it almost appears easier to shy away from making decisions and letting life play out on its own.

Decision-making, however, cannot be avoided. In fact, the older you get the more responsibility you will have; this includes more opportunities to make a variety of decisions. While, some decisions are easier and some are harder, it’s up to you to take charge of your life and choose what you think is best for you. Knowing you have the power to shape your life anyway you want is extremely empowering and means you can be whatever you dream of being.

Not making decisions leads to...

Because making decisions can be difficult and requires time and effort, many teens choose to dodge this responsibility. While this method may appear to work for a while, you’ll soon notice the consequences catching up to you. When you notice you’re not getting the results you want in an increasing amount of areas in life, life will no longer seem fun, but hard and tedious.

Here are 5 major consequences of avoiding decision-making:

Feeling disempowered or feeling you’re being controlled: You have enormous power in your life. The power you hold is reflected in your ability to choose anything you want. When you choose to avoid decision-making, you’re willingly giving up control over your life. Also, if you’re not willing to make your own decisions, others will be more than happy to choose for you. Unfortunately, others often choose what they think would work for them, assuming the same solution will work for you. Be careful when you allow others to make your decisions, you’ll hardly ever get what you want.

Low self-esteem: Believing you don’t have the ability to make the right decisions for yourself is extremely diminishing and degrading. In addition, not getting the results you want (which often happens when you don’t make your decisions) may lead you to think you don’t deserve anything better than what you’re getting.

Low self-trust: Self-trust is a learned skill and is important for creativity, independence, and success. If you don’t trust yourself to make decisions, you’ll never trust yourself in other areas of life either. Not making decisions may lead you to not trust yourself to deal with life’s challenges, to handle new experiences, or to meet new people.

Unhappiness: It’s up to you to create the kind of life you want for yourself. Don’t give up your happiness by being afraid to make decisions. Happiness and fulfillment do not come from making the right decisions, but from learning from the decisions you’ve made.

Bad Habit Formation: When you continually avoid making decisions, you’ll eventually form the habit to avoid decision-making altogether. Once this habit is formed, you’ll move through life without making very many decisions unless you choose to change this habit. Unfortunately, one habit often leads to other bad habits such as making excuses, avoiding problem solving, complaining, settling for mediocrity, and giving up.

Have more questions about the decisions in your life? Contact Teen Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, and find out how you can strengthen your decision-making skills.

8 Simple Steps to Good Decision-Making for Teens

2011-02-27T07:21:00.000-08:00

No one is born with awesome decision-making skills. It is a skill that needs to be learned and strengthened (but may not ever be perfected). This means the more often you make decisions the better you’ll get at it. It’s a difficult skill to perfect however, since the better you get at decision making the more challenging problems you’ll face.

Some people get nervous when it comes to making decisions because they’re afraid they’ll make wrong choices. This is the basics of decision-making. Whenever you have more than one option, there’s always a chance you’ll make a ‘better’ or a ‘worse’ decision. Although you can imagine where each decision will take you, you often won’t know how good your decision is until a period of time passes by.

While easier decisions (e.g., which shoes to wear with which top) don’t require a detailed planning process (or maybe it does?), decisions such as picking a university or college, moving out on your own, getting a job or just focusing on school, figuring out if your friends are true friends, or whether or not to report bullying or a crime you witnessed usually require more contemplation.

Keep in mind there is no right or wrong answer to many of the dilemma’s you’ll face. As a result, you’ll have to make a choice depending on what you know about yourself, your situation in life, your needs and wants, and what you think will work best for you. To help you with difficult decisions, here are 8 steps you can follow.

8 important steps...

1. What is the problem you are facing? What is the problem to be solved (e.g., to have a part-time job or to focus on school)? Write it down so you are clear on what you are trying to resolve. Write down why you should solve this issue (e.g., what are your priorities). This step gives you an idea of how important this decision is.

2. Gather information. Ask for advice. Write down what you need to learn. Interview people (e.g., other students who worked and didn’t work while in school). What do others who have already been through this say? Gather information from valid sources (e.g., speak to your school counsellor about how many hours per week does school require and how many hours per week does a part-time job require). What are the facts? What is holding you back (e.g., fear you can’t handle both, bad habits, fear of responsibility, etc.). This step gives you objective (non-biased) and subjective (biased) information.

3. What is important to you? List your values (e.g., honesty, good grades, money, independence, etc.). What conditions do you want your choice to reflect (e.g., your family’s opinion)?

4. Brainstorm and write down your possible options. Come up with ideas and choices you can choose form (e.g., work 5 or 10 or 20 hours per week, do not work, work in summer time only, etc.).

5. What are the consequences (good and bad) of each choice? Use steps 2 and 3 to determine the pros and cons of each possible choice listed in step 4. Write these down in a table so you have all the data right in front of you.

6. Decide on the best choice for you. This is much easier after you go through the above steps. Rate your options if you have to. Rank order based on your research. Take a few days to think about it if you need to and then come back to your dilemma.

7. Create a plan and carry it out. When you have made your choice, create a plan of specific steps you will take. Carry out your plan.

8. Measure the results. This can only be done once you made your decision, carried out your plan, and received feedback (e.g., your report card, regular pay). How would you rate your decision? What about the steps you took? Are you still meeting the things important to you. What lessons did you learn? This is an important step for strengthening your decision-making skills. If you find your decision didn’t work out well the first time around, use what you learned when you go back to the drawing board and re-evaluate your choice. If the first choice didn’t turn out right, it doesn’t mean game over. Retrace your steps and start from the best place possible.

Have more questions about the decisions in your life? Contact Teen Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, and find out how you can strengthen your decision-making skills.

Advice on Teen Decision-making: What Did I Learn?

2011-02-21T09:11:00.000-08:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Being a teen is confusing enough. Not only are you uncertain of who you are, what you like, what your strengths are, where you should be heading in life, you also need to make decisions about very important parts of your life: Who should I be friends with? What classes interest me in school? What should I be when I grow up? Am I really good at anything important? etc.,

With so many options available to choose from, it can seem difficult to make the best decisions for yourself.

Decision making, however, isn’t necessarily about making the PERFECT choice, as it is about getting to know yourself, picking what you think is in your best interest, and learning from the process. Decision-making is also not about deliberately choosing wrong to spite your parents, to experiment, or to choose something you know can hurt you or others. It’s about choosing the best option based on your values and existing knowledge on the topic. There will be times when it seems like you’re completely off track... as if you couldn’t have picked worse if you tried. This isn’t the point!

The point is to learn important lessons about what you did, who you are, what you can do to avoid similar situations in the future, etc. All of our experiences, the bad and the good, are to be used to get us to the next stepping stone. If you use your lessons learned, you’ll step onto the next higher stepping stone (think of stairs). If you don’t learn from past situations, it’s the same as walking on the same stepping stone all over again or moving backwards.

Although decision-making can be hard, it can also be extremely empowering. It means you get to decide what you want as part of life. In the beginning, your parents may wish to see evidence that you can make good choices before they give you more freedom in the amount of choices you can make on your own. As you grow up and as you demonstrate you’re responsible, your parents will pass the decision-making baton onto you.

I recommend you practice making decisions every day. Bear in mind you don’t have to get it just right the first time around (although that would be nice). You should, however, learn something from the process each time. If you get good at making decisions at this age, you’ll make it easier for yourself when it comes to adult stuff, such as what type of person do I want to marry? How should I invest my money? Am I willing to move abroad? etc.

Have more questions about the decisions in your life? Contact Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, and find out how you can strengthen your decision-making skills.

A Teen’s Guide to Leadership: 3 Steps to Make You a Great Leader

2011-02-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

Leadership means using your knowledge and skills to gather a group of people with the aim of completing a common task. Great leadership means using your strengths and influence in a positive and worthwhile way to change a situation for the better.

One common misconception is that leaders are rich and important people with a great deal of power to control their followers into doing what needs to be done. Contrary to this belief, when leadership is used for a worthwhile cause, leaders do not need to use power to manipulate their followers. Their followers are inspired by their leader to do a good job. In addition, good leaders gain followers out of respect and their ability to lead people to work towards a particular goal. Only poor leaders need to force and manipulate people into being their followers.

Gandhi, for example, was one of the most influential leaders in modern social and political activism. Without any official power (he was an ordinary guy like you and I), he became one of the most respected spiritual and political leaders of the 20th century. Gandhi helped free the Indian people from British rule through nonviolent resistance (he didn’t force anyone to follow him; he only set a good example). Gandhi is still honoured by his people as the father of the Indian Nation.

The point here is that we can all be good leaders by setting the right example. Everyday your thoughts, feelings, attitude, and actions influence those around you. As such, it is important you influence your peers and other adults in a positive way.

What can you do today to put yourself in the position to lead others? Here are 3 POWERFUL steps you can include in your daily life to become a positive and effective leader.

1. Take responsibility for your actions: Not all of your actions are good ones. Not all of your choices and decisions are something to be proud of. That’s not the point. The real point is when you take responsibility for what you do, you gain control over your life and you learn about what went wrong. Accepting responsibility for your actions sets a good example to others and can leave you with great lessons learned.

2. Be proactive: Stop sitting and waiting around for your big break or for luck to come your way. Luck will never come your way unless you are willing to meet it half way. Make a commitment to try new things and see where that takes you. Be open-minded!

3. Engage in positive actions: Just do what’s right! If you see something wrong in your community, take steps to fix it (e.g., Too much garbage lying around? No problem! Form a group and start cleaning up. It’s as simple as that!). Sometimes, however, it can be hard to do the responsible thing when there are better activities awaiting you (e.g., your favourite TV show, hanging out with friends). Some decisions are harder than others, but do what will make you feel less guilty, less stressed, and less bad.

Taking these 3 steps will put you in a position to lead others. Commitment to these steps will also lead to a TON of other good changes in your life. I promise!

For more information on teen leadership, self-esteem, and confidence (yes, they all tie in together!), contact Teen and Youth Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic.

Identifying high and low self-esteem: Important for healthy teen socialization and happiness

2011-02-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

One of the top priorities for many parents is to raise children with a healthy level of self-esteem. Most parents know self-esteem is important for just about every aspect of children’s lives, including how they function at school and how they will function in the workplace, how they deal with peers and how they will deal with colleagues, friends, and spouse, how much they can achieve as children and how much they are likely to achieve as adults, etc.

Unfortunately, many parents are not aware of what healthy self-esteem really entails. Self-esteem is not just about liking oneself and blowing kisses into the mirror. Self-esteem is also about how confident one is in his/her ability to think for him/ herself, to face life’s challenges, and to approach opportunities that are presented to him/her. It is one’s confidence in his/her right to be successful, happy, and worthy of all the good stuff in life.

In short, parents need to raise children to trust their ability to think and to have a firm belief in their worth and their right to happiness.

How to identify high and low self-esteem

Teens with a higher self-esteem have different behavioural patterns than teens with lower self-esteem. Below are a few clues to the level of your child’s self-esteem. Pay attention to behaviour and thinking patterns you see in the everyday life of your child.

Persistence: Teens with healthy self-esteem believe in themselves and are more likely to persist when challenges come along. Teens with a lower self-esteem are less likely to try challenging tasks, and if they do try, never really giving it their all. They have already made up their mind they will not succeed.

Respect: Teens with high self-esteem will demonstrate respect for themselves and others and will expect others to treat them with equal value. When others do not treat them as they expect, they are likely to go find people who will.

Opportunities: Teens with higher self-esteem are willing to be proactive, try new things and as a result, come across new opportunities that will help them succeed.

Able to manage change: Change is constant. Teens with lower self-esteem prefer familiarity. They have a harder time adjusting to new circumstances as they tend to lack self-trust. Teens with higher self-esteem believe they have the skills to tackle the new conditions of life.

Independence: Teens with healthy self-esteem prefer thinking for themselves, making their own choices, and have an easier time accepting responsibilities for their actions. They understand their mistake is not impinging on their self-worth.

Embrace Creativity: Teens with higher self-esteem have the courage to follow their internal signals and are less susceptible to others’ beliefs and ideas. While others will inspire them, they will follow their own thoughts and insights.

Need help improving your teen’s self-esteem? Contact Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, and find out how you can help your child become happy, independent, and successful.

Valentine’s Day Family Celebration: Scheduling it, Planning it, and the Do’s and the Don’ts

2011-02-01T10:36:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to show your family (children & partner) how much you love them, care for them, and appreciate them. Everyone wants to be remembered and treasured on this day and your family is the perfect place to start.

Schedule it! Plan it! Organize it!

Let each family member know you intend to celebrate a Family Valentine’s Day and that their participation and attendance is very important to you. So, pick a day that is convenient for everyone. This may be a bit harder with older teens who have personal schedules and priorities, but nonetheless, insist this is an important celebration and that it wouldn’t be the same without them. (They might be testing you to see if you are willing to hold a family party without them).

Scheduling the party is the first step to committing yourself to it. Planning the party is the second step. Without planning it, the party may become ‘just another great idea’ that never materialized. Organizing the party is the third step. Get the family members involved in organizing their own party and making some of the decisions. Scheduling the party but not following up with it, may lead your teens to say “Well...I guess I’m just not that important. Mom/dad preferred to work [or do something else] to spending time with me.” Also, keep in mind what you hope to teach your teens about commitment.

If you are planning the entire day (or just an evening), here are a few activities to plan. Remember, no one is ever too old to have fun.

1. Plan out menus for breakfast, lunch, and/ or dinner
2. Go out for a meal to a place you haven’t tried before
3. Prepare meals together
4. Have a fun family discussion
5. Bake a favourite cake in the shape of a heart
6. Book a ski trip
7. Go on a road trip
8. Go out for a trail walk (include family pets if possible)
9. Play the family’s favourite board game (e.g., BINGO, Life, Monopoly)
10. Watch a movie

Do’s and Don’ts

Remember this is a family mini-party, not a good opportunity to bring up regular family disputes or an opportunity to lecture your kids/ teens on the usual topics. This is a party. Loosen up. Have fun. Enjoy your family.

Here are some Do’s and Don’ts on how to celebrate a FUN and CARING family Valentine’s Day.

DO
...keep the atmosphere friendly and light
...bring up the good memories
...have a positive attitude and use positive language
...consider this to be worth your time
...laugh
...tell the family how much you appreciate them
...treat new experiences with an optimistic outlook
...enjoy yourself and keep the conversation positive and upbeat
...include everyone in the family

DON’T
...bring up the same old points of dispute
...use this time to bring up bad decisions from the past
...answer business calls or do office work during this time
...put anyone down
...use negative language or have a negative attitude
...have the TV on in the background (unless you are watching a movie)
...steer conversations toward controversial subjects
...overreact if someone spills food or drink or breaks something
...answer the phone during your time together. You’re showing your kids they are more important than anyone else.

Interested in more information about planning your family time? Visit www.lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, can help your family succeed.

How to Change Teen Habits: 7 Simple but Effective Steps

2011-01-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic

Everyone has habits. This includes teens! In fact, we start forming our habits as children and solidify them in our teen years. Unfortunately, many of those harmful habits we formed early in life, while we were still trying to figure out what living was all about, have stuck around. And unless we make a conscious choice to change them, they will continue to be a part of our life.

Knowing that habits can break us or make us, parents frequently ask how they can teach their teens (and young children) to develop efficient and productive habits.

What are Habits Anyways?

To answer the question in the above paragraph, we need to know what habits are. Habits are the behaviours, thoughts, feelings, and attitude we engage in over and over again without thinking. Everyone has routine patterns of behaviour in reaction to specific situations. Yes, teens have formed habits too.

Typical negative teen habits include: thinking poorly of themselves with respect to their ability to perform well at school, thinking they do not deserve good things in life, staying friends with disrespectful peers, not keeping promises, acting impulsively and making rash decisions, lacking goals, losing focus on what is important by allowing themselves to be distracted, avoiding commitments and responsibilities, accepting things as they are instead of being proactive, and so on.

Habits are NOT Permanent: How to Change Habits

About 95% to 99% of our behaviour, thoughts, and feelings in any given day are habitual. Most of what we do, feel and think today we will do, feel, and think tomorrow. Fortunately, once the negative habits are recognized, they can be changed.

The question of course is: how can any parent help their teen modify destructive habits?

Below is a method, that if committed to, can help your teen (and you) form better habits.

1.Schedule a time with your teen to sit down and complete the following exercise. The timing should be convenient for you both. Perhaps you can both pick a habit to fix or make it a family effort. Your teen will feel supported and better about him/herself.

2.What habits do I want to change? Work towards changing only 1 habit at a time. Changing 2 or 3 at a time can be very hard because it takes a lot of energy, discipline, and control. Once your teen masters one habit and demonstrates that success is possible, s/he can go onto the next one.
Ask your teen to write a list of all the habits s/he would like to change. (E.g., greater respect for myself; better opinion of myself; stand up for myself to my friends).

3.What habit do I want to change right now? Once your teen has completed the list above, ask him/her to pick the habit s/he is most interested in changing. This habit can be small or big, most important or least important. Start with the habit of your teen’s choice...your child will get to the others soon enough if dedicated.

4.What will I do instead? (E.g., I will think of myself as deserving; I will use positive words to describe myself; I will choose friends that I can be honest and open with and that have good opinion of me). If your teen doesn’t know or doesn’t plan out what s/he will do instead, s/he will fall back into old habits and familiar behaviour. The new behaviour that will replace old behaviour must be planned out!

Ask your teen to make a list of what s/he will do in place of the counter-productive behaviours. S/he needs to write down the positive words s/he plans to use to describe him/herself, write down what s/he is deserving of, and write down the qualities and values of the new friends s/he is looking for. The more detail the less confusion there will be and less chance s/he will fall back into the old habits.

5.Do I really want to change? (E.g., Yes or no). If your teen’s answer is “No” or “Maybe,” it will be harder to change because his/her heart is not in it and s/he will feel unmotivated. Encourage your teen to be honest because dishonesty will likely lead to failure. Perhaps another habit would be more appealing to change?

6.How will I benefit by changing this habit? (E.g. I will feel better about myself; I will be more successful; when I respect myself and think I am deserving, others will respect me more and also think I am deserving; I will be happier when I stand up for myself; I will gain confidence; I will gain friends that accept me for myself; I will gain friends that have similar values as me). Knowing the benefits will motivate your teen to stay on track when the going gets tough. This will solidify the reason the old behaviour needs to be changed.

7.Be consistent! Practice makes perfect! It’s hard to change a habit if your teen’s behaviour is not reliable. Reversely, your teen will strengthen his/her old habit each time s/he engages in it.

For more information to help your teen change habits, contact Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic.

Building Teen Independence: Decreasing Rebellion and Increasing Self-esteem, Self-confidence, and Self-reliance

2011-01-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

A big part of building independence is allowing your young teen to do things for him/herself, make his/her own decisions, and make his/her own mistakes. These are natural processes in life and people are wired to desire autonomy early in life. This need for early independence is designed to prepare individuals for adulthood.

Allowing your child to become independent earlier in life can minimize rebellion during the later stages of the teen years. All teens have a need to express their individuality. Teens that are suppressed and are not allowed to express their individuality are more likely to revolt.

In addition, practicing self-reliance via independence will help eliminate public shyness and teach your teen to stand up for him/herself when needed, including peer pressure. Early choice selection will also add confidence and prepare teens for decision making in adulthood.

When fostering independence, teens can try new things and develop feelings of comfort with the self and in one’s abilities. Being independent means your teen will think for him/herself, have confidence, do things for him/herself, use his/her judgement, and avoid becoming spoiled and developing a feeling of entitlement. More importantly, it can empower and increase happiness and life satisfaction levels in your teen.

Many parents may feel confused as to knowing the right time to start fostering independence or how to encourage independence to their teens. If you often find yourself feeling at a loss, do not feel bad. Remember, you are also learning throughout your journey as a parent. Read on for some tips.

How to Foster Independence
At times it just seems like a better idea to do things for your child. After all, you can do it faster, more efficiently, with better precision, and you are more experienced to make better choices. Remember, it also took you some time to come to the stage you are at now.

In order for your child to become faster, accurate, efficient and experienced, you will have to let him/her go through the beginner’s stage. Allow your child to start doing for him/herself as soon as s/he is physically and intellectually capable. Here are some tips for nurturing independence in your teen on a daily basis:

1. When going out to eat, ask your young teen to order his/her food

2. Ask your teen to call and schedule his/her appointments or to order the pizza

3. Let your child clean up after meals and allow him/her to occasionally prepare his/her meal

4. Let your teen prepare his/her own lunch and pack his/her school bag

5. Let your child control his/her homework schedule but monitor the school progress and grades and step in when and if necessary

6. Let your child make his/her decisions regarding social issues but be the first to provide support and advice

7. Allow your teen to feel stuck when making a decision but be there to offer support and advice

8. Allow your child to chose his/her own dress and hair style

9. Let your child earn some of the money you give instead of just handing it to him/her

10. Encourage your teen to get a job that will not interfere with school performance

11. Allow your teen to negotiate his/her punishment and consequence plan; this puts the ball back into his/her court so s/he can choose how to behave knowing what the consequences will be
12. Allow your teen to make mistakes but let him/her know it’s a normal part of learning. There is nothing to feel bad about

Providing Choices and Compromising
Things like clothes, curfews, and other privileges can often cause friction between parents and teens. Parents want one thing and teens another. How to handle this?

To avoid a situation in which either one of you dictates to the other, provide your teen with a few choices and let him/her decide what s/he wants. This way you continue to give your teen independence by teaching him/her to make choices and to pay attention to the consequences of certain decisions.

Likewise, you can compromise. Ask your teen what s/he wants and relate what you want for him/her. Talk to your child about compromising. If your child gives a little and you give a little, you can meet somewhere on the same path (if the situation calls for it). Explain your point of view and let your child explain his/hers too. The earlier you start to provide choices and compromise, the earlier you start to teach your teen how to negotiate with others.

Interested in more information about teen independence? Visit www.lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, can help your teen become autonomous.

New Years’ Resolutions: How to Talk to Your Teen about Goal Setting?

2011-01-02T11:08:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

The beginning of the New Year is the perfect time to start new goals. There is something about the start of the New Year that makes most people feel refreshed, re-energized, and ready to become their best.

Teenagers are no different. They understand they are starting a new year and they know they have an entire year set out before them. What they may not know, is what they want to do with this year.

Teens have a desire to make good choices and for positive outcomes. This is a good time (not that it’s ever a bad time) for parents to teach children the importance of self-improvement. It is also a good time to teach teens how their choices can lead them in various directions.

Here are steps to help you approach goal setting with your teen and family

If possible, sit down with your entire family and ask each individual where they want to be at the end of 2011. This involves professional and personal goals. Make sure everyone has a pen and paper so they can write down a goal or two maximum (for teens) in each category:

1. Ask everyone involved to write what they would like to achieve in the following 6 categories (give 20 minutes for this activity):

Social: What do you want to accomplish socially? More nights out with friends? Meet new people? Join social groups?

Spiritual: Where do you need to expand with respect to your spiritual journey? Strengthen your relationship with God? Become more self-aware?

Physical: How do you wish to treat your body this year? More exercise and sleep? Healthier food and less toxic substances?

Intellectual: Do you get enough intellectual stimulation? Perhaps more Sudoku puzzles or crosswords? Maybe something more intense like joining a community debate group?

Emotional: Where are you on an emotional level? What can you do to bring yourself into balance?

Career/Financial/ Academic: What would you like to accomplish professionally this year? More money? A new job/career? Better attitude and effort at work? Networking?

I encourage you and your family to set goals within each of the 6 categories. They are all important for a well-balanced life and will meet your psychological needs. I also suggest you encourage everyone to think of their own goals and not to write down goals that others want for them.

2. Ask every member to share what their goals are. Keeping one’s goals a secret means “I don’t want to tell you in case I don’t achieve it.” Verbalizing goals will strengthen everyone’s commitment.

3. Provide positive and supportive feedback. No comments like “Are you sure you can do that?,” or “Pick something realistic” should be spoken. Teach your teen that this is an important activity, to believe in themselves, and show them you believe in them too.

4. Next, ask everyone to brainstorm a plan on how to go about achieving each of the listed goals (allow up to 30 minutes for this exercise). Ask everyone to jot down ideas, words, notes, facts that will be turned into a plan of success. Detailed plans can be created on personal time.

5. After the time is up, take up your answers. By discussing each other’s plan together, you can help your teen learn from you and help brainstorm a secure plan if necessary. This is a good section to discuss with your teen how his/her choices can bring out different outcomes. It is also a good time to discuss responsibility. Everyone is responsible for their own choices. Whoever desires to be successful at their goals has to accept responsibility for the positive and negative choices and to learn how various choices can affect the final outcome.

6. Be sure you and all involved have fun with goal setting. Demonstrate a positive attitude to your kids and to yourself. Self-improvement should not be a dread, but an exciting time. You are about to be a step closer to your full potential.

Interested in more information? Contact Teen Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic and speak to her about your teen.

Life Coaching for Teens: Increased Self-esteem, Confidence, and Motivation

2010-12-16T09:23:00.000-08:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Many parents have the ability to grant their children access to high quality education, tutoring, instructive video games, athletic coaching, and other extraordinary opportunities to help their teens become happy and successful adults.

Despite these many advantages, it appears parents are not seeing the desired results in their offspring. Contrary to their expectations, parents are noticing their children experiencing low-self esteem and confidence levels that are impacting their levels of motivation to live up to their full potential.

Fortunately, parents are now learning the benefits of Life Coaching for teenagers as a means to help their children increase self-esteem, confidence and motivation to succeed. A Teen Coach can provide guidance to youth that can make the difference between a negative and positive result for the child.

Life coaching for teenagers addresses issues such as:

Purpose: Everyone was born with a purpose on life. Unfortunately, many people live their entire lives without ever understanding this. Those who are in touch with their purpose in life are happier and more successful.

Values: Values are what is important to us. They guide our actions, direct our lives, and affect the decisions we make. The trick is to figure out who we are, what is important to us, and what kind of a life we want to live. Unless we are aware of our values, we’ll likely behave in contradiction to what is important to us and how we would like to live our lives.

Habits: Habitual behaviour can be hard to identify because we are not always aware of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. A teen coach will help teens recognize the negative habits and guide them to replace them with good habits.

Lack of responsibility and accountability: Accepting responsibility for our actions gives us power and control over our life. Early exposure to the significance of responsibility and accountability teaches teens how their choices determine the results they experience. This knowledge empowers teens to shape their life in whatever way they want.

Limiting self-beliefs: Negative expectations will limit the level of success we achieve. According to self-fulfilling prophecy, we alter our actions so that we behave consistently with our beliefs or expectations of ourselves. While teens are trying to figure out who they are it is easy to adopt self-limiting beliefs about themselves based on what others think of them and the setbacks they experience. Teen coaches address this line of thought and guide teens to replace self-limiting beliefs with self-empowering ones.

By learning these concepts, teens gain a sense of control over their lives leading to an increase in their self-esteem and confidence levels and their motivation to succeed.

The teenage years can and should be used as training ground for adult life. Positive habits developed during adolescence are likely to stick around into adulthood. In addition, adolescence is an excellent time for youth to start thinking about their purpose and direction in life.

For more information about Life Coaching for Teenagers, contact Teen Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, and learn how life coaching can benefit your teen or young adult.

If at First You Don’t Succeed: How to plan a successful New Year’s Resolution for self-change

2010-12-15T10:22:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

There is a reason the self-help industry is booming with success. It thrives due to your general lack of success! We are desperate for self-change and are constantly on the lookout for a new solution to improve our image, appearance, worth, and overall station in life. The problem is that many of our attempts to change ourselves end up failing. For example, how many times have you tried to change the same negative habit that just keeps coming back? How many times have you tried to quit smoking and haven’t been able to yet? Have you kept your usual New Year’s resolution to go to the gym three times per week?

The source of failures...

After failing, your biggest error can be not evaluating the reason for the outcome. Typically, you may attribute your failure to external factors, such as, the ineffectiveness of the self-change program you used, social distractions, responsibilities, work, the weather, the kids, the husband or wife, etc.

The lack of evaluation of what caused your failure sets you up for another disappointment. Failing to pinpoint the culprit, you tend to repeat the same mistakes again.

The most important thing to realize is that you are responsible for all your outcomes and experiences. Therefore if you fail, the reason you fail is internal; something you personally did to interfere with your ability to succeed.

What are the things you do that sets you up for failure? Based on my many personal failures to change myself and observations of those around me, I’ve come up with six reasons I believe people tend to be unsuccessful in achieving many of their goals.

1. UNCLEAR or VAGUE GOALS. To get to where you want to go, you must clearly define your destination. You must invest time to understand where you want to go and what you want to do. If you don’t know where you are going, any path will take you there.

2. IMPATIENCE. You want change now! Once you have some idea of what you want to change, you demand to see results today. Unfortunately, self-change is usually a slow process. You must continually work in order to change your beliefs, negative habits, and attitude. This takes time and requires patience, self-confidence, and self-acceptance. If you do not accept yourself as you are, you will have a tough time reaching your goal without getting discouraged and giving up before you even see any progress.

3. FALSE PERCEPTION of the effort required to succeed. At the time of your resolution to change, you are so energized over your new commitment you mistakenly assume change will be easy. You do not fully consider the day-to-day effort that will be required to achieve your goal (in addition to those other day-to-day things you have to do). Self-change does not happen effortlessly; it requires serious work, commitment, and persistence. The reward, however, is invaluable.

4. Unrealistic QUANTITY-to-TIME ratio. It is simple and desirable to assume the big change you want to see will come in short time. Upon realizing it will take a little longer to achieve the desired goal, you tend to get discouraged and quit. The time it will take to see change is relative to the size of the goal you have set. For example, becoming the CEO of the #1 company in the world will take a little longer than becoming the mailroom manager. While both are worthy goals, keep in mind that not all goals can be achieved in the same amount of time.

5. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Once you make the resolution to change, you have strong confidence in your ability to succeed. It doesn’t take long however, for this initial faith in yourself to wane. You soon get discouraged by the slow progress and the amount of work required to succeed, “It’s just not working!” you say to yourself. You may also start questioning your ability to succeed. Unfortunately, if you don’t think you can succeed, you won’t. You’ll give up before you see any results. This will only confirm your thoughts about your inability to achieve your goal. When you fail, you’ll say to yourself “See, I knew I would not be successful.”

6. MISPERCEIVED BENEFITS. Why do you want to change yourself? Do, you seek to attract the right partner? Do you pursue a more prestigious career because you will obtain validation from your friends and family? These types of self-change are propelled by the wrong reasons. You want to attain something that is outside of your control. How can you be sure you will attract the 'right' partner if you change yourself? How do you know your family and friends will give you the validation you seek based on your career choices? You’ll be disappointed when you realize the response you were hoping for does not materialize. If you want to change yourself, it only makes sense to use an internal guideline of what you want to become. Changing yourself for another’s benefit is a recipe for emotional disaster.
The six factors listed above will greatly impact your chance of reaching your goal. The most important thing to understand is that these causes are internal to you and therefore, controllable.

You are in Charge!

Remember: you are accountable for your behaviour and results. No one or no thing, other than you, can stop you from being the person you truly want to be. To achieve any goal, you need to create a clear picture of what you want to attain. Be prepared to put in the required amount of effort for as long as it is necessary. Patience, persistence, self-acceptance, and determination are vital. If you are to achieve your goal and maintain the result, you need to keep working at it.

Now, before you start a new attempt at self-change, think about why your previous attempts at self-change were unsuccessful. If the problem came from the inside, how can you expect a solution from the outside to be effective? Would you use a band-aid on your car’s hood when the engine breaks down? Of course not! If the band-aid solution will not work for the car, it will most definitely not work for you.

Interested in more information on self-change for teens and young adults? Contact Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic and learn how to get your children to become a success!

Your teen is unmotivated? How to turn your teen into a success story

2010-12-13T06:34:00.000-08:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

There are a number of elements necessary for teens (and adults) to succeed in life. To help your teen write his/her own success story, work with your child on the following:

1. Attitude: How would you rate your teen’s attitude? A positive attitude is both healthy and productive. With a positive attitude, your teen will take even the negative circumstances and turn them into positive ones. A healthy attitude can be gained by teaching your teen that not all setbacks are a nuisance. Teach your teen see the bright side of life.

2. Responsibility: Is your teen taking responsibility for his/her actions? Once s/he takes responsibility for his/her actions (the good and the bad) he/she can start connecting the dots of how certain behaviours produce certain results. Responsibility will teach your teen that s/he has complete control over his/her life. What are your teen’s responsibilities at home?

3. Inspiration: Is you teen inspired? Does your teen have enough inspiration around him/her? Inspiration comes from the situations we experience, the people we meet, the mistakes we make, etc. [Note, that TV is not a good source of inspiration]. Without inspiration your teen will feel bored and unproductive, and will experience lowered self-esteem level. Keep your teen active and involved in community events. Remember, everyone needs inspiration.

4. Goals: Can you list three of your teen’s goals? [Be sure these are your teen’s goals and not your goals for your teen]. If not, your teen probably can’t list them either. Goals give your teen something to look forward to and work towards. They motivate your teen to stay on the right track and they will improve your teen’s self-worth. Start talking to your teen about what s/he would like to achieve short-term (from now to 1 year from now) and long-term (1 to 5 years from now). Help him/her to plan how to achieve them.

5. Commitment: What is your teen’s level of commitment? Commitment is the only way to success. Once your teen decides to do something s/he has to stick to it. Commitment is best taught in the family. How are you demonstrating commitment to your teen with your own goals and personal relationships?

Interested in more information? Contact Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic and speak to her about your teen.

Disconnect your kids from electronics - How to reconnect with your kids through communication

2010-12-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

With December celebrations fast approaching, many families are starting to make arrangements to travel to their planned destinations. While some will be traveling by car, others by plane, and still others by some other form of transportation, the question many parents are entertaining is how to keep the children busy during travel time to reduce tension, disputes, and irritating behaviour.

There really are many options for parents to keep their kids, older and younger, busy while traveling. Many family cars such as vans offer children the option of bringing their laptops, iPods, and portable DVD players with their favourite DVD collections. There is also the option of bringing portable video games and other electronic or battery operated gadgets. All these gimmicks, including cell phones are bound to keep kids busy and quiet throughout the journey.

Unfortunately, these often unsociable activities leave kids with little reason to speak to siblings and even to parents. While kids are more and more connecting to electronics, it appears they are increasingly disconnecting with the family. Disconnecting children from electronics will allow families to reunite, leading to voluntary participation in family conversations, strengthened trust, and an understanding what your kids and teens are all about.

Due to a busy lifestyle today, parents find it difficult to keep up with their work and maintain a strong relationship with their children and spouse. It is easier to let the kids do their own thing as parents tidy the house, work from the home office, or catch up on whatever is left undone.

As a result, it is vital that parents take advantage of family activities such as car rides to build their relationship with their children. Depending on the length of the journey, parents may choose to have family activities as well as individual ones prepared. If the car ride is short, it ought to be used for family time. If it is longer, parents can allow children some individual time too.

Before the portable electronics existed, many parents entertained their children through discussions and reminiscing, interactive games, and even singing. Although these trips would at times get out of hand with the kids loud and excited, these were the times parents used to nourish the bond with their children and to build a trusting relationship.

As you plan your journey to your planned destination, I encourage you to consider more interactive activities and less solitary ones. Even if you are taking short trips to the store, you can still use that time to connect to your child. Planning family activities during trips will take a little extra of your time; however, they will be worth the work when you see how these activities bring your family together during this special time of the year.

Interested in more information about the benefits of teen coaching? Visit www.lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic can help motivate your teens to achieve their goals.

Teens are a very special part of our society. They are our tomorrow! Today, it is up to us to inspire them to be all that they can be!

How can I guide my teen to make the ‘right’ kind of friends?

2010-12-06T08:17:00.000-08:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Do you find your teen has a hard time finding new friends? More importantly, do you think your teen has settled in with the first friends that came along despite the friends’ questionable quality?

Making new friends can be quite nerve-racking for a teen, especially if s/he has low self-esteem and confidence levels. Finding friends with similar values can be even more challenging.

Teens are in the process of figuring out who they are. Fear of judgement is at its highest and confusion about how the world works is a factor too. This is the time for you, the parent, to step in and instil your values on your kids. The question is how do you encourage your teen to find friends who will positively influence him or her?

Parents play an important role in their children’s lives. High expectations for your children are not enough. You need to teach and steer your kids on HOW to pick the ‘right friends.’
Before you read on, think for a minute: If you went to your teen’s room to speak to him or her about making the ‘right’ kind of friends how would you go about this conversation?

Take a moment and think about it...

When guiding you teen, it is not enough to say this is how it is and that’s it. It is not enough to expect him or her to follow adult reasoning because s/he will not (adult reasoning is not always clear to adults either). Instead, sit down with your child and guide him or her through the process of finding the ‘right’ friends.

Tips to help your teen make the ‘right’ friends:

1. Sign your teen up for 1 or 2 extracurricular activities. It can be a sports team, an art class, or dance class. Pick something s/he would enjoy or ask your teen to pick the class s/he would like to participate in. This way you give your teen power to choose what s/he wants to do. The point is your teen cannot make friends if s/he has no place to meet new people.

2. Guide him or her on how to select friends. For example: Teach your teen to carefully choose his or her friends. Direct your teen to ask him or herself what s/he is looking for in NEW friends? Get your teen to write down 5 qualities or characteristics s/he would like the new friends to have.

3. Once your teen has a list prepared, ask him or her how the current friends measure up to these qualities. Ask about each friend, one at a time.

4. Let your teen know this doesn’t mean s/he can’t talk to other people who don’t have these qualities and characteristics. Encourage your teen to be friendly with everyone, BUT his or her closest friends should have most of the qualities they listed above.

5. Encourage your teen to make friends with people who have similar values to him or her (values are those things that are really important to us— e.g., family togetherness, going to university, education, staying healthy by not smoking, drinking and doing drugs, respecting others by not gossiping, etc.

6. If your teen is hoping to form a friendship with someone, ask him or her why s/he wishes to be friends with this particular person or this group of people? Ask him or her if these reasons are compatible to his or her answers to questions 2 and 5.

7. Demonstrate to your teen that friends can and probably will influence his or her behaviour. For example, ask him or her to think about something s/he does with newer set of friends that s/he never did with previous friends (or one group of friends compared to another group). Ask him or her to think of 2 good examples and 2 negative examples.

8. Encourage your teen to think about how s/he wants his or her friends to influence him or her? Ask him or her to think of 5 ways s/he would like to be influenced? Ask him or her how she would not like to be influenced.

Interested in more information? Contact Life Coach Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic and speak to her about your teen.